Citizens. Comrades. Um… people. I want to be your mayor. Though many of you may never have heard of me, I assure you that I have the qualifications, the passion, and the ideas to do a fine job of running this fair city. Or any city, really. I’m kind of up for anything. If you’re […]

I’m not a morning person. I’ve never been a morning person, and I’ll never be a morning person. I don’t want to be a morning person. Frankly, I find morning people to be intolerable. Traipsing around with big smiles and cheery chit-chat for hours before I’m capable of even mildly acceptable levels of human interaction […]

Alright. Let’s get one thing straight right off the hop. I fucking love to cuddle. Yeah. You read that right. I love to fucking cuddle so much most people can’t even fucking believe it. There’s this stereotype that goes around, about men, about how they don’t like to cuddle. How they just want to bone and […]

Let it never be said that Johnny Scott does not know heartache. I began my painful life of pining for the gentler sex when I was still in diapers. And through the years the longing in my heart, like the diapers on my bottom, has only grown deeper and wider. I’ve had many loves in […]

Look, I’ve had a lot of sex in my life. More than you have. With several women. I know it’s not a contest, but there are a lot of guys out there who feel deep down that they should be doing better in that department. Now, I don’t normally like to brag about my sexual conquests, […]

There’s something magical about Halloween. It’s a holiday that’s fast been emerging as many people’s favourite. One at which we eat even more treats than at Easter, party later than New Year’s Eve and drink almost as much liquor as it takes to get through Christmas with our families. But what is it that makes […]

Autumn brings with it beautiful crisp weather and a magnificent change in the colour of the landscape, making it ideal for long walks in the park, or even just down particularly leafy streets. It also brings with it the seasonal migration of many kinds of birds and the trees and skies are teeming with all […]

Few things have humankind dedicated more time and resources toward than the search for an effective hangover cure. It’s a testament to the complexity of the problem that after this long in the timeline of human development we still have not landed on something that really works. We’ve proven ourselves to be more than capable […]

If there’s one thing people say about me, it’s probably “he’s a real dirtbag.” If there’s two things, it’d probably be that and something about owing them some money for drugs, or some drugs for money. And if there are three things people said about me, it would be those two and that I’m a […]

It’s better to give than to receive, they always say. I’m not sure who “they” are that always say this, I think they might be Santa Claus. Or maybe the court system. The courts make me do community service all the time. Whoever “they” are, I have to admit, I never really understood that saying until recently. I […]

Dear sir, I am writing this letter as a former customer of your establishment. I regret to inform you that you will no longer be receiving my patronage or the patronage of anyone with any sense whatsoever who reads this letter, which I am also sending to all local newspapers and several national newspapers. I am […]

Have you ever been fired from a job? It’s not a pleasant experience, let me tell you. Though it does get easier the more times it happens. Myself, I’ve been fired from more jobs than I can count. Actually several of them I was fired from because I can’t count. But one thing I can always […]

It’s that time of the week again, article time. Time for an article. Yup, time to write an article. Okay, here we go. Right now, let’s get the ball rolling. Ehh, you know what, I probably have time to masturbate first. Okay. You ever get that feeling when there’s something you have to do that […]

It was just after ten in the morning and I sat at my desk, typing up the expense account from my latest case. It was raining outside, the kind of rain that makes a man think about all the mistakes he’s made in his life. I should’ve had the salad for lunch yesterday instead of […]