When thinking outside the box just isn't enough
Alcohol is a weird thing. We like it because it loosens us up, tempers our inhibitions and makes it easier for us to deal with social situations that might be a little too overwhelming otherwise. We like that it makes us more fun. Or, at least, makes us think we’re more fun. Alcohol affects people […]
Hey, buddy. How you doing? Look, I think we need to have a little talk. I know you’ve been feeling pretty down the last few days, and that’s perfectly understandable. You lost someone really close to you, and grieving is very natural. But it’s not all bad. I want to tell you about a special […]
So, you don’t have central air to pump through your home or a pool to jump into, but you want to stay cool this summer. When it gets hot, it gets too hot to think and you’ll need to do a lot of thinking. About things like how you screwed your life up so bad […]
It’s summertime and summertime means a lot of things. Patios, splash pads, breaking into the zoo while high on mushrooms, watermelon. And one of my favourite activities of all: camping. Camping is the quintessential summer endeavour. Being outdoors, connecting with nature. Basking in whatever climate Mother Gaia decides to bend the environment into to suit […]
Yeah, maybe I’ll DJ your event. What does it pay? What’s the bar tab like? How about the MDMA tab? Where is it, a club? I usually only do unannounced warehouse gigs. That’ll be an extra seven hundred. You have to take care of decorating, too. I don’t do “decorations.” Where is this club? It […]
Breakups are tough. Whether you’re the breaker or the breakee, each comes with its own different set of hurdles to jump, and none of them are easy. But often they are necessary. To quote the glimmering Nordic poet-goddesses of ABBA, “Breaking up is never easy, I know, but I have to go.” The Swedes have […]
Do you want to know which three letters of the alphabet are the most dangerous? I’ll tell you; VLT. Hi, my name is Johnny and I’m addicted to gambling. My story starts out like most others. I lived a fairly clean life for most of my days. Sure, I liked a glass of red wine […]
When I was about 12 years old I was climbing a particularly tall tree in my neighbourhood and, after reaching a never before achieved height and looking down proudly at all which lay below me, a branch buckled and I fell from the tree. As my panicked brain tried to process what had happened, branches […]
Drugs, man. They’re everywhere. Our society medicates itself with the passion and vehemence of Wilford Brimley betting on a cockfight. Or at least it would if it wasn’t so doped up on a cocktail of mellowing pills that passion is just a distant memory of an unwanted side-effect. We have sometimes seemingly arbitrary divisions in place […]
A lot of guys have a problem with menstruation. Which is silly, because it’s a naturally occurring function of the female body. Besides, it’s just a little bit of blood. And they’re not scared of a little bit of blood when they’re practically slitting each others’ throats the other twenty-six days of the month to […]
Around this time of the year a lot of people ask me for some fun pranks they can play on their family and friends for April Fool’s Day. They assume that I’m a funny guy who likes funny things, and that April Fool’s Day must be a favourite day of mine. In reality, though, the […]
I’m going to Hell. At this point there’s no two ways about it, no changing my blasphemous ways, no making up for past transgressions, no last minute deathbed recantations. I’m a sinner, and that’s that. I’ve done some pretty heinous and sacrilegious things in my life, and I’ll be punished for them in the afterlife. […]
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Writing articles for free on the internet doesn’t pay very much. And I’ve got expenses. I’ve got rent and groceries to consider, a cat to feed, a Thai “girlfriend” who doesn’t come cheap. So I’ve got to make my money somehow. I can’t get what you would […]
Who’s bright idea was this Daylight Savings Time thing anyway? What, we just lose a whole hour? It just disappears? Who has the authority, and the gall, to make this happen? The government? Dark wizards? Monsanto? So many unanswerable questions. Well, anyway, you’re no doubt, like me, reeling from the sudden vanishing of this sixty minutes […]
It’s a big night for the movies tonight. Oscar night. Hollywood’s glitziest night of schadenfreude back-pats and hollow masturbatory gestures. There were some great films released in the last year. After being pitted against each other in the trenches of the Dolby Theater to fight it out over naked, golden statuettes that can mean the […]
I found a locked briefcase. It was just sitting there in the parking lot of a closed-down Arby’s. There was no one around, but I didn’t take it right away. I didn’t even approach it at first. It could have been a trap. What kind of trap, I don’t know, but whoever was devious enough […]
