I like my menâ€¦umâ€¦straight. Not some brutish parody, all git your ass ovah heah, hand raised in a threatening pose, hair poking out the back of his undershirt. But the role of the girl will be played by me, and when I am done the show will close. Honestly, don’t ask me what I am thinking, don’t bump me out of the mirror and, for god’s sake, don’t grab my hand and start skipping. I say this and yet the last few guys I’ve gone out with were men who, at one point or another, I thought might have been gay (one of them I still do, playing Chat-Bite with all his male friends all the time was the clincher).
R. was a banker, a college sports star and a Betty Buckley fan. I believe that’s one of the gay commandments thou shalt listen the to show tunes. Upon further inspection I found Mandy Patinkin (are you kidding me?) and Hootie & the Blowfish (more a character flaw than a chink in his hetero-armour). Once in a while I would fake a bathroom emergency so I could run in without knocking and possibly catch him singing “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair”. But I never did. I asked him to explain the appeal of Broadway as interpreted by the Eight is Enough stepmom and The Princess Bride‘s Indigo Montoya for a man who couldn’t carry a tune with the help of a man-servant; he just shrugged his shoulders and giggled like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
J. was from France. The French possess many cultural habits that would keep the average American from picking up the proverbial dropped soap but it was the rhinestone logo’d t-shirt tighter than mine that evidenced (I thought) an accurate snap judgement. Also, he ran around grabbing his male friends’ packages. Chat-Bite is a game generally played in school yards, at 27 to touch the penis of any guy friend present, whether you are with your girlfriend or not, calls your motivation into question. He was young, sweet and (I thought) gay and I felt this need to coddle him. I couldn’t have been more surprised when he made a move so I chalked the Bedazzled shirt up to couture culture differences and dated him for several months during which I barely escaped drowning in a deluge of stereotypical behaviour. I couldn’t fix my own hair in the morning because once he was done primping he had to vogue to make sure he looked good at all angles. When I commented on his ass (which was niiiiice) he called it his “poo-poo” switching it from side to side like a seven year-old girl. And when trying to dance/seduce me while he was dj-ing he’d stick his [niiiiice] ass out and wiggle it like he was waiting for me to stick a dollar in his g-string.
I’ve dated other men with frou-frou tendencies- the guy who ate his buffalo wings with a fork and knife, who started to cry because they were too spicy. The one who wore women’s perfume because it smelled “prettier” than men’s. The one who used Vaseline on his lips because he liked them shiny and the one who wore women’s jeans because they made his “butt look better”.
I have to wonder what it is about me that attracts this type of man, or maybe, since I’m often the asker and not the asked, why I am attracted to this kind of man. Perhaps it’s that this is often the man who treats me with sensitivity. It could be that this is also the type of guy who lets me take care of him. Neither of which am I willing to sacrifice to have a so-called “macho man”.
* Ed.’s note: For an editorial response to criticism of this post, please see the comments section below under Jason C. McLean
Maybe you attract those types of men cause you’re the one wearing the jock strap. Glad I’m not a guy to your dame. Just sayin. Let the boys go all girlie. It’s good for the rest of us.
What an archaic point of view you have Ms. Fox. As if bad taste in music, a persons nationality, lack of fashion sense, attention to personal appearance and the inability to eat spicy food defines their sexuality?! Furthermore which may come to a shock to you as the only gay men you seem to only are fresh off the set of ‘Will & Grace’ or ‘Queer as Folk’ but there are many gay men who are more ‘macho’ than straight men. It sounds like you’re just dating losers if you ask me, not homos.
A person’s gender expression doesn’t define their sexual orientation. This column is highly ignorant and quite offensive. The author is basically openly proclaiming their disgust of a non-binary gender expression. Why is this even published?
I love spicy food (the spicier the better). I hate showtunes (alot). I had to google Betty Buckley to know who she was. And I don’t like to have dollar bills shoved my ass (unless it’s hundred dollar bills, then we can discuss). And I’m a gay. A very spicy gay. And I’m not 100% sure of what you’re trying to say with this article, but it’s leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
hmmm. After reading this and then the comments I can’t help but wonder if maybe some of us are taking this a little too seriously. Wouldn’t it be the same as my girlfriend writing a post about all the different girls she’s dated who she was sure could be straight? Why is that when it comes to male sexuality it’s always taken the wrong way, like it’s offensive? Pretty sure this post has nothing to do with homosexuality at all, just bad boyfriends.
Would everyone have the same reaction if it was a female writing this about her masculine girlfriends? Or a straight man writing about his masculine girlfriends? Or is it just because everyone loves to stir up the drama of the old “gay” stereotype, instead of reading it as a humourous piece.
I see how it can be offensive, but what would happen if the tables where turned.
think about it.
Well for something to be humorous it has to be funny or witty which this article is not. This article IS offensive. I don’t think pointing out that someone is playing off tired old gay stereotypes (ineffectively at that) constitutes stirring up drama…
Dudes. This is wack. How could you even approve this? This level of quality brings the whole website way down. Booo.
First and foremost, this article is not about gay-bashing, and quite frankly, turning it into such a cause will do more harm than good. Second, I am crushed that anyone would think that anything that would perpetuate hate would issue from me. Readers do not know me personally and do not know things about me such as:
1) I am extremely sensitive to the effect of my words and actions, would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone, and do not believe in personal attacks.
2) Because gay and lesbian couples and parents were such a normal part of my childhood, I did not know that homophobia existed until I was 18.
3) My brother AND my dad are both gay. As someone who has experienced homophobia in my immediate and extended family, I would never have done anything to encourage it.
Though my articles are autobiographical, they employ a certain amount of snarky embellishment. They are comedic views on my life but they do have a moral at the end. I learn something from each instance that gives birth to these pieces. And I think some of you have missed this point.
For example, in Driver’s Ed, I learned that even though I was raised in a geocentric metropolis, I needed to expand my horizons to appreciate both the knowledge I’d gain and the offerings of other states. But that didn’t stop me from mocking people from New Jersey. In Throw your nose in the airâ€¦ I mock people who like Top 40, fans of Jackson Pollock and I state that Conservatives like to lick their own balls. Yet, I acknowledge the irony of slinging mud at people when I am, myself, covered in mud.
Understand that the point of this article was to have a giggle at my experiences and taking the journey with me to the awareness that what I liked about these guys who, by contrast to macho, douchey, “manly men”, were softer, even “girlier” was that they were sensitive enough to treat me with care, and to let me do the same for them.
I unconsciously took for granted that people have read my other articles and get my sense of humour. In the end, caring and being cared for was the point. I’m sorry if that somehow got lost along the way.
I’m Foxy’s mom and am appalled at the comments made to her very tongue-in-cheek column.
While the content of her usually self-deprecating columns are sometime hard for me to read, I would bet my life on the fact that they are humorous, not hateful. She doesn’t do hateful, if you know what I mean. Her columns are a satiric reflection of her life with, hopefully (rememberâ€¦I’m her mother), some poetic license added for humor and/or spice!
I and the vast majority of her readers love her humor and look forward to her columns each week. People should not judge from one column. If you check back, you’ll see that Foxy comments on music, children, old people, etcâ€¦all with wit and affection. That’s my daughter!
Have any of you high-horsed opinionists read Tania’s other articles? There is a similar tone and sentiment to all of them, that being intelligent, humorous, and “snarky” (her word, not mine. I’m one of those aforementioned “macho men”). What would make you think that she has suddenly changed her perspective to an all-encompassing “all-gay-boys-don’t-like-hot-wings-while-wearing-a-bedazzled-tshirts”-type vibe? She’s one of the smartest people I know, and anything but a homophobe or narrow-minded individual. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, but before being so quick to jump and give her the ol’ Joan-of-Arc treatment, perhaps look at your own reasons for taking offense. Or just leave nasty comments. She’s a big girl, she can take ’em.
I read it and thought to myself- “haha, that was a funny article Foxy!” Then I got to the comments and thought “hmm, well I guess people could take it this way but clearly they don’t know her and her sense of humour/writing style”. Then I got to your comment and thought “Well, I hope those other commenters read this and gain some perspective.”
Then, I read your mom’s comment and thought “HeeHee, Foxy’s mom defended her on the internet… My mom could never do that, she would probably just lecture at the monitor and tell the other kids to play nice or else she’d call their moms!”
Wow. Way to take it personally. People are denouncing your article’s ignorance towards gender expression/gay stereotypes and your response makes it all about yourself. You are sharing your PERSONAL experiences with your own gays as if that justifies any ignorant/offensive behavior on your part.
“2) Because gay and lesbian couples and parents were such a normal part of my childhood, I did not know that homophobia existed until I was 18.
3) My brother AND my dad are both gay. As someone who has experienced homophobia in my immediate and extended family, I would never have done anything to encourage it. ”
seriously? you have gay and lesbian people in your entourage and you were not aware of ANY homophobia before you turned 18?
When LGBTQ people call you offensive (and more than one person), the thing to do is not ask your FB friends and family to defend you here and share your personal life story/”i am not homophobe because”. The thing to do is to educate yourself on gender expressions/why is this offensive to teh gays. That is, if you genuinely care about the LGBTQ community and their cause. If you don’t, I guess you can just keep defending this offensive nonsense and take it all personally.
So basically you have to know Tania personally, be related to her, or have read her other articles in order to know that this article was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek? That’s a sure sign of strong writing skills if I’ve ever heard of them. An article should be able to stand on it’s own. Also I don’t think that the comments made were by any means nasty or high-horsed opinionated; they were valid criticisms to an article that more than a few people did not appreciate. Sure, you are most likely a well intentioned person and you most likely didn’t mean to offend people with your article but the simple fact of the matter is you did. As a journalist you need to be able to take the criticisms with as much stride as the compliments. If you can’t handle that and want to write articles that only your friends and family will read maybe you should stick to leaving notes on your Facebook.
Sorry, but I definitely do not see the humour in the article.
The sad thing is, the author is not in the minority. Her ignorance is far too prevalent in our society.
BTW, stating that you have gay family members does not mean you aren’t homophobic. This article is pretty much filled with nothing but ridiculous homophobic stereotypes.
I don’t know you in real life, so no I don’t know your personality. I don’t really care to be honest. Maybe you are a barrel of laughs and a nice person to be around, but none of that matters when you are a journalist. I shouldn’t have to read someone’s autobiography and do a background check in order to enjoy or ‘get’ what they are writing about.
I just wanna say, when I read this article, I felt quite offended and didn’t find it funny at all. I’m a queer, mostly straight, biological male who doesn’t identify with either gender. My current partner is 100% accepting of my gender, but all my past female partners have rejected me in one way or another due to my gender. I was judged too feminine and, in at least one case, it was the principal motive for breaking up with me after a few years of relationship. My gender was als used to hurt me by some of my exs.
As a gay friend once told me: Homophobic people who tell homophobic jokes are better than the ones who stay silent, because it at least goes in the open.
As for me, I don’t really find anything funny in this column and feel mostly hurt by the queer-phobic and sexist stereotypes that are painted there. I know that the author didn’t intended it that way, but I would like her to please consider how and why it could be offending to people like me.
And this site is called “Forget The Box”? Funny because this writing seems pretty heteronormative and IN the box too me! Your mom mentioned that you write about music, children and old people with wit and affection and I suggest that you continue to explore such subject matter until you educate yourself about gender and sexuality.
This real man got the “tongue-n-cheek” of it. Didn’t, however, enjoy the “pickle-up-the-butt” drama queen comments. Fox rox!
I am neither a homophobe nor ignorant. The piece is not homophobic. Admittedly, it does present some gross generalizations, and that is the point of parody, but I’m sorry that you have chosen to see it as hateful. I stand by the fact that if I were a man writing about my experiences with guys that were “femme” or a lesbian writing about “lipstick lesbians” (terms that the LGBTQ community has used to classify/alienate its OWN members not unlike the black community and its light-skinned/dark-skinned delineation, the Jewish community and its separation of the Orthodox/Reformed) there would be ZERO issue here.
Not ONE of you can claim that you have never made a joke about gays, straights, other races, religions or nationalities, vegans, people with ugly feet, or someone who preferred the Snorks over the Smurfs that could have been considered injurious. Not everyone who says something that you find offensive is a homophobe, racist, sexist, ageist, xenophobe, or heathen. Sometimes it is simply that: offensive, even distasteful, but not hateful.
Nor am I ignorant to the fact that the LGBT suffers one of the last of the so-called “acceptable” social prejudices and it is completely necessary for people to take a stand against it. However, be wise in your decision as to which is a battle and which is an issue otherwise you just look like you’re taking aim at everything and lessen the importance target. I commend the strength of your conviction though it is misguided here and inflammatory.
You do not need to know me personally to appreciate my writing. You don’t even have to appreciate my writing. These are not “articles” meant to be informative, they are columns meant to be glimpses into my goofy life so you can laugh at it and hopefully forget about what is troubling yours.
If you do not enjoy my style of writing, that is unfortunate, but you can choose to read something else. Or you can choose to continue to attack me personally and start a riot but you will have to create your own forum to do so.
Wow. The negative responses to this are HILARIOUS. So many panties in a bunch! You know what I “hate” and am personally “offended” by? Uppity assholes. RELAX. I sleep with girls sometimes. My husband sleeps with boys sometimes. Sometimes we let my butch ex-girlfriend drunkenly come over and do whatever for the sake of “science”. If you ask me, Foxy’s quirky on-goings and observations of her own life, are purely that. Not political statements. Just general musings about her own life/love/situations. What kind of people get offended by random people’s blogs?! I know who. Uppity assholes who have to make EVERYTHING about THEM. People are going to talk day and night about things that are going to hurt your stupid feelings. Work it out, stop crying/moaning and write your own blog with lists of things that bother and offend you.
I’m not saying YOU ARE homophobic, I’m saying what you have written is offensive and heterosexist. Your ego is seriously getting in the way of what myself and others are trying to say. I am appalled at the people voting down even the comment made by a feminine man who felt directly insulted by the judgmental tone of the article, which I think was the result of you (the author) asking for your friends’ blind support. But then again, those people might be ignorant as well on why expressions such as “real man” are not well tolerated within the trans/queer community. Did you even read that person’s comment?
Yes, everyone does mess up once in a while and blurts out ignorant remarks – and when it’s done by a member of the community some call it “internalized homo/transphobia” (i recommend you read up on that before shoving intersectionality down everyone’s throat) – but everyone can also acknowledge their mistake and apologize and move on. That’s what a true ally would do.
Is everyone done being babies? Like, seriously. Why should Foxy have to APOLOGIZE because some random internet person took something all personal…or on behalf of an entire community…or at least a part of the community who agrees and is butthurt as well? Speak for YOURSELF, not on behalf of an entire population of people. You know, like how this blog is talking about ONE PERSON’S life, not on behalf of ALL WOMEN WHO DATE MEN. It’s ridiculous. I’m an openly bi-sexual woman (I have my pink taco mafia badge and everything…totally legit) married to a bi-sexual man. Please do not speak on our behalf on what YOU think is “offensive”. Frankly, it egotistical and annoying.
This argument is ridiculous.
I have been polite and respectful up to now but enough is enough!
You have the right to be offended, you have the right to boycott my column. I can even understand why you might have, at first glance, jumped to conclusions. But to continue barking at myself or any of the commentators here is such a waste of your passion, intelligence and power when there are people out there who are truly hateful, ignorant and dangerous. Harass some of them why don’t you.
Implying that people who don’t agree with your position are simply my minions and without minds of their own is a great way to elevate your position and fan the flames.
You want to spit vitriol into the wind? Fine. But don’t be surprised by the splash back.
As for the term “real man”, latch onto whatever you need to to support your argument but I said “so-called â€˜macho man'” NOTHING about “real men”. If you’re going to be angry, at least be angry about something I actually said.
One time, I took pictures of a UFC fighter who wears glitter t-shirts, so on behalf of the entire Italian/WhiteTrash/Jock/Douchebag/UFCfan/OldSchoolTattoo community, I am OFFENDED that you even brought up glitter t-shirts.
Ehn….hello people……………excuse me BUT, why isn’t anyone even talking about how hooooot David Hasselhoff’s picture is!? WOW!!! 🙂
Patricia, as a person who is familiar with men, I am OFFENDED that you are commenting on the Hoff as if he were an object. A sexual object for YOUR pleasure. I will have you know that the Hoff is A MAN WITH FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, ADDICTIONS, EXPERIENCES AND VALUES. Even though the Hoff is in a bikini brief, the Hoff would like to have his intelligence taken seriously. This is another disgusting case of hofferosexism.
Danielle, I’m sorry but, it is NOT a bikini brief it is a SPEEDO!!! And man…is it HOOOOT! 🙂
Danielle, I would like to apologise for my minion. She just ate a burger off the floor and knows not of what she speaks.
As someone who has once seen Speedos in a store and has watched the father of my child eat a hamburger off the floor on more then one occasion, I am offended that you ASSUMED that was in fact a Speedo, when there is no identifying marks stating that it is. This photo is clearly of an INTELLIGENT man wearing a cotton bikini brief. Clearly you are a sufferer of negligephobia.
Also, I would like to passive-aggressively “thumbs down” any humor I deem inappropriate, stupid or offensive. The world is a very serious place, and I am here solely to make sure no one cries, everyone gets multitudes of hugs and the evil-doers get chastised with isms.
As a pillar and the 1st runner up of Canada’s Next Top Bottom at Thors Night Shack in Calgary. I think i know a thing or two about Offending. Where do start? 1st off Foxy? that name is offensive to animals and fox’s alike. 2nd Don’t hassle the Hoff, he is a good man, who looks great in what ever you want to call that black banana hammock lastly i think it was Hitler that said, ‘kill them all and let God sort them out” I don’t see how someone could talk the time and effort into saying “your option on the internet is wrong and offensive” Have you see some of the shit on the internet? i mean its the fucking internet!! I once saw a man make love to a hand puppet covered in jelly while to midgets (shit little persons) WWF’d it in the background in some of Bill Cosbey good ‘ol fashion pudding.
So if you want to channel your energy in telling someone that they are not allowed to say what the want to say on the internet because it may offend THE WORLD then go ahead. But let the 1st one with out sin cast the 1st stone << THE MOST OFFENSIVE BOOK SOLD
Danielle and Tania….grow up! You are seriously not helping your cause by acting like a bunch of bratty teenage girls. I have never seen an author of an article react so immaturely to reader comments before. It’s pretty unbelievable and frankly quite pathetic. Don’t quit your day job girl.
I have heard and considered all of the comments made here. The fact of the matter is that it is my right to express myself and I did so with the absolute best of intentions. I have also defeatedly accepted that some people have chosen to interpret this in the worst possible way . But others (yes, including my mom, friends and people I have never met) have not.
If you choose continue to be offended by the content of this piece that is your absolute right; but to then be offended that other people have NOT chosen to be offended and rather to have a bit of fun (which is what people usually do here), is just downright extreme.
Again, I have been polite and respectful in responding to comments made by yourself and others, Max. If you’d like to do the same and comment further without mudslinging, name calling or bullying, you know where to find me.
Satire is a strange creature. It’s not always the easiest thing to identify, especially in written form and even more so when surrounded by other content that is in fact meant to be taken seriously.
I’ve performed satire on stage, in web video and even in written form. I was once part of a troupe that revelled in bringing out and playing on stereotypes of all sorts (racial, religious, gender and sexual orientation-based) so that our audience could mock them through mocking us. I also once played a fake CSIS agent (jacket, sunglasses and all) in a real anti-war march and was part of a group that said, in character, to the media and anyone who would listen that we had acquired mining rights to Mount Royal and were planning to dig, with the intent of bringing to light unethical and destructive Canadian mining practises worldwide.
In 2004, I took part in a Billionaires for Bush march in New York City shouting slogans like “Blood For Oil!” and “Four More Wars” as part of the protest against the Republican Convention in New York City. A funny thing happened when we were chanting “Cheney is Innocent!” while walking down a city street en route to re-join the march. A man leaning out of his window shouted back “No, he’s not!” and proceeded to argue with our characters for five minutes. Eventually, someone passed him a flier and quietly explained that it was satire and that ended that, he laughed and we were on our way.
Just as sure as no one in our group actually thought for a minute that Cheney was in fact innocent of anything, I’m pretty sure that Tania Fox doesn’t really think “thou shalt listen the to show tunes” is actually a “gay commandment.” And just as I would not begrudge myself the right of participating in such satire, we cannot begrudge Foxy the right to publish her satire on our site or anywhere else.
That said, while there may always be room for satire, there’s also always room to criticize it for its effectiveness. If the satire doesn’t come across as such then it should be pointed out as some have been doing in the comments.
I feel it is important to remember that while the term “frou-frou tendencies” for example is in and of itself a homophobic slur, when taken in the context of writing intended as satire, it remains only as homophobic as, say, a mock American Apparel ad featuring a scantily clad model designed to mock the company’s inherent sexism remains sexist.
That said, we do pride ourselves on being a progressive site and reinforcing hetero-centric narrative is not progressive by a longshot, so to anyone who may have taken those aspects of this post literally, we do apologize.
Jason C. McLean
Forget The Box Media Collective
Geeeeeez ! So much political correctness in the comments. Queer militants need a sense of humour. How is this homophobic ? C’mon ! Bunch of tight asses ! So what she’s living the dilemma of liking the “not-so-macho” types but still wanting a bit of “male stereotype”. It’s her problem what do you care ? For the majority of folks, girls are girls and boys are boys. For some others, girls can be boys and boys can be girls. Others like to live in the grey zone, that’s fine too. And others don’t want any label. Well good for them ! Can’t ask everyone to like what you like. Geez even queers have terms like “lipstick lez” to oppose to “butch”. Some gays only date gays who don’t “act/look” gay. Others like “divas”. Some like the Village. Others call it a ghetto. So what ? She’s just stating her taste, not holding it against anybody. Get a grip ! I’m more offended by the fact that I TOTALLY know who she’s talking about ! hahaha
Well put Jason. To add my own two cents, Foxy meant no harm, that’s clear.
Nevertheless, she used some terms that shouldn’t have been used. That too is clear.
Rather than continue to attack or defend, I think we all need to look at the positive that comes out of this. Foxy is relatively new to writing a column, as most of us are, and trades in satire and the pushing of envelopes that is at the heart of comedic expression.
All comics need to learn the hard way when they’ve crossed a line which shouldn’t be crossed so they can continue to cross the rest of them.
I’m sure Foxy has received what amounts to a crash course in hetero-normative discourse from those commentators who expressed their objections constructively. She’ll most certainly be conscious of these issues in the future, and I think that’s a good thing.
In the larger picture Foxy is a bright, talented writer who enriches this site by her presence. I’m proud to call her a colleague.
As anyone who knows us or reads often will understand, this site is proudly progressive in every fibre of its collective being.
I’m really glad that so many people got engaged and made their voices heard in this case. It’s through your engagement, positive and negative, that we grow and develop into not only an excellent site, but an excellent community.
Let’s just try to keep it polite and focused on the issues at hand in the future. Fair nuff?
Thank you Jason an Ethan for responding professionally to concerns that were addressed in a constructive manner by your readers. Foxy’s responses on the other hand were very off putting, threatening and made me not want to visit this site anymore…especially her sarcastic banter amongst her girlfriends. I think that she is the one who needs to learn how to keep it polite and focused if she expects the readers to do the same. I have been a fan of this site for a while but as Lina suggested earlier this type of writing/author response to readers comments does bring the quality of the site down.
Thank you Jason and Ethan for taking the time to write. Your response is fair and your apology is very appreciated. It has been my hope from the beginning of this argument that some good would come out of all of this, and I was a bit discouraged by some responses, but I am glad the editor in chief is taking our concerns more seriously. Keep up the good work.
It’s about her tastes in men. Not about politics. It’s about what she likes and she dislikes. I don’t see how you can label yourself as “progressive” when someone can’t write about their tastes without being called a homophobe by her readers. I’m a bit discouraged at the comments and even more so at the Editors who prefered to take the paternalistic stance of “huh well she’s young, she makes mistakes, please don’t start a boycott on us. we just hit #3 on the BOM.” Sad. And a bit coward. But whatever this ain’t the place for politics it’s just a blog about music films and fashion …tastes. So what she doesn’t like girly boys ? You like ’em ? Date ’em ! I’m still flabergasted at the violence and soft-censorship which was used against the author. I thought we lived in a more progressive society. Goes to show that queers can be as conservatives as any white heterosexual male…