How Did Dinosaurs Do It?

They were around long before the birds and the bees. They roamed the Earth before aphrodisiacs were discovered, before satin sheets became very romantic, and before the sweet, seductive allure of Barry White’s voice. They were even around before the panty remover. So, if they didn’t have the power of lemon gin on their side, how did male dinosaurs convince female dinosaurs to have sex with them?

To be perfectly honest, I had never really given the question much thought until last week. I was at my friend’s neighbors’ house picking up an ounce of spices. I know what you’re thinking- wow, they must be making a lot of spaghetti! We knocked on their door, rousing the two young men from their nap. After we made them change the channel from the curling that had bored them both into slumber just after nine on a Saturday night, we stumbled upon a program on the Discovery Channel about dinosaur sex. And lo, my fascination began…

In order to learn what we can about dinosaur sex, we must turn to their closest descendants on Earth today: reptiles and birds, two groups that share surprising similarities in their reproductive organs.

In reptiles and birds, both gender possess an all-purpose opening for shitting and fucking called the cloaca, while the males have a small penis-like appendage that, when the time is right, emerges from the cloaca to deliver the sperm. But while this may shed some insight on the anatomical considerations of dinosaur sex, what about the other important aspects of the ritual?

In truth, we can really never know exactly what dinosaur courtship and mating rituals were like. Hell, maybe they even had   their own “lemon gin”, say a certain lake’s chemical make-up that, when ingested, caused them to be as horny as cat in heat.

Given their size, many paleontologists suspect that dinosaurs may have retreated to the water to mate, like one of their living descendants, the crocodile. However, other scientists argue that if humongous animals like the elephant can mate on land, so could dinosaurs… even those as large as the Brontosaurus, Diplodocus or Mamenchisaurus, where the mating ritual might have begun with necking that rivals that of teenagers at the drive-in.

And while their isn’t much truth to the myth in humans that correlates height or foot size to penis size, paleontologist Phil Senter speculates that neck length may have played a role in sexual selection for female sauropods. He deduced that if the extension of the neck played a pivotal role in the mating ritual, females might have sought after the males with the longest necks, similar to giraffes.

And finally, with their limited flexibility and gargantuan size, dinosaurs probably didn’t have that many exciting sex positions to choose from. It appears that the most common was the male mounting the female from behind, a typical sight in the natural kingdom with species ranging from dogs to rhinos.

So maybe next time, instead of doggy style, you can ask your girlfriend if she wants to do it Titanosaur style. That’s got a nicer ring to it, don’t you think??

There are some really hilarious computer-animated sequences of dinosaurs mating in this clip, enjoy!

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