It’s 11:16 on Saturday night, and I’m at my computer, in the dark, with a glass of scotch. Before you start to feel bad for me, let me take a moment to explain that this statement isn’t as piteous as it appears on the surface.
You see, I don’t need to go out on the weekend. Thanks to social media advances I’ve evolved beyond going to bars and house parties. Who needs all that aggravation? Getting yourself done up, plucking those couple stray orifice hairs, planning where and when to meet whom, arranging rides. No thank you, ma’am! Nope, I’ve got my bottle of scotch, I’ve got my cigarettes, and, most importantly, I’ve got the twin titans of online social interaction, Facebook and Twitter.
Again, you may be thinking that this is all quite pathetic, wouldn’t I rather be at a party somewhere? That’s the thing. Being a celebrated man-about-town, I‘m aware of many events I could be attending. But, at most, I could attend maybe two of them for any significant amount of time, three, four tops if I wanted to whirlwind it. But, with my online method, I’m attending ALL of the parties. The ubiquity of social media in our lives and our smart phones has created an unprecedented party aggregator. My friends’ constant status updates, tweets, and photo posts ensure that my finger is on the pulse of everything going on tonight.
For example: Right now, I know that Sandy is having a real heck of a time with this drunk slut at the bar. Now, even without actually being there, I can offer Sandy some words of support and encouragement with a few comments on that status. “C’mon, Sandy, just slap the bitch!!” I don’t need to be spending upwards of $80 just being at the bar to help my girl out. Steve just tweeted this outrageous joke about Marty being passed out on the couch already. I @ replied a sweet comeback and it’s already been favorited like three times! I bet tomorrow when everyone is hung over and checking their notifications, they’ll see all the comments I posted on their photos and be like, “man, that guy’s the life of the party!” Oh, there’s also no lineup for the washroom at my party, and the only time I’ve ever gotten a black eye was that one time when I did a few too many Jag bombs and fell into my coffee table. This one time, I got 19 likes on a joke I made on an event page!
I bet you’re all sold on my new style of rockin’ the weekend, but many of you are probably wondering about one thing. If you don’t go out, how will you ever hook up? Come on. Anyone with even a cursory understanding of what the Internet is knows you can find anything on here. ANYTHING. I could buy a girl six $7 drinks at a bar and maybe get a quick parking lot hand job, or I could just log into one of the many video chat sites I frequent and the sky is the limit.
Is it easy maintaining this hard partying mega-lifestyle? Not always. Once my friend Jake unfriended me because of a comment I made on one of his girlfriend’s photos. But that doesn’t really matter, because I still see him in all the photos our mutual friends post. He’s in a lot of them. Bit of a show-off, if you ask me. But I maintain my popularity quite well, thank you. I mean, I have over TWO HUNDRED Facebook friends. I think the numbers speak for themselves. Oh, and you can’t beat the music. I’m the DJ all night. And, let’s face it, even the best pro DJ in town can’t throw down an all-Halen/Crüe mix like I can. Here, let me break down the track list for you — oh, hang on, it’ll have to wait ‘til another time, it looks like a pretty lady friend is having a hard time dealing with some creep. Time for me to work my magic.
For more of Johnny Scott’s adventures with life, follow @hottyjohnscotty.
*Photo courtesy of Johnny Scott himself.