Jingle all the Way 2: An FFR Christmas Carol

Twas a cold, chilly Tuesday at the video store,
Not very different from any day before.
And what should be set on the “New” shelf with care,
But a new acquisition that would make us all stare.

Jingle all the Way 2?” we cried, with terror and shock
“They made a sequel to that holiday schlock?”
And not just any, did the cover decree,
But one that was made by the WWE.

And who would star in this affront to good taste?
Who had decided they could be so shamed, so debased?
Why who else, indeed, would star in this story
But Larry the Cable Guy, in all his -erm- “glory”.

Jingle all the Way 2 posterAnd friends, I have seen it, I have taken the leap,
If for no other reason than I like my thrills cheap.
I would watch this movie, I said to my friends,
From its horrid beginning to its miserable end.

Perhaps it was just to prove that I could,
Perhaps it was just because somebody should.
Like the climbers of Everest, with courage to spare
I would conquer this demon because it was there.

So what can I say, having watched the whole thing?
What impressions and insights did this movie bring?
For those hoping for insults, zingers and more,
The worst I can say is that this movie’s a bore.

There are movies so bad that they fill me with glee,
Like Frankenstein Island or Ninja Part 3.
And while this one is bad, and make no mistake,
A list of “worst ever”, it’s unlikely to make.

It isn’t The Room or even Troll 2,
This isn’t even Electric Boogaloo
Larry cavorts, pratfalls and muggs,
Outwitting the evil stepfather’s thugs.

A classic of the terrible this never will be,
Just something for the cheapie bin at HMV.
Not even bad enough to be a cult hit,
Too boring and dull to even be shit.

So next when you see this bland little flick,
Pass it over for a more noteworthy pic.
Something actually good, or amusingly crap,
One that won’t induce a two-hour nap.

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