Everyone has fears. It’s natural. Some people have more fears than others, but everyone’s got them. I know I do, I can admit that. Gone are the days when men had to maintain the illusion that they aren’t afraid of anything, when fearlessness was a requisite for manliness. In today’s semi-enlightened world, admitting you are afraid of something is one facet of the well-rounded person, and I daresay showing your sensitive and vulnerable side could even be attractive to potential partners. With that in mind, I’d like to take a moment to discuss my biggest fears, which I assure you are all totally normal.
First off, I know it’s silly, but I’m terribly afraid of moths. It’s ridiculous, but I can’t help it. I’m unable to cope with a moth in the house, and can hardly even bring myself to get near enough to one to kill it. On one occasion I spent a wild-eyed 30 minutes dashing about my apartment, brandishing a golf club trying to kill one. I have forgone using the bathroom for hours to keep the door shut tight until a roommate could get home and kill them. I have considered just completely abandoning homes and belongings and starting a new life somewhere else because there was a really big moth in my living room. I know they’re harmless and there is nothing they can do to me, but they just freak me out. They’re like insect mice, with wings.
Phew! That wasn’t so bad. This is actually feels pretty good. Let’s do another one.
Sharks. Okay, this one’s not too difficult to figure out. Sharks are scary. Like, a big shark could eat you. That’s a pretty valid reason to be scared of something. But it’s not even that which makes me afraid of them. It’s that they’re big and they’re in the water. Something about that really bothers me. I think it’s that I’m at their mercy because I’m totally out of my element in the water. I guess I could modify this fear from sharks to just any big water dwelling creature. Whales, really big fish, giant squids, aqua-sasquatch. If I fell out of a boat and there was a huge humpback whale right there in the water with me, I would probably faint and void my bowels right then and there, which could give the whale pink eye, and that would just make it mad.
What else? Well, I’m afraid that people are constantly judging me, and I’m terrified of any sort of meaningful emotional intimacy. I’m afraid I’ll die alone. I guess probably one of my hugest fears would be a shark that wants to get to know me and form a lasting and substantial relationship with me. Though, at least I wouldn’t be alone when I died, because it would likely be the one killing me.
There are a few more. Like being run over really slowly by a steamroller, miniature cutlery, hospitals, finding out someone I care about is a Juggalo, déjà vu, urinating in a trough with other guys around, developing a sudden lactose intolerance, that something will eat me while I sleep, accidentally doing drugs, already furnished apartments, cauliflower, playing sports, sleeping in a bed that isn’t my own, answering the phone, large squirrels, women, a helicopter crashing on top of me, accidental plagiarism, that I’ll suddenly forget how to drive while I’m driving, that my cat will step on my keyboard and somehow send everyone I know my browser history, that I’ll come home one day and someone will be living in my apartment and all their stuff is there and they’ve been living there for the last five years, choosing from a menu, eating poisonous berries,
accidentally entering a marathon, and generally just leaving my apartment altogether.
Wow, this has been a cathartic process, being so open about all of my fears. I would urge that you all give it a try. Don’t be ashamed to be afraid of something. Own it. It can give you a tremendous feeling of satisfaction and power. Mind you, not enough power to actually go out and face your fears—that is something which should be avoided at all costs. There is a reason you fear these things: they will harm you. I feel like after addressing all of these fears I can go out and face the day with confidence and happiness! Which is kind of unfortunate, because I’m intensely afraid of allowing myself to be happy.
