Johnny Scott is Ordering Us Pizzas

Hey, guys, I’m ordering some pizzas. Guys. Hey! I’m ordering us some pizzas. How many people are here? Five? Six? Wait, who’s out smoking? Okay, what, nine? Well, are Ross and Shelly coming? So, what, like four pizzas should be good, right? Five? No, I think four is good. Okay, Wendy, we’ll get five.

Okay, what kind does everybody want? Pep and bacon? That’s a classic, we’ll get one of those. Yeah, Terry, I know you don’t eat meat, we’ll get a veggie one too. Oh, but Marcie doesn’t like onions, can we get something other than onions on it? We could do green pepper and mushroom? No mushrooms either? Well what then? Tomatoes? There’s already tomato sauce on a pizza. Okay, okay, green pepper and tomato.

What? Avocado? I don’t know if they even have avocado, I’ll have to ask. Well, if they don’t have avocado, are you fine with just green pepper and tomato? Kale? If they don’t have avocado I don’t think they’ll have kale either. How about spinach? Okay, green pepper, tomato, and avocado, and if they don’t have avocado, then spinach.

Sue wants a Greek. How about a Greek? Is anyone else interested in getting a Greek pizza? Okay, good, we’ll do a Greek too. Wait, what? No, of course we’re not going to get no olives on a Greek pizza. I don’t care if you don’t like olives, Mark. If you don’t like olives then don’t eat a Greek pizza. Because that’s what a Greek pizza is, Mark. It has olives and feta cheese on it. Well, pick the olives off then if you like feta so much, we’re not getting two pizzas with feta on them.

Well, fine, if that’s what everybody else wants, then we will. Okay, show of hands, who wants to get two pizzas with feta cheese on them? … Anyone? Last chance. No, okay, that’s it, no one else wants feta on another pizza, if you want feta you’ll just have to deal with the olives. Well, if the olives “taint the whole pizza with their olive taste,” then just have a slice of something else, Mark. Jesus, I’m sure this isn’t the last time you’re ever going to have a fucking pizza, take a look at yourself!

I’m sorry, Mark. Mark. Mark, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. No, I know you’re not fat. I got a little irritated and I said something I didn’t mean. Are we cool, Mark? Really? Yes, okay, we’ll get another one with feta. Feta and what, Mark? Feta and eggplant? No, yeah, that sounds really good. Doesn’t that sound really good everybody? See, everybody says it sounds good. Feta and eggplant, I can’t wait to try that one.

Okay, what about a Hawaiian? That’s my favourite. Is everyone alright with the last pizza being a Hawaiian? What? It’s ham and pineapple, how do you not know that? No, it’s not “gross,” it’s really good. Well have you ever tried it? Then you don’t know, Gord. Is anyone else interested in a ham and pineapple? No one? Really? Oh, Ted, you’d be down? One slice? No, no, it’s all good, it’s fine. I’m not going to order it if I’m going to be the only one eating it. It’s okay, really. I’ll share the eggplant one with Mark.

I’m going to call the order in now. Does everybody have a bit of cash to chip in? All you have is a fifty, Terry? Okay, well give me the fifty and everyone else chip in a bit and we’ll give that to Terry. Okay, a five, you’ve got a ten. $2.75, Ted? Really? Well, fine, just give it to Terry. What about you four? You all only have debit cards? Fantastic. No, we’re not going to be able to split the whole order up between cash and four debit cards. Whatever, I’ll cover it and you can owe me. No, it’s no problem.

Okay, everyone, I just got off the phone with the pizza place, and they won’t deliver here this late. I know a good Chinese place that will, so what do you all want? Everybody’s good with Chow mein, right? What else?


Photo by nettsu via Flickr

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