Johnny Scott’s Fabulous Future

Where do I see myself in five years? It’s a question I often ask myself, and it gets more difficult to answer with each passing year. I’m almost thirty years old now, so in five years I’ll be approaching 35. I feel like by 35 I should have my life pretty figured out. I mean, 35 is an adult age. If you don’t have things sorted out by then, I think it’s probably pretty pathetic. It’s hard to speculate exactly where I’ll be, but there are some key aspects that I’ll focus on, and I expect everything will just sort of fall into place.

First off, I expect I’ll have a car. It’s cool to ride the bus before you’re thirty, very bohemian. It really shows that you haven’t sold out to the man. That you have really strong ideals. But by the time you reach 35, you should be successful enough that you have your own automobile. The way I see it, I can go one of two ways. I can put a down payment on a brand new car now, and, by 2017, I should be able to have it all paid off, or, I wait until 2017 and buy a used 2012 for cheap. Either way, in five years I’m at the same spot. This is assuming there aren’t rocket Segways by then, which I think we can all agree is a very real possibility.

I’ll bet that in five years my music taste will be real classy, too. That’s something that comes with age and maturity, I think. Like, right now I’m pretty much all about rockin’ out to some Seger and Scaggs, and it’s hard to imagine those guys taking a back seat, but when I’m 35, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be all about Beethoven and Brahms and Mancini. Real dinner party music. Also, I’ll probably be hosting a lot of dinner parties.

I’ll likely have a huge house, too, with a lot of expensive art hanging on the walls, because by then I’ll totally “get” art. People will be at my dinner parties, sipping wine from my sprawling wine cellar (which will be the size of four Olympic swimming pools, and be filled to the brim at all times), and we will have heated discussions about the art. Right now I have a bachelor apartment with one cat, so I guess in five years I’ll have upgraded to a two-story house with a garage and indoor pool, and five or six cats. Or maybe, like, two really big cats. Panthers, probably. And a stable of horses. I can’t guarantee that I’ll own a horse that wins the Triple Crown, but I won’t rule it out. Actually, yeah, it’s pretty likely.

In five years I’ll be in great shape. I’ll be able to do 150 chin-ups in a row, no sweat. It’ll be easy for me to stay fit because probably food will come in nutrient rich, low fat tubes of paste that taste like Hollandaise sauce. I won’t be a show-off or anything, but ladies will find it pretty tough to resist me. I’ll gallantly demur from their advances, though, because I’ll be happily married to that beautiful girl I always see shouting at kites down by the duck pond.

We’ll have three children, a girl and twin boys, and be tormented by trauma stemming from our firstborn having been eaten by one of the panthers when he was an infant, a horrific event for which we’ll both harbour blame and resentment toward each other for the rest of our lives. Our house will be a delight at holidays because we’ll really go all out when we decorate!

Of course, to facilitate all this I’ll need a great career. One that’s satisfying, high-powered, and high-paying. I’m a no-nonsense dynamo who answers to no one. In five years I’ll be a highly regarded, influential pillar of the community. I’ll be an accomplished hang-glider, an excellent dancer, able to play the glass harmonica, and I’ll have appeared in a national television commercial for teeth whitener.

So, I hope this sufficiently answers your question. I feel that I am qualified enough to join the ranks of skilled sandwich artists at this fine Subway franchise location. Attached you will find my résumé, which I believe you will deem satisfactory.

*Photo by timtom.ch via Flickr.