Humour

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Have you ever had one of those 3am conversations with a fellow music aficionado, sitting on the floor with vinyl records strewn about, debating the merits of certain genres of music in a kind of stream-of-consciousness free-flow of observations and criticisms? If not, Fred Armisen can give you the full experience.

Saturday night at the Olympia, the former Saturday Night Live star, co-creator of Portlandia and band leader for Late Night with Seth Meyers took to the stage for his one-man show and immediately began asking questions he’s clearly been pondering for years now: how can you tell when a jazz solo for upright bass has ended? Why don’t violinists cue up the orchestra? Why do horn players always talk about money?

The evening is a journey into the mind of a man who has spent the past several decades observing the oddities of both music and comedy. He calls the show “Comedy For Musicians… but everyone is welcome“. There really couldn’t be a more apt title. The audience ate it up, but those with a musical background clearly got more out of the show.

It helped that the crowd was well­­ warmed-up by local comedian Francois Bellefeuille, who gave a Nasty Show-worthy anecdote about his internship as a veterinarian, where he found himself having to masturbate a horse to completion and get graded for it.

Armisen, perhaps not having heard his set, awkwardly brought the subject back to horses at one point in his own act, noting that they always seem to look through you with little interest. To the audience‘s relief, the subject promptly swung back to music.

Like the best kind of high school teacher, Armisen exudes a casual warmth that immediately puts you at ease, while also piquing your interest. True, there were moments where his delivery almost recalled that of Nicholas Fehn, his SNL character who was famously unable to complete a single sentence without starting another.

Nevertheless, much of the pleasure in the show came from his ability to hop, skip and jump around. He even copped to the unorthodox nature of his comedy, saying “When I first came up with that – I guess I’ll call it a joke”. In a festival overflowing with punchlines, his approach to humour was a breath of fresh air.

Armisen took us through the percussive evolution of Punk Rock and vented on the following: needlessly long pieces of classical music, guitar players who sing along to their own solos, singers who pretend they can‘t reach their notes when they clearly can, and guitarists who make feedback a large part of their act.

In his best bit, he reenacted what he believed must have been the inner narrative of the studio drummer performing the opening to Diana Ross’ hit “I’m Coming Out”.

At one point, Armisen even lead the audience in an improvised sing-along reminiscent of his hilarious Garth and Kat SNL sketches, where he and costar Kristen Wiig would have to keep up with each other’s spur-of-the-moment lyrics.

The audience was able to follow along, and for their efforts were rewarded with a few short songs by some of Armisen’s fictional bands, Test Pattern and Blue Jean. They left with only one complaint: that the musician left without returning for an encore, which the crowd eagerly demanded. Here’s hoping the next time Armisen returns to Montreal, he is ready and willing to give them more of what they came for.

Tickets for other Just For Laughs shows are available at hahaha.com.

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Would You Bang Him? is a show with a funny premise. Hosted by the Nasty Show’s Bonnie McFarlane and her husband, Rich Vos, it is a mock game show in which a panel of female comedians assesses a group of male stand-up comedians and decide whether or not they’d have sex with them. It’s one of Off-JFL & Zoofest’s late-night offerings, and it is hilarious.

The panel of judges consisted of female comedians Marina Franklin, Beth Stelling, Emma Willman, and Carmen Lynch. In addition to the judges on the programming, they invite a young woman from the audience to participate, though the eloquence and humour of her questions to the contestants told me she might have been a plant.

Competing for the judges affections were Jak Knight, Jim Norton, Bobby Lee – who also hosted the Nasty Show, Big Jay Oakerson who also played the Nasty Show and Donnell Rawlings – who was also part of the Ethnic Show this year.

Donnell Rawlings

It should be said that none of these guys are classically bang-able and mostly average – some are older, some are heavier, and some could definitely use clean clothes and a shower.

They are not being judged on their appearance, but rather their personalities and ability to make the judges laugh, and every competitor is supremely talented in this regard.

Each comedian has five minutes to plead their case. Some, like Jim Norton, went the route of dark self-deprecation. Others, like Jak Knight and Big Jay Oakerson, opted to keep it raunchy with discussions of semen and cunnilingus.

Jak Knight

Bobby Lee’s material was uniquely Asian in flavor, tackling stereotypes in his five minutes. Donnell Rawlings was particularly notable not just because he turned around and went judge by judge, saying whether he thought they’d bang him before they gave their ruling, but also because he made the only Montreal joke and it was hilariously on point. Of the construction holiday he said:

“How you on vacation from a job you ain’t even finished?!

As hosts, McFarlane and Vos are adorable and funny. Though they were constantly ribbing on each other, you can tell there is real affection there not just for themselves, but also for many of the comedians both performing and on the panel. While the judges gave their votes and opinions on the men, McFarlane and Vos were always ready with a snarky comment. The first performer, Jim Norton, affectionately referred to them as “Dummy and Cher”.

Jim Norton

Would You Bang Him is not for everyone. If you’re the kind of guy who loves watching female beauty pageants but will have a trolling mantrum when women judge men, you should probably avoid this show.

If you were hoping any of the judges will actually bang the competitors at the end, you probably won’t like this show either. If you want to have laughs delivered in a unique format and are willing to stay awake for an eleven forty-five show, check this out. It’s fun!

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Adam Cayton-Holland is a comedian who endured something terrible. Shortly after his previous appearance at the Just for Laughs festival, he found that his sister Lydia, his best friend, had committed suicide.

A couple of weeks later while he was destroyed by grief, he and his friends sold their first pilot. He went to therapy and wrote a book called Tragedy Plus Time to help him process his grief. His Off-JFL Zoofest show, Happy Place, is a one-man show based loosely on his memoir.

Happy Place is a show that will make you uncomfortable. In it, Cayton-Holland has a frank discussion about suicide, mental illness, and grief. He talks about his upbringing in Denver, Colorado, his parents, and the unusual ticks he and his siblings have, or in Lydia’s case, had.

He talks openly about crying, about the depression he’s been through, and the therapy he went through to help him cope. It is as much a tribute to his sister as it is a step towards destigmatizing mental illness.

Every once in a while the show will veer off-topic from his family and his grief and tell a story or a fake statistic or make a snarky remark that hints at the comedian he used to be before tragedy struck. Though I was often laughing during the show, I found myself sniffling more than once.

You don’t feel like an audience member when you see this show, you feel like a friend letting another friend pour their heart out on stage. If I had one criticism, it’s that he describes depression as making the sufferer not realize how foolish and selfish they’re being, something that could exacerbate the shame often felt by people that are struggling with it.

Happy Place is not a typical Just for Laughs show. If you want to see a comedian on stage telling you jokes, look elsewhere. If you want something with a little more substance, something that will make you laugh and cry, something that uses comedy to destigmatize something horrific, check out Happy Place. It’s worth it.

Just for Laughs continues until July 28, tickets available through hahaha.com

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While this was not technically a comedy show in the traditional sense, rather a promotional panel of writers and TV personalities, it still garnered laughs from the audience, mostly resulting from Jann Arden’s brash humour and witty jabs.

Going into their sophomore season on CTV, the group was at Just For Laughs to promote the show, share their process and discuss feminism in the industry. As season one ends, Jann was revealed as #1 New Canadian Series of the Year with 1.4 million viewers in the first week.

As an avid watcher of The Social on CTV, I was excited to see Cynthia Loyst’s, a host of the morning talk show, name on the roster for the event. Loyst was the host for the panel which included namesake Jann Arden, co-creator of Jann Jennica Harper and Leah Gauthier, writer for Jann.

I can also say that I am a fan of Arden’s, being a Canadian who grew up with female artists playing on repeat at home (thanks, mom). Along with many other Canadians, I have followed the success of many Canadian artists like Arden, and with a lot on her plate, she seems incredibly proud of her most recent endeavour: Jann.

The group discussed how the concept of the show began, and evolved, to include more and more real-life moments from Arden’s life, including her mother’s battle with dementia, and her career. “We call it the ‘tickle, tickle, punch’,” says Gauthier, agreeing that the sardonic nature of the show is increasingly popular to audiences.

In the writing room, which is happily outnumbered with women, is a collaborative space, according to the group. “We work really hard to include men,” jokes Arden, who says the sole male writer, Mike McPhaden, comes up with many of the best “girly” jokes for the show.

Harper confessed to working in other writers rooms that had been previously male-dominated, and sparked Arden to share the importance of mentoring other women, not letting your age limit you, and asking for what you want in your career.

When Loyst directed the audience to chime in with their own questions, they ranged from Arden’s take on the differences between the music and television industries, filming in Calgary and Canadianisms, to a sweet surprise when an audience member finished with “could you sing a little bit of Insensitive.”

This lead to Arden standing up, walking to their seat, creating a stir in the rest of the audience to begin taping as she serenaded in her signature and familiar voice amidst awe and giggles. Arden’s ability to connect with her audience and quick wit made the promotional panel feel like a fun conversation with a friend.

Check out Jann on CTV, season one is streaming on CTV.ca or CRAVE.

Just for Laughs continues until July 28, tickets available through hahaha.com

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I had no idea what to expect when I walked into the Olympia theatre to see Steve-O: The Bucket List. Steve-O is mostly known for his work on the MTV stunt films and TV show, Jackass. The description said he’d be talking about stunts and showing us clips. It didn’t feel like the kind of thing you’d see at Just for Laughs, but it was that and a whole lot more.

It should be said that this show is not for the faint of heart. If you have issues with seeing feces, nudity, semen, pus, and excruciating pain, you might want to avoid it, but if you have a strong stomach and an open mind, you need to see this show.

Opening for Steve-O was Brad Williams, who’s been coming to Just for Laughs for years. Williams is a comedic powerhouse, a dwarf who is unafraid to make fun of himself and anything else.

True to the pattern in his comedy where he bitches about how he’s frequently mistaken for other famous dwarves, he came on stage announcing that he was NOT Wee Man, the dwarf from the Jackass series. The rest of his set was jokes about being married to a tall woman and the challenges it brings. It was a great intro.

When Steve-O took the stage my first thought was that he got old. He was clad in a plaid shirt and khakis – the clothing choice of middle aged men everywhere – and above his glasses he has a little gray about the temples. His hoarse voice proceeded to talk about getting older, proposing to his fiancé, and the challenge of what to do now that he’s in his forties.

Does he continue his ridiculous stunts or not? The show was about tackling his bucket list of crazy stunts he wants to do.

Before showing the video clip of every stunt, Steve-O tells the audience the tale of what inspired the stunt, the logistics involved, and any difficulties they ran into along the way.

The overall vibe you get from Steve-O is one of gratitude.  His storytelling is at once dramatic, engaging, and funny. He is self-deprecating and endearing and the video clips that follow his stories are every bit as hilariously absurd as he describes.

The stunts you will see include things like “Vasectomy Olympics”, which he attempts painful crotch torturing activities following his vasectomy, and “Skyjacking” in which he masturbates before skydiving nude.

One particularly hilarious stunt was when defecates into an electric fan. In the story preceding the video he describes how the stunt made him realize his fiancée was “the one”, as she was the only one who didn’t run when the stunt went awry. Though the show was graphically disgusting in many ways and I had to cover my eyes at least once, of all the Just for Laughs shows I’ve been to so far, it was at this one that I laughed the hardest.

That said, if you’re feeling brave see this show. You will laugh and cheer for Steve-O.

Just for Laughs continues until July 28, tickets available through hahaha.com

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When I interviewed Ronny Chieng a few weeks ago, he told me his favourite comedy to perform was on things that annoy him, and that we would see examples of this in his Just for Laughs show.

He is on the tail-end of his Tone Issues tour, the name drawn from his wife’s criticism that he always sounds either sarcastic or angry when he speaks. That said, I was stoked to see his show, as I’ve been a fan of his since I saw him appear on the Australian web series, The Katering Show. 

Opening for Chieng was Anthony DeVito, who is also playing the Ethnic Show this year. His set was hilarious and endearing, and though some of his material was repeated from the Ethnic Show, some of the jokes I hadn’t heard before. Like his crack about his obsession with shows about odd animal friendships and how he’d like to see a human version. It was a great warm up, and a promise of things to come.

Ronny Chieng came on stage immaculately dressed in monochromatic pants and shoes, each and every hair in place, and launched right into his first rant about anti-vaxxers. In this show, no one was safe. He took the piss out of everyone from Baby Boomers to Millenials, White supremacists to even the lowly comedy show reviewer. On Baby Boomers, he pointed out that they’re a group who’s on their way out and is trying to take everything with them.

Though Chieng’s show was mostly angry in tone, it wasn’t all negative. His comedy shows an infinite respect for women, New Yorkers, and Asians. Many of his jokes about Asians in America and how they’re generally better at running things were repeated from his other shows, but there was enough fresh material to keep it interesting.

When I interviewed him, he explained that he tries to add nuance to Asian stereotypes or destroy them when possible. He did that and more, at once praising the desire of Asian people to keep things working no matter the circumstance, and pointing out the absurdity of Asian weddings. When speaking about women, he praised the meticulousness of those who take the birth control pill and pointed out that they don’t owe men anything.

The only joke that fell flat was a joke he made about the wage gap, but to Chieng’s credit, he admitted during the show that he probably shouldn’t have included it.

That said, Tone Issues isn’t for everyone. If you’re the kind of person who likes “happy” comedy and can’t handle a little negativity, Ronny Chieng isn’t the comedian for you. If you want to laugh your butt off at some of the most brutal social criticism you’ll ever hear, check it out!

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I had no idea what to expect when I walked in to She The People. Featuring an all female cast from Second City Toronto, it’s described by Just for Laughs as “a sketch show entirely created, designed, and performed by fearlessly funny women!”.

Sketch shows can often be hit or miss, with a couple of good skits and a ton of bad ones. When you add that to the mistaken belief that women aren’t funny, She the People has a lot to prove, and it does so spectacularly.

I knew this was feminist comedy going in, and I though I myself am a feminist, I was worried that it was going to consist of a slew of period jokes and rants about the patriarchy. She the People had that and more, tackling sexism, racism, rape culture, LGBTQI phobia, reproductive rights, and the pay gap and though I tried to find a serious flaw in this show, I found none. Every skit was funny, every actor made a mark, and every social criticism was hilarious, brutal, and on-point.

Whether it was the sketch about microwaving Lean Cuisine as a metaphor for the reproductive rights debate, or the skit in which the cast portrayed the women in ads, every joke was funny. One notable gag was when a cast member came on stage in a T-rex costume and pearls to talk about men who shame women for their clothing choices, though I have to admit that she could have gone on stage and praised Trump and I still would have giggled and said “T-rex costume!”

One of the best political jokes of the night was the ballet featuring cast members in masks of Canadian male politicians from Trudeau to Scheer to Ford, done appropriately to the song “Send in the Clowns”.

That said, whether you have doubts about whether women are funny, or simply want to laugh yourself silly, you need to see She The People. It doesn’t just smash the patriarchy, it’s a hilarious blow to the glass ceiling of comedy.

She the People is playing at the Centaur Theatre until July 27. Tickets available at hahaha.com.

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For eight seasons on the shameless sketch comedy series MadTV, comedian Bobby Lee cracked audiences up with his impersonations of celebs like Connie Chung and Kim Jong-il…but just as often by simply running around naked, even to the point where one sketch featured an Intervention-style sit-down with his concerned co-stars. It was a career-launching experience for the California native, who makes his Montreal debut this week as the host of Just For Laughs The Nasty Show. With his successful podcast introducing him to new fans, the 47-year old is happy to reflect on the good ol’ Mad days and share just how nasty he plans to get.

James Gartler: How did your popular TigerBelly podcast get started back in 2015?

Bobby Lee: My girlfriend asked “how come you don’t have a podcast?”And I said, “No one will listen if I have one.” So, she went to the store and bought all the equipment and told me “Well fine, I’m going to do it on my own then,” and for a couple of weeks she did. One day I just walked by the room and she was sitting by herself looking so sad, so I said “Fuck it, okay, I’ll do one with you”.

It turned out really well and we started accumulating a couple of episodes and building some good traction and eventually I was able to get really good guests, like Jordan Peele, Eric Stonestreet, Craig Ferguson and others. It kind of reinvented me in a sense. People wanted to see me again. So it’s been great.

JG: Do you feel podcasts are great medium for comedians? It seems like an open-mic night that can go on for as long as you want it to and no one can censor you really…

BL: Also you find your real audience that way, I’ve done a lot of different things – a couple of lines here and there in movies, TV shows and whatnot – but podcasts were the way to reach the people that share my real sensibilities and people that enjoy what I have to say. It’s reinvented my shit, man, and I’m pretty happy.

JG: Have you never performed in Montreal before?

BL: I’ve never performed in Montreal before. I’ve done Vancouver a bunch of times, Toronto, Edmonton, Calgary, all those rooms, but Montreal is the one festival I’ve never done, which is weird because I’ve been in the game for so long.

JG: You’re hosting JFL’s The Nasty Show, which is a popular ticket. How do you decide what material works best for that kind of evening?

BL: Well, not every joke I’m going to tell is going to be a dirty one. I feel like I’ll do an act that I would do in L.A. and that’ll suffice. People say that I’m really dirty – I don’t see that. I could have done The Ethnic Show a couple of years ago, but I decided that maybe the dirty one was more up my alley.

People think that when I perform that a lot of Korean people come out. I have no Asians come out. My audience is a mix of everyone. Obviously, I have Asian people that like me, but I wouldn’t say that’s my audience. If you see someone like Jo Koy, he has a huge Asian audience. I don’t think Asians like me that much.

JG: Why’s that?

BL: I won’t tell you who it was but many years ago there was a Korean actor at The Comedy Store who saw me perform and he came up to me and said: “you’re a disgrace to your people”. So that’s when I knew, “ohhhh, I don’t really connect with them really” (Laughs). Like, if you look at my audience, the people have tattoos on their eyeballs, or they have some weird thing they’re doing with their hair, they look a little dirtier, much like me. I’m just a dirty ethnic guy.

JG: On MadTV you showed a real propensity for running around naked. Did they request it or did it evolve over time?

BL: I just had this thing growing up where I just kinda liked being naked. It’s a control thing, to be honest with you. The other reason why I do it is because I never thought that I was that sexy, but once I started getting naked and being more comfortable with my body is when I feel like women started going “Oh – he thinks it’s good. Maybe it is good?”

It was a way to build my self-esteem, really to be honest with you. And also, getting naked on MadTV was nothing – I used to do some crazy shit. I used to poo in people’s dressing rooms. I pooed in the executive producer’s office once. So being naked is not the worst thing I did.

JG: So by comparison they overlooked it…

BL: Oh yeah. But MadTV taught me so many things about life. It really influenced me because it was so difficult being on that show, especially in the late 90s/early 2000s.

I was a little Korean guy on an American sketch show and that rarely happens.

For me to be able to get that show and learn how to act and memorize lines and perform on TV was so valuable. And also it taught me that “oh shit – maybe you can make it”. Getting there was so important to me on so many different levels.

JG: And a lot of the cast has moved on to great things. Alex Borstein, of course, has her great voiceover career and Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele are doing well for themselves. Who are most jealous of, from your costars, if anyone?

BL: Honestly, I’m not jealous of any of those guys because those guys are all family. I’m more jealous of people who are more my type. When people my type do better than me, then I get a little crazy.

JG: What’s your type?

BL: I think my fear is that when other when other Asians make it people think that I’m that person. Like when Ken (Jeong) got Hangover and it became a big hit, I would walk down the street and people would roll down the window and yell “Hangover!” so people thought I was Ken for years. That’s what I dread the most – when other Asians make it and people think that I’m them.

JG: Was there a backlash for MadTV alums after you left the show? The material didn’t pull any punches. You made fun of everything and everyone and it was hilarious. Was it hard to go into an audition and say “hello and yes – I’m the guy from MadTV”?

BL: At the time when we were doing it, it felt like… We had no control over what the show was.

When Keegan and Jordan and Ike (Barinholtz) were there, I knew, even though we weren’t really a hit, we were under the radar, but I still knew that the level of talent on MadTV that could rival SNL. I’m not saying we were better, but I was able to see so many good guys.

When I joined the show, Alex was still there, Will Sasso, Michael McDonald…all those guys are my friends and it was just a great introduction to comedy. Keegan and Jordan and Alex and all these people being successful only helps my cause. I feel like Key & Peele reinvented the way the industry views MadTV. I know that Key & Peele was their own thing, but they are MadTV people and they met on MadTV. The kind of talent I was exposed to completely and utterly blew me away.

And also, I got sober on that show. I discovered recovery on that show. I relapsed, I got sober and that’s how I was able to do movies after that. So even though there was some darkness, I have fond memories when it comes to Mad.

The Nasty Show runs July 17 to 27. Tickets are available at hahaha.com or by calling 514-845-2322. Follow Bobby Lee on Twitter @thetigerbelly.

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Ronny Chieng is one of the few comics to bring an Asian perspective to the Just for Laughs stage. He is playing the Just for Laughs festival as part of his Tone Issues Tour but you can also see him on The Daily Show and in Crazy Rich Asians, his first role in a major motion picture. 

I had the chance to speak to Chieng over the phone. Being half-Asian myself, I know about the expectations Asian parents often have for their children so I asked if his family had different hopes for him career-wise. Chieng appreciated the question because one of his very first jokes at Just for Laughs addressed that.

He spoke of being sent to Australia to study law but he was a poor student. He became a comedian because he couldn’t get a job in law, and comedy ended up paying better. He even said that he didn’t tell his parents about his new career directly – they found out about it when he appeared in the local press in their home country, but they’re okay with his career choice now.

Since Chieng now works in America and a lot of his comedy is political, I asked him if he thinks Trump is good for comedy. He feels it’s fair to say that Trump is good for comedy.

“He’s bad for life, bad for the planet, and bad for the country, and bad for mental health everywhere. At The Daily Show we talk about him every day, so I’d be hard-pressed to say he’s not good for comedy. Would I want that? No, I would rather have someone else – he has more cons than pros for the comedy world.”

Though Chieng doesn’t like the Trump Administration, he doesn’t feel that comedians working in America should feel obligated to criticize it in their comedy.

Great stand-up, in his eyes, comes from really authentic points of view and pandering to trendy topics if you’re not personally passionate about them is not going to make for good comedy. 

While comedians shouldn’t feel obligated to talk about it, he feels that everyone – comedian or not – has an obligation to say something if they feel that something isn’t right.

Chieng’s comedy centers a lot on being Asian in predominantly white countries so I asked if his work was more about dispelling stereotypes or just about laughter. At first he joked that it was about making money, but then said that he is about fighting stereotypes or at least give them a little more nuance. 

“If there’s a stereotype, I would like to explain why that’s a stereotype and maybe take the stereotype to another level – explain the full story behind the stereotype or break the stereotype altogether if I feel a stereotype is unfair. I try to address it because I feel like no one is talking about it in society. I wanted someone to talk about it when I was growing up so that’s the kind of comedy I do. I hope I do the kind of comedy I wanted to see.”

While a lot of Chieng’s comedy is about lived experience, he does research on occasion to make sure he knows what he’s talking about. When it comes to his favourite topics in comedy, he said it’s mostly things that make him angry, saying he has an hour of such examples in his Just for Laughs show.

Crazy Rich Asians was Ronny Chieng’s first film role, so I couldn’t help asking him about it. Chieng loved doing the film because it was shot in Malaysia and Singapore, where he’s from, which allowed him to see family and friends during filming. 

The film was considered ground-breaking because it supposedly opened the door for more Asian characters in film when Hollywood still didn’t think it was possible. While Chieng doesn’t consider the film to be the be-all and end-all of films featuring Asian characters, he thinks the fact it was so well-received is amazing. 

“What the movie was really good at was not over-explaining Asian things and showing Asian characters as complete three-dimensional characters with complicated needs and wants. Some of them are good guys and some of them are bad guys, some of them are in between, they fall in love, they fall out of love, they have complicated lives. I thought that was very useful. I think it also established a baseline for Asian storytelling moving forward. I think there’s no context for Asian stories usually in the West, so a lot of movies can’t be made because there’s no baseline understanding so I feel like Crazy Rich Asians is a very good baseline story for Asian people in the West.”

There have been criticisms of Crazy Rich Asians as only showcasing paler-skinned Asians. For example, Filipinos like myself tend to be darker. Chieng sees the problem in the fact that in North America, Asian is considered a single voting block despite the diversity in Asian nationalities and cultures among the Asian diaspora. 

“You got Koreans, you got Japanese, you got Burmese, you got Thai, you have Filipinos, you have Malaysians, you have Chinese people, not to mention Chinese Indonesians, Chinese Malaysians, Chinese people who live in Japan, Chinese people from different parts of China with all the different dialect groups. Then you have the same number of people Americanized… and each of those groups are very distinct cultures. To expect one movie to cover the entire diaspora of Asia is an unfair burden placed upon it by Western views of what Asia is,”

In terms of criticisms that the film only showcased wealthier Asians, Chieng considers the movie satirical and that it showcases the extreme wealth that’s in Asia right now because that’s how the West experiences Asia in 2019.

Ronny Chieng is playing Just for Laughs from July 23 to 25. Check him out.

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Things are gonna change for me around here. Real soon. I’m done with being disrespected. I’m sick of being laughed at. I’m tired of being judged by passing birds. And most of all, I’ve had it up to here with being ignored by the cosmos. That all changes tomorrow.

I’m going to show all those women who dumped me. I’m going to show all those guys who always picked me last for badminton. I’m going to show all those dogs who just walked away when I tried to pet them. I’m going to show all the people who didn’t want to be friends with me just because I kept yelling at the sky. I’m going to show everyone.

I’m going to beat the shit out of the solar eclipse.

People are talking a lot of big game about this so-called “major astronomical event.” Like it’s some real hot shit or something. Like the moon and the sun converging once every few years is some big deal. Pfft, yeah, I have sex almost that often too. You’re not impressing me, eclipse.

I’m seeing all these Facebook events popping up for eclipse-watching parties. Everybody wants to be the eclipse’s friend. Well guess what? I’ve got a Facebook event for you. It’s called “Come at me, eclipse, I’ll knock your astral dick in the dirt.” Start time: the moment the edge of the punk-ass moon starts creepin’ onto that little bitch the sun. End time: after two hits; me hitting the eclipse, and the eclipse hitting the floor. The space floor.

Oh, you don’t think I can take the eclipse? You think just because it’s, like, twice the size of me I don’t stand a chance? You ever hear of a little story called David and Goliath? Yeah? Well Goliath isn’t gonna win this time. No, I’m taking that gradually-more-awe-inspiring-as-the-heavens-gloriously-align bastard down. The sun’s not gonna look so hot when you can’t even see it anymore! Because I punched it, that is. Not because it was eclipsed by the moon. Dammit, I feel like I really just muddied my point. Anyway.

How will I do it? Easy. First I’ll blend in with some regular spectators, wearing their dumbass eclipse glasses ‘cause they’re scared of it. Well I’m not. That’s when I’ll strike. I’ll pull off the stupid glasses, break them in two, and throw them in the ditch like a proud rattlesnake shedding the skin of a mighty wolf. Everyone around me will be like “whoa, who’s this cool guy? I wish he was my friend.”

Then I’ll look right at the eclipse and say something real badass, like, “hey, eclipse… time for lights out.” And we’ll stare each other down. Don’t worry, I won’t go blind. I’m tough. Besides, scientists say looking at an eclipse can destroy your retinas, and I won’t be looking at it with my retinas, I’ll be looking at it with my eyes, genius.

It’ll all be over pretty fast. Sure, the eclipse will probably get a hit or two in, but it’ll be no contest. Anyone who’s seen me practicing karate on clouds in the park knows that. And when it’s all over, and people are packing up their telescopes and microscopes and what have you, all everyone will be able to talk about will be how cool the guy is who beat the shit out of the eclipse, and how they all want to be his friend. All those stuck-up stars will be so jealous.

After word gets around the galaxy about what went down, the eclipse will think twice about showing itself around here again. And so will every other cosmic show-off. I’m looking at you, aurora borealis. You think you’re so pretty? Everybody just loves you, huh? Well I’m pretty too, you know! We’ll see who’s prettier after I kick your rippling green ass!

 

Photo by Takeshi Kuboki via flickr

CultureHumour

These days, many women walk around playing with their phones or other devices like they’re people with lives and interests and hobbies and friends. Often they’re wearing headphones, presumably listening to Lilith Fair playlists on Spotify or podcasts about diva cups.

This means they’re not interested in being talked to by men they don’t know, and you should leave them alone.

Or does it?

Some of these women might be in serious relationships or be lesbians or maybe they’re just not looking for anything right now. Some of them could be giant bees disguised as humans and to anger them might put you in danger of being swarmed by the entire hive. In any of these cases, particularly the latter, it’s probably best to just give them a wide berth and go on your merry way.

But a lot of women wearing headphones on the bus or at the mall or while out for a jog are just waiting for you to stop them and talk to them. Why? Because the headphones they’re wearing are actually cursed relics, and they’re completely bound and under a power other than their own. They’d welcome a confident, easy-going man coming along and motioning for them to remove their headphones so that he may talk to them. And banish the malevolent spirit inhabiting those headphones back to the nightmarish hellscape from whence it came.

What To Do To Get Her Attention

  1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 metres between you). Any less than this and you risk the demon presence’s aural tendrils latching to your eyes and the tip of your penis and draining the life force from within you, leaving you a dried-out husk and it more powerful than ever before.
  2. Hold whichever blessed vestige you intend to use to quell her curse in a confident, easy-going manner.
  3. If she hasn’t already raised her unnatural gaze toward you, simply flourish the Sword of Magisterial Truth before the dead galaxies which were once her eyes, until they meet yours. Begin to chant your litany. She most likely won’t be able to hear you, but it’s just a way of showing her that you’re trying to wrestle her everlasting soul from the malediction which has plagued her lo these many years.
  4. Once you do have her attention, by proxy of the unholy horror whose grip she is ensorcelled by, continue your sacred invocation with renewed fervor. The profane demigod who is controlling her will undoubtedly assault you with a barrage of visions of your family being tortured and dismembered in ways so unimaginable and horrific that your overwhelming instinct will be to fall prostrate in supplication and surrender for eternity to the void. But do not let your confident, easy-going manner waver, this is just how many women play hard to get and test a man’s persistence.
  5. Once the terrible spirit begins to physically manifest itself, the battle is almost won. It is now time to use against it the sacrosanct items you have brought to dispel it from our dimension forever. Be mindful that some malicious deities’ corporeal forms must be pierced by a divine implement, while others can only be defeated by having their own magic turned back against them. If the latter is the case, make sure you have with you an enchanted mirror or crystal. Also, don’t forget to keep things flirty.

For example, in a shopping mall or behind a corrupted church where dark rites are frequently performed:

You: [Smile confident and easy-goingly] HEAR ME, GROTESQUE HELLSPAWN! I HAVE COME TO SMITE YOUR COUNTENENCE FROM THIS HALLOWED PLANE! BY WHAT RUBRIC DO YOU COMMAND YOUR CATASTROPHE?

Woman: Jessica.

You: [Add in some playful banter to get a spark going between you] COOL TO MEET YOU, JESSICA. I DON’T NORMALLY EXORCISE GIRLS WITH HEADPHONES, BUT YOURS ARE FIERY PILLARS THREATENING TO CAUSE THE FIRMAMENT TO CRASH DOWN UPON US ALL AND BEGET OUR RUIN.

Woman: [Possibly sputtering an incomprehensible guttural language, spewing thick noxious fumes] Hi.

If it’s clear that she’s interested in battling with you for the very future of humankind, sit and chat with her for a bit before getting her phone number and rending the fabric of existence to exile her malignant spectral puppeteer.

Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching Women Wearing Cursed Headphones

  1. Not knowing what kind of curse they’re up against

One of the biggest mistakes guys make when approaching a woman wearing cursed headphones is not having done his research. Knowing the difference between an ancient Sumerian curse and an ancient Phoenician one can mean the difference between saving your town or having all the liquid in your body burst through your flesh in every direction at once. This isn’t amateur hour, so if you don’t want every child born on earth for the next two hundred years to be stunted goat-goblins, read your grimoires, guys. It’s all in there.

  1. Not being confident and easy-going

You should have a confident, easy-going manner.

  1. Taking “No” for an answer

Whether it’s winning a vicious confrontation with an all-consuming eidolon or winning the heart of a beautiful young woman, the key is always persistence. If she won’t take those headphones off, keep trying. Women are attracted to unwavering, borderline-threatening determination in men, and demons fear it. So don’t allow “no” to even be part of your vocabulary. Unless, of course, you’re uttering the phrase “erok aanul no fadeem kruul” as part of your cantrip to excommunicate a powerful apparition back to N’eleth Tul, in which case obviously the ritual won’t work without it.

With all these tips, you should be well on your way to seeking out and talking to women wearing cursed headphones and breaking the curses forced upon them. Of course, not every woman wearing headphones is wearing cursed headphones, but the only way to find out for sure is to get out there, be confident and easy-going, talk to them, and see what happens when you throw the mystical astral powder into their eyes that you obtained from that high-ranking necromancer!

Photo by cinnamon_girl via Flickr

Ed’s Note: In case you don’t know and think Johnny Scott has lost it, this article is a parody of a really terrible post on another site. We don’t want to give them direct traffic, but Google “How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones” and you’ll find it. Also, yes, Johnny Scott did in fact lose it a few years ago, but apparently has found it again. When we find out exactly what “it” is, we’ll let you know.

CultureHumour

Ahoy, mates! I welcome ye aboard the Swift Doom, the most notorious and feared galley on the Seven Seas. Yer all here because ye saw one o’ the want ads we posted all over the port, and in every ale house and brothel where a carousin’ scallywag can wet his whistle and whatever else he wants to wet! Yar har har!

O’ course, we also put up bulletins on the community notice boards and at the women’s resource centres. On this ship we don’t discriminate based on gender or sexual orientation. Many o’ our top officers are women, and we pay ’em the same as the men. None o’ this 70 cents on the doubloon nonsense! And ol’ Gibberin’ Thomas in the crow’s nest is openly gay. Though that doesn’t define his role or personality, I’m just mentionin’ it to illustrate a point. He’s a respected member o’ the team, and we don’t treat him any different. Arr.

If ye be a visible minority, we have many excitin’ opportunities fer ye in entry level bilgin’ and swabbin’ with plenty o’ room fer advancement. We here on the Swift Doom like to encourage diversity. Not like we have a quota or nothin’, but we pride ourselves on our multicultural hirin’ policies. Time off will be given on all major religious holidays, yar, and concessions will be made fer any cultural or ceremonial attire, as long as it doesn’t be gettin’ in the way o’ yer swashbucklin’! Yarrrrrrr har!

Now, speakin’ o’ swashbucklin’, we’ll be engagin’ in some rough and sometimes dangerous activities, involvin’ cannons and swingin’ on ropes and fightin’ off scurrilous knaves with our cutlasses. So it be important that ye tell us now if ye have any disabilities or medical conditions. Thar’s a place fer everyone aboard this ship, and the handi-capable are a vital part o’ our crew. We even got a substantial booty compensation plan fer anyone who’s crippled due to hazardous workin’ conditions. Just because we’re out there pillagin’ and plunderin’ doesn’t mean anyone has to be unsafe about it!

Oh, yar, and speakin’ o’ which, now would be the time to let us know if ye have any food restrictions or allergies. Once we set out to sea, it’ll be leagues before we’re able to stop somewhere fer soy or tofu. No worries about nuts, though, this’s been a nut-free ship fer nigh on to two score and seven. We be able to accommodate anyone needin’ kosher or halal meal plans, and fer any o’ you vegans, our cook, Big Stompin’ Bertram, makes a delightful arame and lentil salad once we get out to where the kelp grows thick.

Arrrrrrr, now if yer able to follow the rules o’ the ship, and not expose any o’ yer shipmates to problematic behaviour, ye’ll do just fine. But if ye be a troublemaker, well, yer punishments will be fierce. A spell locked away in the brig is standard, but fer particularly troublesome rapscallions a strongly-worded thinkpiece on the nature and effects o’ yer actions will be employed. And for the most heinous o’ offences, such as body-shamin’ a fellow matey, you’ll be forced to—and trigger warnin’ now, there’s going to be some frank talk about plank-walkin’—walk the plank!

So, if ye still think the pirate life is the life for ye, get yer blunderbussin’ arses to work with all the other scurvy dogs. O’ course, I use the term “scurvy dogs” as a colloquialism, there’re no pets allowed on the ship whatsoever. A bunch o’ us got allergies. Arr, that reminds me, no strong colognes or perfumes neither. We’re tryin’ to make this a safe, comfortable, inclusive space fer everyone!

Hoist the Jolly Rita! That’s what the Jolly Roger goes by since she began identifyin’ as female last year, and we all support her heartily, aye, so we do. Also there’s no expectation fer her to be jolly at all times. She may be our flag, but she doesn’t owe us anythin’. If she doesn’t feel like smilin’, there isn’t one o’ us who has a right to tell her she ought to be.

Now, get yer sorry deck-swabbin’ behinds into line, we leave first thing tomorrow after brunch! Big Stompin’ Bertram is makin’ gluten-free french toast and salmon eggs benedict with a spinach hollandaise!

 

Photo by Robert Pittman via Flickr

CultureHumour

So, you’re single. Big deal. Who cares? So what if all your couple friends talk about you when you’re not around in a concerned tone usually reserved for speaking about someone who just found out they have cancer. There’s no shame in being single. Be proud, you impossible-to-love loner weirdo.

But just because you’re single doesn’t mean you need to fall into bad eating habits in an attempt to fill the all-consuming void inside you. Microwave burritos, frozen pizzas, and potato wedges from the fried chicken shack down the street that’s been shut down four times already this year for health code violations are easy options when you’ve got no one to impress with your culinary prowess. But, come on, you’re better than this. That chicken place is covered in rodent droppings. They found them on the ceiling fan once. How does that even happen?

There are loads of great tasting, simple to prepare meals for one out there that won’t hurt your wallet, either. So, whether you just got dumped or you’ve been perpetually single for years, keep in mind that you’re fundamentally damaged and no one will ever be able to commit to a healthy long-lasting partnership with you because you’re incapable of being happy with who you are.

Wait, sorry, I meant to say keep in mind that a fun, healthy solo dinner is just a few easy steps away. Ignore that last thing. Anyway, here are a few of my favourites for you to try.

This first one is a regular in my meal plan because it’s so quick and requires so few ingredients. Start with one 1.5 litre bottle of wine (red or white, the recipe’s pretty flexible), and drink a third of it. Officially the recipe calls for you to drink from a wine glass, but that’s not required. I usually use a nice ceramic coffee mug, but you can use pretty much any receptacle you have on hand. Or just drink straight from the bottle. The recipe doesn’t call for any judgment. I once completed the entire thing using a cat dish because I ran out of clean cups.

Once the first third of the bottle is finished, the next step is to go outside for five to seven minutes and yell at something alive. It could be a stranger out walking their dog, it could be their dog, it could be a squirrel or a bug, the important thing is that it’s a living being that can comprehend on some level that you’re angry at life and you’re taking that out on it unfairly.

In a pinch, if you can’t find anything else, yell at God. Whether God exists, or is “alive”, is not for this recipe to weigh in on, but if you can’t find even a bird or something hanging around, God can be substituted.

Once you have shouted yourself hoarse, or the neighbours have dialed the police, return to the wine, and drink the next third. As you’re doing this, log into Facebook. It’s time to start messaging exes. Begin by telling them it was a mistake to ever let them out of your life, and things were so much better when you were together, despite all those things you said, you can see that now. You’re seeing things clearly for the first time. They were right this whole time, and you’re sorry for everything, especially that unfortunate toast at their sister’s wedding.

Switch gears very quickly at this point, telling them that they don’t deserve you and they’ll never find someone as good at oral as you are. Then preemptively block them, catch a bus to where they live, and take a shit right outside the drivers’ side door of their Optima.

If you’re already blocked by your exes, you’ll have to find a more creative way to get a message out. I put them into articles I write, because I know you’re reading this, Stephanie. I hope Brad knows he’s not just moving in with you, he’s also moving in with your borderline pathological trust issues.

The final step is finishing the last third of the wine. This will complete the meal with a lot of crying, perhaps a hole punched in the drywall or cupboard doors ripped off, and a good deal of speculation on who would attend your funeral if you died tonight. The meal is capped off when you pass out in the bathtub.

That’s it, I guess. I know I said I had a few recipes to share, but, well, life’s full of all kinds of disappointments, isn’t it? That’s what I was screaming about at that caterpillar after a third of a bottle of wine last night, anyway.

 

Photo by korafotomorgana via Flickr

CultureHumourSex

Dick pics are nothing new. Centuries ago men would make etchings of their members and nail them to the shutters of their intendeds’ windows. This trend evolved with the changing times. Daguerreotypes of dudes’ junk were sent by carrier pigeons throughout the mid-19th century. In the ’80s it wasn’t uncommon for a guy to hide a wang polaroid under a big line of coke as a fun surprise for the gal next up.

Today dick pics are more prevalent than ever, due of course to the ease of texting, dating apps, and social media. But ask any woman and she’ll tell you that the majority of cock snaps she receives are unsolicited and unwanted. Which raises several questions. When is it okay to send a dick pic? What am I really trying to say with this dick pic? How many dick pics should I be sending per hour?

Sometimes it makes sense to send a woman a dick pic. Sometimes it doesn’t. Distinguishing this is one of the most important aspects of dick picking. How do you do this? There are a lot of factors you’ll need to consider. Hey, no one ever said being a man with a photogenic dong was easy.

If a woman sends you a pic of part(s) of her nude body, it’s only polite to return the gesture. In fact, if you don’t send one after this, you might as well just text her back saying, “I received the communique regarding your breasts, and after careful and deliberate consideration have decided to never engage in the ravages of carnal intercourse again, and will be retiring to a mountain monastery where I will spend the rest of my life devoted to the Trappist art of cheesemaking.”

Other times it’s appropriate to send a rod shot include special occasions like birthdays, long weekends, regular-length weekends, Wednesdays, the night of any full moon, during parades, Ramadan, lightning storms, the twelve days of Christmas, harvest time, February 29th, February 21st, the first day of spring, February 28th, restaurant soft openings, the march of the penguins, and July. Avoid sending one on Valentine’s Day, though. It’s tacky, and that’s a meaningful day when you should be sending a butthole pic.

So, once you’ve determined it’s appropriate and a real great idea to send your lucky lady a photo of your gonads, there are still a few things you should be mindful of. Composition and a knack for flair are just as important as length and girth in a woman’s eyes. Style is important, but shouldn’t overwhelm the subject. Everything should gel and the whole of the project should reflect your larger intended meaning. You want to be the Bill Watterson of unflinching penis closeups, not the Bil Keane.

It kind of goes without saying that you should be fairly to fully erect. No one wants to look at a man’s flaccid genitals. It would look better if you went to the local butcher shop and snapped a pic of a pile of tripe and sent her that. So do whatever you need to do to achieve arousal. I have a model electric train set transistor that I attach to my nuts, that’s what usually works for me, but everyone’s unique.

It should be well lit, but not harshly lit. Get some candles going, put on some Remy Shand, and just do what feels natural. If you’re having fun, that will come through in the pictures. Women are intuitive, they can sense when a boner is relaxed and having a good time. If you’re nervous, just imagine the boners of all your friends are there, cheering you on. You can do it, little guy!

Well, I mean, not little. Average sized. Totally average sized.

The main thing to remember is that your dick is special, and it’s a privilege she’s being given to be able to gaze upon it in its glistening, crooked glory. Your dick will change the world one day, it will change her world, and it’s totally a really good idea to send it. The things she’ll do when she gets an eyeful are lurid and obscene in the most wonderful way, and don’t at all include laughing about it with her friends.

So dick on, my friend, dick on. Don’t be dissuaded by requests to cease, derisive comments, or being ignored. It’s your right as a man to continually disseminate explicit images of your anatomy, and you should never let your confidence waver that one day they’ll be part of something important. Like, probably most likely be evidence in a harassment charge.

 

Photo by JaBB via Flickr

CultureHumour

Stephen Harper once released two-hundred thousand snakes into the city of Moncton. I mean, they weren’t poisonous snakes, and most of them just died the following winter, and actually they did do a lot to get rid of a mouse problem that was affecting a substantial portion of the city’s restaurants, but that’s not the point. Stephen Harper didn’t release two-hundred thousand snakes to help local businesses, Stephen Harper released two-hundred thousand snakes because he could.

You didn’t hear a lot about it in the media. In fact, it went largely unreported even in the city of Moncton itself. Which makes sense, I guess, because why would you need it to be reported to you that your city is overrun by snakes when you suddenly have thirty snakes in your bedroom or your sex gymnasium. It makes even more sense when you learn that one of the snakes was a boa constrictor and ate the reporter for the Moncton Free Press who was writing a story about the snakes.

Okay, that’s not really true. But the boa constrictor did eat the reporter’s Lhasa Apso. And that reporter is a raging alcoholic who can barely meet a deadline at the best of times, let alone when her dog is dead and there are snakes coming out of her kitchen sink. At least that’s what my friend who works for Canada Post and was stationed there for six weeks told me.

Anyway, the fact is that Stephen Harper released all these snakes. Just because it wasn’t reported on by any major or reputable news source doesn’t mean it’s not true. Also I saw a meme that some people posted on Facebook that said he did some bad stuff to all of Canada’s protected rivers and lakes. I can’t remember what it was exactly. Probably he peed in them, I guess.

And that’s pretty fucked, I tell you what. Stephen Harper, the man who is supposed to be running our country, is going around and peeing into 2.5 million rivers and lakes. That’s going to take a long time. And a lot of taxpayer dollars. That’s a lot of pee, no matter how much Sunny D you drink. And what’s next? Our pools? No sir, Mr. Harper, I say. I didn’t vote for you for you to go around peeing in the recreational facilities of hard working Canadians.

In fact, I didn’t vote for you at all. So how did you get this job, anyway? If I didn’t vote for you, and a bunch of people who post anti-Harper memes on social media didn’t vote for you, then who did? I mean, I’m a pretty popular guy, I know like twenty people. And they all say they didn’t vote for you. So where are all these votes coming from?

I guess friends of his must’ve voted for him. It’s a big popularity contest. Like how I didn’t get to be my high school graduating class’s valedictorian because Jacob had a bunch more friends than me. Also because I didn’t do real good with grades on account of I don’t do good English and I can’t math. And technically I didn’t actually graduate. And because of that one time Mr. McKay caught me selling cocaine.

It wasn’t even actually cocaine, Mr. McKay, it was just baking soda. But Jason and Shelly and Wade and all the other popular kids didn’t know that. We were sixteen, they had no frame of reference, they thought that’s what cocaine was. Way to blow a good thing I had going, McKay.

So, anyway, Harper unleashes this torrent of snakes upon the citizenry of Moncton, and wouldn’t you know it, he gets elected again. Mainly, I guess, because all of those snakes voted for him. Which isn’t surprising, because snakes are big oil advocates and notorious climate change deniers.

I guess my point is that the reign of Harper needs to end. And the only way to make that happen is to not vote for him in the upcoming election. If we all decide to vote for someone else this October we can put a stop to the rampant abuse of power that Mr. Harper has been bandying about as Chamberlain of Canada for over fifty years.

Realistically, though, none of us should even be voting at all, considering we were all stripped of that right after being arrested and charged for getting real drunk and pooping repeatedly over the course of five weeks onto Alan Thicke’s star on Canada’s Walk of Fame.

 

Photo by Seattleye via Flickr

CultureHumour

Earlier this month, Cecil, a Zimbabwe national park’s beloved friendly lion, was killed in a gruesome fashion by what everyone assumed at first to be a Spaniard, presumably in a sexy crime of passion taken too far. But, it turns out it was an American dentist named Walter Palmer, because of course it was an American.

But, while there has been large-scale uproar online both in the form of innumerable social media posts and countless thinkpieces, most calling for Palmer’s shaming, some for far nastier consequences, there has been very little support for the poor dentist at the heart of this whole firestorm. But I think we need to consider his side.

Now, just hold on a second, before you go screaming for my flaying and beheading for even suggesting that maybe we go easy on the guy, hear me out. But he killed an innocent lion, you all say. A lion that everybody loved, you go on to say. A lion who saved my aunt from a burning building once, you continue. A lion who lent me $300 to cover my rent last month, you’re still arguing. Well, just wait a minute.

You didn’t know who Cecil the lion was before this. You’d never heard of him. Cecil the lion is like some obscure indie band, named Cecil the Lion, whose frontman killed himself or died of an overdose, and suddenly they’re all over the news and everyone’s like, “I’ve been a fan since that first EP. They’ve been real game-changers in pop music for years, and the world is only now starting to catch up. Yeah, I totally heard of them before this. I read about them on… uh, Pitchfork.”

And another thing. I’m not so completely sure Cecil was as great a guy as the media and public seem to be portraying him. Even a cursory Google search will tell you that he was kind of a jerk. More than that. Cecil was an agent of the patriarchy. He was the leader of a pride that included six lionesses whose only roles were to bring him food and bear his offspring. A fact which Cecil never publicly denied.

Yet we fault Palmer for having virtually the same macho hang-ups. Yes, perhaps the most important argument for the defense of Mr. Palmer, is that as a white, middle-aged American professional, he is entitled to go to whatever lengths he needs to feel that his penis is as normal-sized and functional as anyone’s.

For a guy to travel halfway around the world, pay tens of thousands of dollars, and murder a majestic symbol of virility and strength, he must have some serious cock problems. And, hey, I get it. All us guys get concerned over our size once in a while, or have the occasional misfire.

If I had a tiny dick and the only way I was able to get it hard, even for twenty seconds, was to kill a wild animal twice the size of me, I’d cut a swath of death and destruction through the Serengeti so big you could see it from fucking space.

I’d wipe out entire endangered species just for half a minute of the ability to penetrate a woman successfully, if only any woman would want to come anywhere near my horrible hate-engorged genitals. And I’d expect all of you to support me. After all, what’s more important than my fragile male ego? Certainly not some lion’s.

Besides, are we even sure he went in there with the intent of killing Cecil? How do we know he wasn’t there to give him a root canal, or do some bridge work, and things went terribly wrong? Accidents happen. Cecil was 13, that’s a lot of wear on a lion’s teeth. If Palmer had been the guy who paid $50 000 to go into Zimbabwe and give ol’ Cecil the lion a set of beautiful new crowns, we’d all be hailing him as a hero.

But just because he dragged the carcass of one animal behind a truck to lure another animal out of its safety so he could shoot it with an arrow and spend the next two days waiting for it to bleed out enough to catch it and shoot it with a gun, then skinned and beheaded it and left most of its corpse to rot, we brand him a “monster.”

My, my, so quick to judge, aren’t we? Well, if you can take a good look inside yourself and honestly say that you, too, have never done that exact same thing at one time in your life or other, then congratulations, I guess you’ve earned the right to call Walter Palmer a complete psychopath (and sign the petition).

But if you’re just a regular person like the rest of us, who routinely murders magnificent, irreplaceable, endangered animals, well, maybe think a little harder next time before you open your big fat mouth and start spouting criticisms all over Facebook.