What bleeds for a week and doesn’t die?

I find myself sitting alone in my bed watching, videos of kittens cuddling with various other cute creatures, orphans getting adopted for Christmas, the reactions of dogs seeing their soldier owners after years of deployment, and more sappiness into the wee hours of morning just weeping. Crying my eyes out for no reason and every reason imaginable. Its ridiculous – I feel weak and powerless over my emotions. Its like that Sarah McLaughlin fucking Angel song is playing on repeat in my brain for the entirety of my red wave.

Recently, I have been really feeling like a WOMAN. I have had my period for about a week now. This month my darling Aunt Flo is a relentless bitch. I love my femininity most of the time, but during my red days I would much rather have a penis, even a small penis would be better than a throbbing, bloody pussy. Penis envy is not my thing, but I would trade her in for a few days each cycle. I know that I am probably no fun during these days. All of the energy is drained out of my body and I catch myself being hormonally cranky and full of pure rage for no apparent reason. I apologize for anyone whom I hurt during this time.

When I am not crying or ready to kill someone, I am ferociously horny. Its insatiable. Time to earn your red wings lover. I do often find that I am pretty much irresistible while bleeding, the bears can smell the menstruation. I smell different and am full of all the hormones – the “whore moans.” I have had some of the best sex of my life while on the rag. Shower sex is so much fun or even just putting a towel down works. I’m a squirter, so I do these things anyways. I even had a bearded gentleman suitor eat me out, while my beef curtains were extra rare. It was fucking intense! He couldn’t help himself, like a wild animal he devoured me. I have had sex with several women while they were on their periods, I did not let the bloodbath scare me. I mean, I definitely concentrated on the clit with my mouth, and let the fingers do all of the dirty work, but it was beautiful and spontaneous. Tasted a little like pennies.

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The day I lost my virginity: I was a young teenager and my boyfriend lived like a half hour away, he had to take the bus to come see me. The night before we messaged each other on AIM, and planned the whole thing. My parents were going to work and he was going to make the trek over to pop my cherry. This is it, I thought, the day I am going to become a woman! So I wake up with a smile on my face, and then look at my panties: SONOFABITCH! I got my period. There was no way to call him off since this was before cell phones were prevalent. So I cleaned it up and pretended like nothing was out of the ordinary. We had sex for the first time and I bled. He was also a virgin and just assumed that all the blood was from my precious little hymen breaking. I started my sexual career based on a lie.

I never read the book but apparently there is a part in 50 Shades of Grey, where he removes her bloody tampon and they get it on. Good for them! I’m happy that this is being discussed. The intimacy of a relationship is built on love and attraction. I am a woman and I bleed, fucking deal with it! If you want to get it on go ahead. Period blood is natural and lubricating. Its not that I want a guy to pull out the tampon and ring it out with his teeth like a delicacy or chew on the blood clots like candy. I just want some consideration down there. It’s easy to wipe your junk off or to take a shower. Could be from red to dark brown clumps, still fine. What’s a little blood and uterus goo between lovers?

I have to admit that I have had my reservations in the past when it came to period sex. Now, I see that it was just the insecurities of my partners at the time that made me think that way. I had been told by too many men that it was gross. You want me to swallow your cum and that’s sexy, but if you get a little blood on your dick that’s gross? Fluids are fluids as far as I’m concerned. I even had a man freak out once when I woke up with my period and stained his sheets. It was mortifying and I felt second-class the way I was treated. Total disrespect.

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Some people are even into blood play. They go as far as cutting each other and having sex in the blood. In a world where HIV is real, I think that is a little dangerous. What I’m talking about is sex with a condom during a light day of my period, not so gross. It is a myth that you cannot get pregnant during your period, so still be safe, please.

People are obsessed with blood to the point that they make art with it. Menstrual blood paintings are a real thing. I once was dressed like a zombie and left a bloody hand print on someone’s wall, that was pretty funny. In college it seemed like every feminist art student made at least once piece with tampons. I made a corset out of tampons and other feminine products. Imagine filling squirt guns with fake blood and having a war with the tampon corsets on, they would puff up. Total period piece.

During the time of the month where our life-giving uterus sheds its lining, women can become ferocious sex crazed beasts. Take advantage of that. Get over the bloody stigma and dive right into the red sea – it is spread open and ready for the taking.

Ever think, “Wow that person would be SO SEXY if their face wasn’t so god damn U-G-L-Y (you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly)?” There is a new trend sweeping the globe: paper bag facial coverings! The ultimate equalizer! This economic and functional fashion statement only requires a proper fitting brown paper bag (these can be found at many grocery stores). We do NOT recommend plastic bags as a substitution. This is no time for your auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish. For while it is important to suffer for fashion, it is not necessary to die of suffocation in the name of beauty.

Got a pimple? Put a bag on it! Bad hair day? Yep, put a bag on it! This effortlessly lovely look has been hitting the runways in New York, Paris, Miami, Toronto, Montreal, and Milan for years, and is finally ready for the streets! Vogue magazine is planning a full Paper Bag Heads spread for Summer 2015, as well as the Sports Illustrated Paper Bag Swimsuit Edition. It is absolutely stunning on everyone! Much cheaper than getting your hair and makeup done at a high end salon. It looks perfect with an evening gown or tuxedo, just as fabulous with a pair of torn jeans or sweat pants and a hoodie. Try the bag head look for your next date or intimate encounter. Light some candles, put on that Billie Holiday record, pour the champagne, dip some strawberries in chocolate, throw on some lingerie, high heels, and of course your paper bag! BOOM! Romance is in the air.

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Single and looking? Want something a little more meaningful? A new trend in speed dating also involves people wearing paper bags on their heads, and going on two minute speed dates. There is so much more to someone than what you see in his or her looks. A connection should be based on personality as well. The reveal is at the end of the session. This trend is big in cities like London and New York. Some participants wrote a comment or personal fact on the bag, others simply drew quirky faces. It is a less shallow version of speed dating started by Loveflutter.com. This unique version of speed dating has been dubbed “the thinking person’s Tinder.”

When you finally shed your paperbag the world will bask in your true beauty. It’s like an ugly duckling syndrome: someone who was absolutely unattractive in their youth, mocked and made fun of, only to blossom into a beautiful adult, who is now strong and sexy, and can handle any criticism due to the douchebaggery of their peers growing up. You have to rely on what’s inside to make a connection while rocking the paper bag look, this is not the trend for those with terrible personalities or extremely annoying voices. Beware if you fall into that category.

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This trend has been spotted all over the place for a while, and is finally translating to high fashion couture levels. Sporting fans have worn paper bags on their heads to show they are ashamed of having a losing team – New Orleans Saints fans wore bags that said “the Ain’ts” when their team was less than satisfactory. NY Knicks fans have also been sighted wearing paper bags. There is The Unknown Comedian, who sported the bag head look on The Gong Show. Last year Shia LaBeouf took part in this trend in Berlin to his Nymphomaniac premier by wearing a paper bag with “I am not famous anymore” written on it. Even musical star Ke$ha has been sighted with the paper bag head look. While mostly popular in the 18-24 demographic, this trend has also been sighted on trendy older folks (mostly cougars) trying to maintain their youth and vitality, as well as those pesky tween fashionistas trying to look older (make sure you ask for ID when you take that beautiful bag head home).

Rip my clothes and paper bag off. See what’s inside. I recently used a paper bag head for a burlesque routine to the Radiohead song “Creep” and it was a hit to say the least. I felt an extreme rush of energy as I slowly stripped my clothing off while keeping the bag on my head. At the very end of the song I ripped the bag to shreds, symbolizing my distaste for how beauty is viewed. It was beautiful and the audience loved it. Most of mylife I have been dealing with people saying “Oh you have such a pretty face!” but a FAT nasty body is what they really mean. It was interesting to hide my most popular attribute and rely on the rest of my body to get people going.

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CHALLENGE: Show me your inner Paper Bag Princess! I want to see your best brown paper bag head selfies. Get out your markers and go! Write your favorite quote, draw the face that you want to represent you, and decorate your bag to match how you feel about yourself. Be creative! You can create a plethora of facial expressions, beards, dramatic eyebrows, makeup, mouth hole designs, extra embellishments, and more. For an extra fancy status symbol bag, it is recommended to bedazzle your headgear with diamonds or at least some Swarovski crystals. I want to see this trend in action. Get those paper bag selfies up on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and more NOW (what are you waiting for). I triple dog dare you. GO!