clowns

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How did I get here? This is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife.

On getting so wasted that you have to ask a friend to re-cap your night:

Starting the night looking like a well polished scary neon clown and ending it looking like a juggalette that gave too many blow jobs and has a five o clock shadow. She sat on the porch grinning in the darkness on Halloween night.

“It was a night. Stuff happened. Let’s sleep on the couch and watch scary movies.” Two minutes later she is ass up on her bed with her adorable lace panties (on top of her leggings) exposed. Bloody hands and an unlocked bike.

Goodnight sweet clown, we will talk in the morning. I love that human more than words can explain, as I say in shows, I masturbate over her while she sleeps. Jk.

So, um. What is up with running in your ex on Halloween at basement punk shows?

This holiday seems to bring out everyone you have ever fucked or wanted to fuck and place them in the same crusty basement as you. My bestie once threw a punch at her ex in a mosh pit, “You better be drunk.” She did it because he was an asshole and she was drunk. Runs into the same ex wearing his “appropriate” undersized Misfits tee and acid wash mom jeans.

I remember one Halloween running into someone I excommunicated from my life, he immediately put his arm around me (and wasn’t wearing a costume mind you, fucking pathetic). I quickly lifted it off. I was very proud of myself in that moment. I came a long way to physically lift him off me.

My friend saw it go down and was going to come save me, but I did it myself before she had the chance. It is important to stay true to your convictions.

I am trying to write this while listening to my roomie watch a horror movie, she figured she would get it in the day after. I have such a visual mind that what I am imagining is probably worse than what is actually on the screen. Or not, shit is brutal these days. Horror flicks are all about that gore. I have a hard time with anything past Evil Dead, the first 15 Scream movies, Chucky, Freddie, Jason, and all the classics. Modern horror just grosses me out.

It’s either raining or the Babadook is outside. I was stoned watching scary movies all night and my other rookie’s boyfriend came over, I heard him on the porch and around back, but he didn’t knock, he was texting her and she was asleep.

I picked up a giant stick and was going to beat his ass with it until he said who he was. Real gore on beggars night. Glad that didn’t happen. Don’t scare couch stoners. We are delicate creatures.

I will always be a fan of Tim Curry as It. I based my routine on It for the She Lives Whorer 2 Show. The next day I was Trump and sat on a toilet I had to carry down three flights of stairs with my lady. We were covered in poo water for art.

Trump is more frightening than Pennywise the dancing clown because THAT SHIT IS REAL. News is the scariest fucking truth!

You know what else is real? The Midnight Meat Train, Bradley Cooper’s first starring role and he is a vegan climbing on carcasses running from an evil butcher. I couldn’t stomach it and had to write this blog.

I will watch some stand up or a lighthearted rom com with her after as a reward. Not knowing anything about the movie I decided that the meat train was a drunk forgotten night gone wrong, or maybe a gay gang bang porno, possibly a special steak hoagie, or a GO VEGAN PSA! Yeah thats it.

Spoiler alert…

Weird, it was about lizard people the whole time.

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Today I met a salsa dancing Peruvian clown. High wire trapeze and juggles. I’ve always wanted to run away with the circus, do something fun and be free. You really never know who a person is until you talk to them.

Then one of my Dreamlander friends stopped by wearing a bat onesie with big fluffy ears and played a half ass game off chess with me. We talked about a warehouse party we both attended, I was a glam leprechaun, and about having to create a scene versus joining into an established one.

My wanderlust is strong, my need to quench my quest for fun, for fantastical adventures and caravans of freaks. I want to roam, I want to be with someone who understands that life.

The clown I met today said he has had girlfriends but it was hard, like they didn’t really understand the circus life. The only thing I can’t approve of is being part of a circus that still uses animals, I can’t support that ever. It’s abuse and it is wrong.

There are plenty of awesome circuses that are animal free, which means all participants gave their consent. Animals cannot consent. I adore fire dancers, sword swallowing, aerial silk dancers, clowns, dirt bike tricks, and other human tricks. I want that ethical circus life.

clowning aroundI surround myself with performers. Everyone I live with is incredible and creative. I get home and lay on the couch with my cat , eating my dumpster grapes, surrounded by smoke and candlelight.

The door opens, cold rushing in, enveloping the living room with a bitter chill that cut right through my rainbow sweater, and then in walks in my roommate and her friends: a future male burlesque dancer named Chocolate Fantasy, the most beautiful Asian girl with all of the daddies, and a low key drag queen.

My best friend is a clown, think balloons full of blood. We even did a special performance on her birthday at the Cirque De La Lune where we re-created a scene from the 1920s silent clown movie He Who Gets Slapped. I really called in the clowns for that one. I had to go in to the venue to scrub blood off the walls, it was so worth it. What a magical night.

Juggalos are so easy to make fun of, but why? I bet the Gathering of the Juggalos is a blast. They do what they want and are ridiculous. I love anyone who isn’t afraid to wear makeup. If you ever get the chance please for the love of all that is good watch Tom Green at the Gathering of the Juggalos, it’s the funniest.

I had a clown hit on me once on OKcupid, he said he liked clown farts, is that a sex act?

ok cupid clownMy roommate met a clown on Tinder in New York City, but he didn’t come out as a clown at first. He tells his friends he is a party entertainer so they all think he is a stripper. Why so ashamed bro? That’s an awesome way to pay the bills.

Lucy and I literally had the same fantasy at the same time, painting faces! So jealous of that life, I would be the happiest clown ever, that’s what I am doing after I retire from burlesque.

I love performing so much, I always fall for musicians. I want to be with someone who’s voice makes me tingle, wiggle and writhe.

Once a burlesque couple guest performed- a dancer and a musician, so funny he even mimicked her number. I wanted that life so bad, conquer the world out of a giant bus run on vegetable oil that is set up so my three cats can come with us (don’t worry I will NEVER exploit them for the show). Maybe this pussy palace on wheels will have some solar panels and a garden on it, too.

I need a fearless artist, performer, comedian, quick witted, willing to make a fool of themselves, basically me. People all say opposites attract- fuck that I will never date a racist Trump voting bigot asshat- I only want like minded fools in my life. I am extreme so my opposite is also extreme.

I love in the movie The Punk Singer. Kathleen Hanna talks about falling for her husband, Ad-Rock from The Beastie Boys. She is a feminist riot grrrl and he is in a bro rap group that objectifies women. They were idealistically opposite with their art, but both still artists, they met in the middle and he even stood up against violence towards women during an award acceptance speech.

It is important to have some differences, because that sparks great communication and conversation. Positive change and mutual inspiration. I need someone to take the lead and lead me to somewhere good and not dark. I know that light needs dark to look brighter, but two bright explosions together is also a spectacular site.

What about a photographer, a dancer, a poet, or even a clown? Sometimes the people you least expect could be incredible, perhaps your next soulmate, future tour parter, love of this moment.

It’s all we have, those spontaneous seconds where new ideas form, where people change you so profoundly they could not imagine. I want to collaborate with someone I have never met yet. I know people who run away and follow their dreams instantly without thought or premeditation. Planning is for those who don’t truly succeed.

It’s interesting to me that letting someone in just a little bit can take life into all kinds of crazy adventures. It feels like things are literally piling up on top of you- work, dishes, piles of clothes, health problems, family stuff, drama llamas, ect. and you need to escape or be trapped. I must spin a globe and go where it lands.

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I had the clown nightmare again. This time I was marching towards a shinny carousel surrounded by darkness. Some unknown magnetic force was pulling me towards the musical octagon, so I couldn’t get away, my feet were locked, moving forward.

I stepped up the carousel step, a very large awkward step, and sat down in the cold seat of a chariot. Then suddenly, for no reason, the carousel sped up. I tried holding on to the pole in front of me but my hand kept slipping off the side.

Then a clown with a red curly fro and a polka dot white baggy suit jumped out of one of the empty chariots in front me. I recognized the clown from another dream, but I couldn’t remember what dream. He moved towards me with ease even though I was having increasing difficulty standing. He gave me a big smile and that was when I noticed that he looked a lot like John Wayne Gacy as played by Brian Dennehy but with a twisted Pennywise smile.

gacy

Suddenly I had to make a choice: either fall into the pit of darkness or fight this clown who was now taking swipes at me with his shiny knife…That’s when I woke up, covered in the cold sweat of terror.

Since childhood, I have harboured a deep rooted fear of clowns, so I had trouble falling back asleep. I got up, drank an entire carton of milk, then ate a pickle. Afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about the dream so I Googled“Clown Nightmare”and here were my results:

Coulrophobia- Wikipedia

The prefix “coulro-” may be a neologism derived from the Ancient Greek word κωλοβαθριστής meaning “stilt-walker.”[nb 1] Although the concept of a clown as a figure of fun was unknown in classical Greek culture,[4] stiltwalking was practiced. Honestly. Never trust a man on stilts. If he can’t look you in the eye then he’s got to have something to hide.

It’s true that Wikipedia was kind of a cop out, though it has taught me so much about random crap at two in the morning (where else can you learn about the bombing of Dresden while snacking on potato chips?). It even taught me this really cool new psychological nomenclature: “Coulrophobia.”

Neat, huh? And who knows how long humans dreamed about evil clowns; perhaps medieval children’s nightmares were full of evil killer jesters. Maybe even earlier. The ancient Babylonians had diabolic trickster demon-gods that resembled clowns…think about it.

clown workshop

Clown Blog|jondavison.blogspot.ca

Going to the circus as a child may cause latent detrimental effects in adults: some people now walk the earth dreadfully afraid of clowns. But before we give into our fears, we ought to ask ourselves: What is it like to fill a clown’s shoes?

I think Jon Davison’s site Clown Blog helped me understand the motivations and reasons behind the attraction to this profession. There must have been a few good motivations. After all, only a small percentage of  clowns and mimes are really evil.

Analyzing your dreams or nightmares|Dream Bible

No longer convinced that all clowns are out to get me, I started peering at the next site dedicated to the psychology behind clown dreams. The Dream Bible seems to focus on an interpretation of personal embarrassment. Since embarrassment is something we choose to hide it oftentimes come through in our dream state, in the form of clowns.

For instance, did you know that clown sexually assaulting you means that you fear the lack of control you have when embarrassed? The more you know!

clown4

Murderous Clown Nightmare That Feels Sooo Real | Clowns Dream Interpretations|Experience Project

Just like my own sharing of  a clown nightmare earlier, there are many sites dedicated to the sharing of personal experiences. It’s often nice to reach out to people and find someone who shares you fear, or your nightmare; whether it be fear of alien abduction, herpes-type rash or a shared fear of mimes and carnival acts.

People need to know they are not alone. The Experience Project is a pretty good social network for dream analysis.

evilronald

Killer Clown|Tumblr/The 9 Most Frightening Clowns On Film

You know what’s a really bad idea? Looking up all these ridiculously scary clown gifs an hour after a clown nightmare.

With my plans to got bed over I decided that the best way to get over my fears was to watch a movie about them. So after reading  the  9 most frightening clowns in movies  I tried watching Carnieville, which turned out to be a very good idea.

Turns out I  have no problem falling asleep while killer clown movies play in the background . In fact I was knocked out cold…