Dick pics are nothing new. Centuries ago men would make etchings of their members and nail them to the shutters of their intendeds’ windows. This trend evolved with the changing times. Daguerreotypes of dudes’ junk were sent by carrier pigeons throughout the mid-19th century. In the ’80s it wasn’t uncommon for a guy to hide a wang polaroid under a big line of coke as a fun surprise for the gal next up.

Today dick pics are more prevalent than ever, due of course to the ease of texting, dating apps, and social media. But ask any woman and she’ll tell you that the majority of cock snaps she receives are unsolicited and unwanted. Which raises several questions. When is it okay to send a dick pic? What am I really trying to say with this dick pic? How many dick pics should I be sending per hour?

Sometimes it makes sense to send a woman a dick pic. Sometimes it doesn’t. Distinguishing this is one of the most important aspects of dick picking. How do you do this? There are a lot of factors you’ll need to consider. Hey, no one ever said being a man with a photogenic dong was easy.

If a woman sends you a pic of part(s) of her nude body, it’s only polite to return the gesture. In fact, if you don’t send one after this, you might as well just text her back saying, “I received the communique regarding your breasts, and after careful and deliberate consideration have decided to never engage in the ravages of carnal intercourse again, and will be retiring to a mountain monastery where I will spend the rest of my life devoted to the Trappist art of cheesemaking.”

Other times it’s appropriate to send a rod shot include special occasions like birthdays, long weekends, regular-length weekends, Wednesdays, the night of any full moon, during parades, Ramadan, lightning storms, the twelve days of Christmas, harvest time, February 29th, February 21st, the first day of spring, February 28th, restaurant soft openings, the march of the penguins, and July. Avoid sending one on Valentine’s Day, though. It’s tacky, and that’s a meaningful day when you should be sending a butthole pic.

So, once you’ve determined it’s appropriate and a real great idea to send your lucky lady a photo of your gonads, there are still a few things you should be mindful of. Composition and a knack for flair are just as important as length and girth in a woman’s eyes. Style is important, but shouldn’t overwhelm the subject. Everything should gel and the whole of the project should reflect your larger intended meaning. You want to be the Bill Watterson of unflinching penis closeups, not the Bil Keane.

It kind of goes without saying that you should be fairly to fully erect. No one wants to look at a man’s flaccid genitals. It would look better if you went to the local butcher shop and snapped a pic of a pile of tripe and sent her that. So do whatever you need to do to achieve arousal. I have a model electric train set transistor that I attach to my nuts, that’s what usually works for me, but everyone’s unique.

It should be well lit, but not harshly lit. Get some candles going, put on some Remy Shand, and just do what feels natural. If you’re having fun, that will come through in the pictures. Women are intuitive, they can sense when a boner is relaxed and having a good time. If you’re nervous, just imagine the boners of all your friends are there, cheering you on. You can do it, little guy!

Well, I mean, not little. Average sized. Totally average sized.

The main thing to remember is that your dick is special, and it’s a privilege she’s being given to be able to gaze upon it in its glistening, crooked glory. Your dick will change the world one day, it will change her world, and it’s totally a really good idea to send it. The things she’ll do when she gets an eyeful are lurid and obscene in the most wonderful way, and don’t at all include laughing about it with her friends.

So dick on, my friend, dick on. Don’t be dissuaded by requests to cease, derisive comments, or being ignored. It’s your right as a man to continually disseminate explicit images of your anatomy, and you should never let your confidence waver that one day they’ll be part of something important. Like, probably most likely be evidence in a harassment charge.


Photo by JaBB via Flickr