Exes

AdviceCulture

Don’t panic. No, actually, its ok to panic!

There are a few moments in life that are completely mortifying. This is one of them if you deal with it improperly. That awkward moment when your current squeeze meets yesterdays squeeze and has no fucking idea.

Of course it makes sense that people you are attracted to will be attracted to each other in some way, but come on! What are the chances? I once walked into a bar and felt like it was the fucking Twilight Zone because everyone in there was in my pants at some point in time…

Oh hey person I lost my virginity too talking to my super ex from 3 years ago and the girl I have a crush on! Oh hey girl I made out with on the pride gay train six years ago holding hands with that other human I had fireworks with last year. Maybe I’m a whore, maybe I live in a small town, but sometimes it’s uncanny.

It is even more difficult to navigate bars and parties during the holidays. People who are normally far far away come home to make your life hell. You never know who you are going to run into, or who is related to who. We all have the same circle of friends. Everyone fucks everyone or at least knew someone who fucked that person or whatever. It’s a crazy twisted web. Le sigh.

Lets just use this scenario: You are seeing someone new. You meet them for coffee and talk about where you work. He says, omg, I know someone who works there! Do you know (insert name here, we will use “Lady X” to protect the innocent)? You respond with, why YES, I know Lady X! She just so happens to be marrying my super ex, like the person I dated for a bunch of years, she ACTUALLY cheated with him while he was dating me, she fucked him while he was with me and now the are getting married, oh yea and she is pregnant with his evil demon seed, RIGHT? (heavy breathing and hair disheveled at this point)

Sips coffee like nothing happened. Strange kind of serial killer smile on your face. Eye is twitching.

“Ummmmmmmm, yea,” is all they say in response to your manic tantrum. She was like a friend of a friend he knew in high school, hasn’t seen her in years, and definitely had no need to know all of that drama llama. You done fucked up son. You clearly shared too much and created a crisis where it didn’t need to happen.

Too much sharing is not caring. This is uncomfortable and bad for all involved. It’s hard, though. People put you in a spiral, you are entangled in that history, triggers are real!

Let’s try a different scenario: playing it cool. You have to work and your new love goes to your favorite bar. She sees a band and thinks you will like them. She even goes as far as singing the lyrics to one of their fucking songs.

Of course one of the members of said band is someone you used to be creepily obsessed with in an unrequited way. Of course you know all the words to all of their songs, you have been a groupie, you have been more than a groupie. You used to go to sleep at night with this person’s face behind your eyes, thinking that the world would end because they didn’t love you back. Relationships were severed and things got WEIRD… but you won’t tell her that.

There was a time when you would have told that whole thing to anyone with ears. Now you remain silent. Do you tell her that the former love of your life is in that band and that their songs are all triggers and that you probably have PTSD and are lucky that you can even love again after this?

You can do it. Hold back the urge to share all the gooey unrequited love and gory nasty breakup deets. All of this happens in one moment, a moment that may seem insignificant to your significant other but definitely seemed to go on forever in your broken little mind.

You play over all the ways it can work out, bite your tongue. Don’t go into this right now, it’s a terrible sad idea that will ruin your current bliss. You will spiral back to the depths of a sad abyss where there is still hope with your old flame.

This is NOT a sign that the universe wants you to crawl back into the hell hole. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT! BE STRONG! This urge is stronger than heroin. You pause before saying simply “Yeah, I’ve heard of them”… crisis averted. Good girl.

Holding back certain details is not lying. It’s being healthy. Some things really don’t matter in the present time. Relish in your current joy. It is over for a reason. Moving on is good.

Don’t let that black cloud follow you forever. Let the sun shine in. Expel the negativity forever and focus on the beating heart that loves you back right now. Maybe in the future have a conversation about it, but it probably isn’t even necessary.

Wipe that space in your mind clean, clear the clutter, and let your wings flutter. Live life in the moment. It’s a fantastic day to be alive.

CultureSex

“You were the only one who ever understood me”… NOT TODAY SATAN!

Digital media and texting has changed the whole dating game. Why have face to face conversations when it can all be summed up in an emotionless message?

I’ve fallen into that pussy category. It’s the worst, a cop out, easier than actually dealing with the person. Communication, confrontation, and rejection are all the scariest things. Have I learned anything from past mistakes or successes?

It’s even worse when you send a drunk text. Or worse yet when you write the novel of a text and then decide you’re crazy and go to abort but accidentally press send and fuck everything up.

I have never been very good about remaining friends with past lovers. It’s not that I even have a lot of negativity towards these people, it just doesn’t work out. Life happens and there isn’t room for everyone in it.

Once you are naked-legs intwined-deepest darkest secrets intimate with another human it is very difficult to go back to just being friends in passing. I cannot level down without years of getting over it.

How do ex lovers know when you are either about to move on or at your most vulnerable? They always have the most impeccable timing ever, it must be a spider sense tingle that goes off in their brain.

I was pretty much having a mental breakdown the other day and out of the blue my longest relationship ever ex and most recent person that I needed to cut out both texted me simultaneously. It was ridiculous, a scene from a bad romantic comedy.

satanIs he contacting me because he misses me or if his relationship ended, is he feeling vulnerable, reminiscing on a time that was better, a time that he clearly fucked up and is missing. Well that ship has sailed bro. He remembers how happy I made him, how incredible the sex was, and how in comparison I was way better of a choice.

It’s been over a year since last contact, at least three years since we broke up for the final time, maybe more, time flies when you are single. He never maintained communication with me, I must have not been that important . What happened to change his mind?

Can they sense when you are about to move on? There is a feeling of power that one has when they deny someone the upper hand? When you finally give up on the situation and move on to greener pastures its like they get a notice. Something inside them feels the grip loosen, the power is gone.

This has happened before, we had broken up, it was months later, he texted me out of the blue, I ended up over at his house, and of course we slept together. He went to work the next day and I was still asleep. When I woke up I noticed that the portrait I did of him was missing, I saw it leaning in is closet.

How appropriate, my heart and soul resting in his closet, when I paint someone that means I love them, I took it from its frame and wrote him a letter (aka the original text message) he will probably never read on the back and popped it back in the frame and put it back in the closet, it was very dramatic.

It basically said that this was not meant to be and that someday he will be with someone else, find this, and remember how amazing I was. He was the one who broke up with me for being unnaturally happy, like a cartoon character he said. I had no business falling for such a broken man, so flawed and addicted, yet so beautiful, so much like me, so different, smart, an incredible musician (I used to make art while he recorded his music), and a lover like no other. We first met at my art opening seven years ago, I was in my prime.
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His ice breaker text was an inside joke. I said it once to someone I used to love, him. I’ve moved on. You had your chance. I have been single for several years now, I haven’t depended on anyone but myself for happiness. That last thing I need right now is to digress. Is this a test?

Maybe its Valentines Day? The worst holiday ever, where single folks are meant to feel crappy and those in relationships are expected to buy in.

I don’t want to fall for him again and go back to square one. Familiar doesn’t mean safe, fucking an ex may not be a new notch in the post but it still counts, there are always ramifications.

I answered him with something generic, made him wait for it too. A simple hope you are well. Sometimes there is just not enough time or space to get over the pain someone has put you through. Forgiveness must be earned.

I have a hard time with moving on, especially when I really want someone. I fall hard. He haunted my dreams and caused so much creative thought in me. I need to travel the world to find myself and new inspirations. I can’t just keep beating these dead horses.

It kills me to not be friends with him, with any of them, but I can’t. I always want more, it’s a terrible ache, an unjust lust. I need to say goodbye for now, farewell.