Don’t panic. No, actually, its ok to panic!
There are a few moments in life that are completely mortifying. This is one of them if you deal with it improperly. That awkward moment when your current squeeze meets yesterdays squeeze and has no fucking idea.
Of course it makes sense that people you are attracted to will be attracted to each other in some way, but come on! What are the chances? I once walked into a bar and felt like it was the fucking Twilight Zone because everyone in there was in my pants at some point in time…
Oh hey person I lost my virginity too talking to my super ex from 3 years ago and the girl I have a crush on! Oh hey girl I made out with on the pride gay train six years ago holding hands with that other human I had fireworks with last year. Maybe I’m a whore, maybe I live in a small town, but sometimes it’s uncanny.
It is even more difficult to navigate bars and parties during the holidays. People who are normally far far away come home to make your life hell. You never know who you are going to run into, or who is related to who. We all have the same circle of friends. Everyone fucks everyone or at least knew someone who fucked that person or whatever. It’s a crazy twisted web. Le sigh.
Lets just use this scenario: You are seeing someone new. You meet them for coffee and talk about where you work. He says, omg, I know someone who works there! Do you know (insert name here, we will use “Lady X” to protect the innocent)? You respond with, why YES, I know Lady X! She just so happens to be marrying my super ex, like the person I dated for a bunch of years, she ACTUALLY cheated with him while he was dating me, she fucked him while he was with me and now the are getting married, oh yea and she is pregnant with his evil demon seed, RIGHT? (heavy breathing and hair disheveled at this point)
Sips coffee like nothing happened. Strange kind of serial killer smile on your face. Eye is twitching.
“Ummmmmmmm, yea,” is all they say in response to your manic tantrum. She was like a friend of a friend he knew in high school, hasn’t seen her in years, and definitely had no need to know all of that drama llama. You done fucked up son. You clearly shared too much and created a crisis where it didn’t need to happen.
Too much sharing is not caring. This is uncomfortable and bad for all involved. It’s hard, though. People put you in a spiral, you are entangled in that history, triggers are real!
Let’s try a different scenario: playing it cool. You have to work and your new love goes to your favorite bar. She sees a band and thinks you will like them. She even goes as far as singing the lyrics to one of their fucking songs.
Of course one of the members of said band is someone you used to be creepily obsessed with in an unrequited way. Of course you know all the words to all of their songs, you have been a groupie, you have been more than a groupie. You used to go to sleep at night with this person’s face behind your eyes, thinking that the world would end because they didn’t love you back. Relationships were severed and things got WEIRD… but you won’t tell her that.
There was a time when you would have told that whole thing to anyone with ears. Now you remain silent. Do you tell her that the former love of your life is in that band and that their songs are all triggers and that you probably have PTSD and are lucky that you can even love again after this?
You can do it. Hold back the urge to share all the gooey unrequited love and gory nasty breakup deets. All of this happens in one moment, a moment that may seem insignificant to your significant other but definitely seemed to go on forever in your broken little mind.
You play over all the ways it can work out, bite your tongue. Don’t go into this right now, it’s a terrible sad idea that will ruin your current bliss. You will spiral back to the depths of a sad abyss where there is still hope with your old flame.
This is NOT a sign that the universe wants you to crawl back into the hell hole. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT! BE STRONG! This urge is stronger than heroin. You pause before saying simply “Yeah, I’ve heard of them”… crisis averted. Good girl.
Holding back certain details is not lying. It’s being healthy. Some things really don’t matter in the present time. Relish in your current joy. It is over for a reason. Moving on is good.
Don’t let that black cloud follow you forever. Let the sun shine in. Expel the negativity forever and focus on the beating heart that loves you back right now. Maybe in the future have a conversation about it, but it probably isn’t even necessary.
Wipe that space in your mind clean, clear the clutter, and let your wings flutter. Live life in the moment. It’s a fantastic day to be alive.