If there’s one thing people say about me, it’s probably “he’s a real dirtbag.” If there’s two things, it’d probably be that and something about owing them some money for drugs, or some drugs for money. And if there are three things people said about me, it would be those two and that I’m a dead man for sleeping with their girlfriend/sister/favourite member of Wilson Phillips.

Okay, so if there were, like, seven or eight things people say about me, one of them would be “he sure looks really good all the time. How does he do it?”

Well, as you’ve probably guessed already because otherwise this would be a really short article, I’m going to tell you. Tell you as much as I can, obviously. I mean, a lot of what’s going on up in here that gets the ladies damp and misty is genetics, and I can’t teach you genetics. Who am I, Gregor Mendel? That guy looked like a pile of crap. No one this good looking becomes a scientist. No, if you weren’t lucky enough to be born in a line of statuesque genetic lotto-winners with a marble-hewn dick, then you’ll need to dress yourself up a bit if you want to be less glaringly offensive to the eyes of those around you.

You’ve got to be in shape, first of all. And not just any shape, like a bee or a steamroller, a good shape. Like the shape of a human who’s physically fit. The easiest way to do this is to go to the gym regularly or get a job where you’re active, instead of just sitting at a desk all day, like a mail carrier or a piano mover or a mugger.

And eat properly, too. They say you are what you eat, so if you eat nothing but burgers and tacos all the time you’ll be a big sack of greasy meat. But if you eat a lot of salmon you’ll be flaky and people will choke on your tiny bones. The best way to judge your physical appearance (and you should be judging yourself, all the time) is to look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly if you’d have sex with you. Y’know, like, if you didn’t have to have sex with you because no one else will.

Almost as important as the shape you’re in is the clothes you wear. In fact, it can sometimes be more important. You could be lithe and rippling with muscle as a California jaguar on the South Beach Diet, but if you dress like Ed Hardy shit on you through Kanye’s slotted glasses you ain’t even making your mom’s best dressed list. It’s a good play to avoid current trends altogether, because often they’re just terrible fads and in a year or so you’ll see some old photos of yourself at a party on Facebook and wonder how you didn’t get beat up more times than you did.

It’s best to stick to keep it simple and stick to classic looks. Wear clothes that fit you well, dress in layers, rub your entire body with farm fresh, unsalted butter before getting dressed for smooth, slick mobility and that irresistible scent of Ma’s home-cooked cornbread wafting from your sweaty junk.

You don’t need to shell out a small fortune on designer brands, either. Thrift stores are a great place to find classy and unique clothes for cheap, or if you want to delve a little bit deeper, try yard sales. If you’re really ambitious, keep an eye on the obituaries every day and if you don’t have any qualms about breaking and entering or late-night digging you can get some real nice suits for free.

Piercings and tattoos should be kept minimal and tasteful. If you’ve got a tattoo of a band, any band, have it removed. Along with yourself. Into exile, away from human society. Tattoo sleeves are often mistakenly thought to signify that you’re tough and alternative, but really just signify that you make terrible decisions.

Finally, though no less important, is grooming. You’ve got the body, you’ve got the clothes, but you’re going to look no better than a filthy drunken Irishman if you’re not kept kempt. Keep your hair a reasonable length, whether it’s head, face or crotch. Snake oil or fish oil or really any oil from an animal with scales is great for keeping your hair thick and gives it a sleazy sheen that insects and trollops can’t resist.

Brush and floss your teeth at least twice a day, and really do a good go of it. If your mouth isn’t bleeding pretty profusely by the time you’re done, you’re not doing a thorough enough job. Mouthwash is tacky and leaves your breath smelling off-puttingly clinical, so I suggest a glass or two of white wine. It’s refreshing, and it gives your breath a charming bouquet. Don’t use red wine, it’ll stain your teeth and lips, and you’ve got enough red stains to worry about with all that blood.

Other than that, it’s pretty common sense. Make sure to shower at least once a week, keep your finger and toe nails as sharp as you can, and try to fit in at least four hours a week of anus strengthening exercise. And don’t forget to always wear your diaper. No matter how well you keep yourself and how well you dress and how strong your anus is, we all have accidents sometimes. And nobody looks good when shit happens.


Photo by paul goyette via Flickr