I was once told that I did not give adequate blow jobs. This infuriated me, just the fact that I am putting your dirty little pee hole in my mouth at all should be enough right? He then proceeded to show me some porn videos that he liked as tips. I remember studying the technique, how they ran their fingers down the shaft, keeping pressure on the base, not just focusing on one part but all of it. All of these movies have the same ending, a girl covered in mangasm. Gross.

My blow job skills are subjective, another dude I hooked up with told me I was the best he ever had (but maybe he tells that to everyone) and he still fantasizes about me. The best art is getting it over my pretty-little-innocent-porcelin- face. Right? Thats like the goal isn’t it? Gross!

People get really turned on by my phone sex operator voice and lush red laquored mouth. Im not always total freak in bed, she exists only lost in a fleeting moment or lost in love. Let go and be crazy. I don’t know if I have ever really had an orgasm or been in love. Or if I had then it didn’t change my life like a fairytale.

The way people write about and describe orgasms and love I would think that you would know if you had it. I just don’t. I have such high expectations for things that sometimes its impossible for all of them to come true.

It’s the same with my shows and art, but with those things it is almost easier because it is so on a stage and public. I can have flaws and they are celebrated. People enjoy the fact that I am funny and imperfect, they can relate to me. Fake it till you make it.

I can never complain about lack of sex l, I know I can get it whenever I want, its just a matter of wanting. I yearn for substance, not talking money or stuff, but compatibility in ways that nobody else understands.

My problem with relationships is that I always move too fast, and I am not immediately good at things. I need to practice being with this person, learn what they like, what makes them purr. That can’t happen in one night.

It is possible to have instant attraction, electric turn on lust rush. That’s what songs are written about, but every time that has happened to me it was fueled by an alcohol/ drug/ vacation induced confidence.

I was the most charming woman ever. They didn’t see my flaws yet, they saw what I wanted to show them, they never knew about my dandruff or wonky toenails. I know what to cover up and what to expose to make me seem perfect and sexy.
starfish sex

Am I a starfish? Do I just sit there and let them take me? I don’t think so… I enjoy switching it up. I wonder when people decide not to become repeat offenders? Now unfuckable?

I wish the end of every relationship or even one night stand could have a proper autopsy. I would like to learn about what went so wrong and know how to get better. Having bad sex is the absolute worst, you should never be sitting there waiting for it to end, that means you are doing it wrong.

I need to feel invited to join in. I was recently in a situation where three people started having sex in the same bed as me. For some reason I did not really participate, I didn’t leave either. I just watched, front row seat. Studied the way they touched each other, listened to the noises, basically being a real creep.

For some reason I just didn’t feel compelled to join in, they were all incredibly attractive humans doing hot stuff to each other, it was like live action porn, what is wrong with me? I am thrust into opportunities that I need to grab on to. I needed to just lick some nipples, kiss some lips, and caress.

I think about the moments that I let pass by. Moments where I wanted someone but didn’t tell them. Fear kept me planted. It rooted me as a bystander in my own reality. I wonder if it’s a defense mechanism. I suck at making the move and therefore should not go after people who are just like me.

It doesn’t make sense to me when I find someone who is perfect, really gets me and makes me laugh. This person keeps on living, going on just fine without me there, eating, pooping, and creating art with someone else.

Everyone I have thought I loved thus far has been or become unrequited. What does she have that I don’t? Is her pussy tighter, skin softer, sounds sexier? Do you tie her up? Does she peg? Do her nipples squirt whiskey? I don’t get it.

I am the most amazing woman that nobody wants. I wish I could be more open about getting what I desire in this world. The problem is that I need to explore myself to find out what I like and don’t like. Being lousy at sex is due to poor communication and lack of confidence.

berriesJust because I didn’t end up being what all my ex lovers want doesn’t mean I am at all undesirable to someone I haven’t even met yet. Sex is more than just mating or getting off, its emotional, all encompassing. I have been with people who were ravenous for my body. Throw me up against the wall or down on the bed, then to the curb.

I don’t ever want to be owned.  Life is beautiful. I am sick of wasting time wanting the unattainable. I want to be able to love someone and be confident in that but still have freedom to access the world’s fruit. Who cares if I suck at sex? Practice makes perfect right.


It is naïve to think that sex education class is the only way kids are learning about sex. I remember the first time I found a PlayBoy magazine, It was the August 1992 edition and I found it in around 1997. Flipping through the pages of fake breasts and tans, hairless pre-pubescent looking vaginas and early photoshopped perfection, I was not impressed. I had also seen some crazy 80s porn with huge bush at my best friend’s house. It was nothing compared to the dirty, filthy, slutty things I made my Barbies do. Sex slaves, lesbian 69 action, and so much more. My best friend and I were sick and twisted kids to say the least.

It was when I found a Hustler, maybe a year later in a different spot, that made me go: JACKPOT! The art of tasteful bush and PENETRATION! greased up bodies with strange lighting and snakes and all the accoutrements needed to make my libido realize it existed. The peen was in the vageen. Aye carumba! My heart raced a million miles an hour. This was the magazine that would live between my mattress and box spring for eternity.

Me and Tiffany, my sick and twisted BFF right around the age we discovered porn.


Technology survives based on how well it adapts to porn. Early photos and paintings were all porn. Irving Klaws made tons of money sending smut (Betty Page and early bondage) to businessmen. You bet that the first films ever made were based on sex. People like watching other people fuck, it’s a proven fact. VHS survived over Betamax because of porn. The Internet (which spell check now makes me capitalize, didn’t realize the “internet” was a person) is built on porn. I remember using my AOL dial up in the middle of the night to attempt to watch porn, it was so much better than the fuzzy Skin-o Max softcore movies (like Bleu Nuit with worse picture for my Montreal readers) but still a challenge. HBO’s Real Sex also changed my life. I will never ever forget the Pony Play episode! Or watching the lonely women take turns having sex with a realistic sex doll. It was funny to watch them hoist him into a rolling computer chair to move him into the other room. I just recently acquired the VHS version of these shows and am excited to take a walk down memory lane.

I guess what I am getting at here is some of the most influential reading and viewing material on my youth was in fact pornography. It was taboo, it was slightly scary, and it was everything I wanted. The mind of a child is growing and learning so rapidly. I can’t imagine how connected to porn kids are these days. It’s everywhere. Every ad is explicit. Kids, this Generation XXX as it were, have tablets and phones that are smarter than their parents. I get sick thinking about these same kids and selfies gone wrong.

Much of my art (both on the stage and visual) deals with the exploitation and exploration of the human body. During the 2014 Montreal and Buffalo Infringement Festivals I displayed my series of mixed media collages called “Kitty Porn.” Kitty porn is exactly what it sounds like, I took a hardcore porn magazine and a Cat Fancy magazine and collaged the cat heads on to the porn bodies. The outcome is hilarious. It is a comment on the two most exploited and shared things on the INTERNET (I am going to capitalize ALL of the letters now just to prove a point): Cats and Porn. Porn and Cats, and Cats and Porn. I soon realized that the cats in the magazines were making the same strained faces as the barely legal women in the porn magazines. It was an alarming epiphany.

“Kitty Porn”


I was almost late to work today because of porn – it is so easy when you can just pull it up on your phone reaaaally quick. Access to all of the nastiest fetishes are at the click of a button. Hardcore Bisexual Strapon Femdom MMFF BBW DP ATM BDSM Cosplay porn would probably be my flavor of choice. Some good old fashion Gay Barback Twink and Bear orgies are also pretty hot – you can’t fake a giant cock in the ass. The moans and groans that can shatter glass bursting through your speakers. Don’t even get me started on furries. I often thought about doing feeder web cam porn, just letting people watch me eat stuff while they jerk off in the privacy of their own home or office.

I really enjoy the terrible plot lines of early porn flicks – Think “Log Jammin’” from The Big Lebowski. At least they were trying to make it interesting, LOL. We have gone a long way from the “Deep Throat” and “Debbie Does Dallas” days of pornography. Smut has to be wild and crazy. Nobody cares about doggie style, regular old “hardcore” is passat, girl on girl? Ha! so 1992. People want pain. They want cum shot compilations. They want gang bangs. They want it now, and fast, and again, again, and harder next time, more pain, more stretching and gaping, and younger, bigger, smaller, louder, sweeter, more covered in cum, humiliated and even more barely legal than before. It’s exhausting.

That’s why I like classic burlesque, leaves a little to the imagination. Old pinups are lovelier than any current porn star, or stripper straddling a beer bottle. Labioplasty should not be a thing. Young women should not be so destroyed from rough sex that they need reconstructive surgery. There is something to be said for innocence and intrigue. Innocence has been stripped from the youth for years, and its only getting worse. We need to bring back positive and safe displays of sexuality. Girls should never have to think that they need to do filthy porno things to be happy. We need to empower the youth and show them that sex is beautiful, kink can be healthy, consent is everything, and there is no one type of sex.