Holidays

ArtsFilmStage

I’m currently procrastinating most things into 2023, but there’s always space in the calendar for parties, burlesque, self care, and documentaries!

It’s pretty cool (and scary) stuff

Worlds of Ice is a film by Philippe Baylaucq, produced by the National Film Board of Canada in collaboration with the Planétarium Rio Tinto Alcan. It’s a 360°, 35 minute immersion into exactly what it says it is: the power and fragility of ice. It was created with the intention of putting ice at the forefront of our environmental thoughts, and is intentionally being run at the same time as COP15.

Worlds of Ice runs until February 27 at Rio Tinto Alcan Planetarium, 4801 Pierre-de Coubertin Ave. For showtimes and tickets, please visit the planetarium’s website

Curves & Comedic Timing

While you stuff those stockings and fa all your las, Candyass Cabaret presents A(nother) Covid Christmas Special Xmas Show to really jingle your bells.

With the MC stylings of Monica Hamburg and Jimmy Phule, plus a lineup of talent including Velma Candyass herself, it’s the perfect salve for the seasonal blues. They’re promising “wacky contests with mediocre prizes”, which I love. Bet you end up horny and laughing at the same time.

MCs Monica Hamburg and Jimmy Phule (via Candyass Cabaret on Facebook)

Xmas Show Candyass Cabaret is at Café Cleopatra, 1230 boul Saint-Laurent, 2nd floor, on Friday, December 16, 9 pm all the deets are on the Facebook Event Page

‘Cuz classy’s overrated

This Wednesday Andrew Jamieson presents A Sleazy Christmas. It’s a multidisciplinary performance event, and a fundraiser for Ever After: The Revival!, but mostly it’ll be a helluva good time. The line-up’s got comedy, spoken word, burlesque, and music.

The party’s got a cash raffle with multiple prizes, plus karaoke after the show! I’ll be schmoozing and hawking raffle tickets for the aforementioned artsy cause and fab winnings, so blow off your office party and come say hi.

A Sleazy Christmas Party is at Le Basement, 3716 Rue Notre-Dame Ouest in the basement on Wednesday, December 21, 9pm. Info and tickets available through Eventbrite

We’re all broke & stressed, happy effin holidays

At a time when debt is soaring, the gifts aren’t even all bought yet, and you’re about to sit down with the family you intentionally avoid for 364 days a year, stress is high. Therapy’s too expensive and spa days are way out of the question, but I came across this free meditation class so maybe we can all chillax.

I’ve never heard of Sahaja Yoga, but they offer free events both locally and on zoom. There are loads of times and dates, and they have a sizable online community, though their online presence is a bit scattered. I haven’t tried it yet, but this is now on my to do list. Namaste.

Find out about and book the free online and in-person meditation

Featured Image from Worlds of Ice (NFB)

If you know of an event that you feel should be covered, please contact arts@forgetthebox.net or music@forgetthebox.net

No promises but we’ll do our best

AdviceCultureHealthNewsOpinion

The COVID-19 pandemic is still very much upon us, and with the Omicron variant spreading like wildfire, I think we can all agree that the Christmas holidays are going to suck this year. That said, no one wants to make things worse by getting slapped with a fine for violating public health rules, or thrown in jail for crimes that are painfully common during the season.

As per what’s become a bit of a Forget the Box holiday tradition, I’m here to help. This article is going to give a crash course on the new Quebec COVID-19 rules in effect as of today, as well as other tips for getting through the holidays in one piece. I’m not a doctor, or a psychologist, I’m just a law school grad who likes to research and help others.

First, let’s talk about the Omicron variant and why it’s driving case numbers up. It is a COVID-19 variant discovered in late November 2021. While research on the variant is ongoing, one thing is clear: it’s spreading fast, and is likely to overtake the Delta variant in the 89 countries it has been detected in, Canada-included.

The numbers in Quebec have gone from less than five hundred cases a day to nearly four thousand a day because of Omicron, and as a result the provincial government has imposed new health measures that started yesterday. Here’s a quick summary (the complete English version of the new rules is available for download on the Quebec government’s website):

As of yesterday, December 20, 2021, at 5pm, primary and secondary schools are closed until January 10, 2022 when in-person schooling is expected to resume for primary school students. Secondary schoolers will be doing remote learning when classes resume. Bars, taverns, gyms, movie theatres, spas and concert venues are closed until further notice. Restaurants are only allowed to operate at 50% capacity and limit their hours from 5 am to 10 pm.

As of when this is being written, religious services must operate at 50% capacity, attendees must remain seated and vaccine passports are required. Weddings and funerals can take place with a maximum of 50 people. For funerals those 50 can be on a rolling basis, meaning once 50 people have paid their respects, another 50 can replace them. If the wedding or funeral does not require a vaccine passport of its attendees, the maximum number allowed drops to 25 people.

For gatherings in private homes, be they with family or chosen family, the current legal limit is ten people, but the government said that may change. If the gathering is outdoors, that number increases to 20 people, but the cold weather will likely deter the latter.

Working from home is now required of all non-essential workers including civil servants. Failure to obey these rules can result in massive fines, and maybe even encounters with the police like the ones that went viral last holiday season.

The non-mandatory recommendations by the government include avoiding social contact. This can be especially hard on one’s mental health, as people always feel lonelier over the holidays when ads are promoting the merits of togetherness.

Try keeping the TV or Youtube or a podcast on to break the painful silence, and take the isolation as an opportunity to brush up on a skill, learn a new one, or take up a new solo hobby. Do not hesitate to seek help if you feel yourself slipping under the strain of new rules and the fear of getting sick, despite your attempts to cope.

Seeking help takes immense courage and you’re not weak if you do so. If you’re in a mental health crisis Call 811 and press two to speak to a social worker who can direct you to mental health services in your area or text 686868 to chat anonymously with a crisis worker for free 24/7.

As of today, rapid tests will be available free every 30 days in certain pharmacies throughout Quebec. In order to adhere to government rules regarding the lowered capacity of stores and other businesses, some chains like Jean Coutu are offering the rapid testing kits only by appointment.

One testing kit is good for up to five tests, and you should absolutely get one. The test is sensitive enough to pick up the infection marker of the virus even if you’re asymptomatic, so taking one right before a holiday gathering might be a good idea, but there’s a shortage of tests so use yours wisely.

Don’t bother with mistletoe this year; given the pandemic, that kind of random kissing is just silly.

When it comes to alcohol and cannabis, the chemicals that make family gatherings tolerable for so many, remember that driving while under the influence is a criminal offense that can result in fines and jail time. If intoxicated, crash with your host, accept a lift home, have someone call a taxi or an Uber for you, but if you’re female or female presenting, it is ill advised to ride the latter two alone, given the history of drivers taking advantage of women under the influence.

Last but not least, let’s talk about fireworks. They’re popular to set off on New Year’s Eve, but they are also extremely dangerous. Asian language news channels seldom censor the consequences of mismanaged fireworks, which show footage of protruding hand bones and fingers blown off.

In Montreal, fireworks must be handled by someone over the age of 18, and it is illegal to hold fireworks once the fuse is lit. It is also illegal to set off fireworks in windy conditions or in a location where they’ll fly over an audience; for more information check out of the City of Montreal’s website.

The holidays are once again being ruined by the pandemic, but with a few precautions, we can perhaps make them a little less awful. Stay safe, stay sane, wear a mask, and get vaccinated.

Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noël, Feliz Navidad, and Maligayang Pasko!

Featured Image by Joe Buckingham via WikiMedia Commons

News

Quebec’s Red Zone restrictions, which currently cover Montreal and most of the province, will remain in effect until January 11th.

In a press conference today, Premier François Legault announced that his government is scrapping plans to allow gatherings of up to 10 people between December 24th and 27th. Originally proposed two weeks ago (and scheduled to run from the 21st to the 27th), this temporary reprieve of COVID-19 restrictions was coupled with a “moral contract” for those gathering to self-isolate for the week before and after the holidays.

Legault cited a rise in COVID-19 hospitalizations as the reason for backtracking on the earlier plan. Hospitalizations have risen to over 700, with 1500 daily cases on Wednesday and 1400 on Thursday.

“If we continue in this direction,” he said, “hospitals will start to overflow. We have a limited number of nurses, and our nurses are very tired.”

Under the current Red Zone rules, people who live alone are allowed one guest.

While police will continue to issue fines, Legault says he is relying on people’s “sense of responsibility” to ensure that the rules are respected.

AdviceCultureLaw

It’s the holidays and that means food, family, and tons more ways to get into trouble. I’m here to help.

This article is going to be a guide on how to get through the holidays with the least amount of damage to your life, property, and freedom. For the purposes of this article, the laws mentioned will pertain primarily to Montreal. Check online for your city’s particular rules and regulations.

Let’s start with fires

Between cooking accidents, overloaded sockets, and highly flammable wrapping paper, the risk of fires is higher around the holiday season. There is also the matter of fireplaces, which I will tackle first.

In the City of Montreal it is no longer legal to use fireplaces and other solid-fuel-burning devices. Those who wanted to keep using their fireplaces had until October 1, 2018 to have them modified to conform to certain environmental standards. Those who have not and still use their fireplaces in the City face stiff fines.

Now let’s tackle the kinds of fires that could happen and what to do about them. It should go without saying that you should keep your smoke alarms on and with fresh batteries. It should also go without saying that if a fire is particularly large you’re better off calling 911. If it’s something you think you can handle, here’s how.

Grease fire

This is the kind of fire that generally happens on the stove when oil gets too hot. The quickest and best way to put out such a fire is to smother it. That means covering the pot or pan with a lid or other pot big enough to cut off the fire’s oxygen supply, making it die out.

Electrical fire

Electrical fires are common during the holidays due to overloaded sockets and powerbars. If there’s an electrical fire, turn off the device and unplug it, then smother the fire with a blanket or use a Type C fire extinguisher.

DO NOT USE WATER TO PUT OUT GREASE OR ELECTRICAL FIRES. Water conducts electricity, thus putting you at risk of an electrical shock. Using water to put out a grease fire can cause the oil to splash, thus spreading the fire.

When to use water?

Trash fires.

If it’s your Christmas tree that caught fire, determine the nature of the fire and go from there. The bigger the fire, the better off you are calling 911.

Once the fire is out, open as many windows as you can to get the smoke out and turn on a fan to help it along if you have one.

Now let’s talk about alcohol

Family time will undoubtedly lead to an increase in alcohol consumption so to reduce the risk of deaths on the road, we need to talk about Canada’s drunk driving laws.

As it stands the legal blood alcohol limit is eighty milligrams of alcohol in every hundred milliliters of blood. Driving with a blood alcohol level over this limit is a criminal offence.

The government recently updated its drunk driving laws and they are now stricter than ever.

Under the new law the police can demand a breathalyzer test from anyone they pull over (the fact that this will likely exacerbate racial profiling by the police is another can of worms altogether). Those who refuse to take the breathalyzer test can be charged with impaired driving.

In addition, the Bolus defense – a defense by which you can raise a reasonable doubt as to whether you were driving impaired by arguing that you had just consumed the alcohol and therefore had not absorbed it enough to be impaired – is no longer a viable defense in drunk driving cases.

Refusing to take a breathalyzer test comes with a fine of two thousand dollars for a first offense. A first offense for driving over the legal limit comes with fines ranging from a thousand to twenty-five hundred dollars depending on how high your blood alcohol concentration was above the legal limit. Subsequent offenses lead to automatic jail time.

That said, drink responsibly. If you’re drunk, sleep at a friend’s house, get a lift, or take a taxi or Uber. If you insist on going home that night, call Operation Red Nose at 514-256-2510. They’ll send a volunteer to drive you home. If you’re a woman, best to take a cab or Uber with someone you know given the risk of sexual assaults by drivers and how little the police have taken them seriously in the past.

Speaking of sexual assault…

It’s time to talk about consent

Between the booze, the Mistletoe, and New Year’s Eve, the risk of sexual assault is high, so here’s a reminder of how consent works – though I find it utterly tragic that I need to keep issuing these reminders.

Consent is defined as the voluntary agreement to engage in the sexual activity in question.

Consent can be withdrawn at any time. That means that if – for example – your partner wants to stop and you keep going regardless, the sexual encounter is no longer consensual and becomes sexual assault.

There is no consent if the person is too young, too drunk, or unconscious. If the person is consenting to something drunk that they wouldn’t have consented to sober, they are probably in no position to consent. If you have any doubts, DON’T do it.

You’re not only fucking someone over physically and psychologically, you risk bringing in the New Year with a charge of sexual assault.

Last but not least, if you feel compelled to use fireworks on New Year’s Eve, do so responsibly. Every New Year’s Day reports storm in of people blowing their fingers off and setting fires because they didn’t know how to use the pyrotechnics they bought for the occasion. Check your city’s by-laws on fireworks use, read and follow the instructions on all the fireworks you buy, and don’t light anything while impaired.

Happy Holidays Everyone! Play Safe!

* Featured Image by Joe Buckingham via WikiMedia Commons

AdviceCulture

It’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year. The lights are flashing, the Christmas trees are up and everyone is generally in a great spirit.

Most of us reflect with family and friends about how grateful we are that we have them in our lives. We sing Christmas Carols, drink Eggnog and have a big feast.

However, there something no one wants to talk about that also happens during the holidays. It’s the Christmas Blues.

A lot of people struggle with deep depression and anxiety during this time of year. Whether it’s the stress of Christmas shopping or the sadness of not having loved ones around, Christmas time can be stressful and, sadly, depressing for many people.

So why are people so depressed at Christmas? Well, the answer is there is no straight answer. For some people it can be a mood disorder brought on by the changing seasons, for others, it’s the pressures of financial hardship and expectations that are brought on by the holidays.

Seasonal depression is a very real disorder. In fact, there is a name for it: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). This can be so serious that it can cripple people’s quality of life. Some spend long hours in bed, overeat and have other serious symptoms.

However, if you or someone you know suffers from this, there are a number of treatments that can help overcome this depression, such as artificial exposure to sunlight, counselling with a psychiatrist and medication.

If your depression is brought on due to financial hardship, you are not alone. Christmas is the season where consumers rack up more debt on their credit cards than any other time of the year. It’s easy to see how people can fall down the rabbit hole of debt.

It’s important to remember that it’s the thought that counts. Putting yourself in debt is not worth the long-term financial stress over one day.

If you are depressed because you can’t see your family or you’re not able to be with them for any number of reasons, try and keep your self busy by volunteering at your local food kitchens or helping others less fortunate than you. There are studies that show that keeping busy can help you get out of a potential depression.

So, this holiday season try and keep your head up and try not to let the Christmas Blues get you down. Featured image by Randi Hausken, via WikiMedia Commons

* Featured image by Randi Hausken, via WikiMedia Commons
AdviceCulture

Navigating holiday parties is tough for someone with poor impulse control such as myself. If I am told that I have three hours open bar I will take advantage of it. Three doubles and five shots later I am hugging a garbage can wondering where my beard is.

I wake up in my bed (thank god) with no bottoms, not even socks, and fully dressed on top, coat and all. Oh, there’s the beard, it was around my neck the whole time, right where it belongs. Is that lipstick or blood? God, I hope that’s red lipstick.

Nobody wants to be “that guy” at a holiday party. But that very guy is inside all of us just waiting for a few drops of alcohol to awaken his soul and activate party mode.

Drunk lesbian Santa is what makes Christmas beautiful. It’s not the children, it’s not the presents, it’s not the cheer or good will, it’s the wild and unabashed star on top of the tree that is the almost mythological drunk lesbian Santa.


I think about a lot of stuff around the holidays, missing my grandmothers, helping set up the tree. Just trying to hold it together when my family gets mad because I want to eat vegan, trying to be kind instead of combative. The holidays stress a lot of folks out. I try to deal with it by being numb and last minute.

I have not bought a single gift. Now I have like three days to shuffle around with all the last minute dads of the world to find those perfect morsels of gifts. Consumerism is crap, holidays are about celebrating and cherishing those you love right?

We have decided to throw a New Years Eve party this year instead of trying to deal with the let down of the bar scene. I want to get drunk and be safe, make sure all of my party people are safe too.

Here are 10 tips for throwing a kick ass holiday house party! Nobody wants to just be sitting around eating chips and dip listening to Bing Crosby. It’s also unrealistic to think that every house party is going to look like a scene from Animal House. You are in control of this party. The music, the food, the guests, the decorations, the venue, all of it.

  1. Invitees: The guest list is an important factor. Does everyone get along? Make sure to not be crazy like I am and accidentally get invite happy and spread your net too wide. Make sure you invite someone who can be a bouncer of sorts if things get out of control. Also invite someone who plans on being sober or mostly aware just in case there is a knock on the door from the cops or something else serious happens. Things can escalate very quickly, beware. Do you go with just the Facebook invite? Nah, invite some people in person, perhaps make a flyer or get some Lisa Frank Invitations and make people feel exclusive. Invite your neighbors so they don’t call the cops on you.
  2. Have Activities: Beer pong is always a winner, a deck of cards, or even some Cards Against Humanity. Nobody likes a boring party. These things should not be main attractions but rather backup plans. Make sure everyone is introduced. This way all of these friends of you and your roomies can come together and form new friendships. No babysitting of socially awkward friends.
  3. Hide All The Breakables: Turn your house into a kid friendly zone. Possibly cover everything in plastic like you are about to American Psycho the whole party. Put all the pets away, cats can easily escape when partygoers aren’t paying attention to the doors and dogs can be provoked by the drunks. Basically treat your animals like children, keep them safe and not afraid.
  4. Have Plenty of Room on the Dance Floor: Parties need stages. Each stage must have proper lighting for the goal. You need a dance floor (flashing lights, disco ball, fog machine optional), food and bar area well lit and accessible. And last but not least a stoner smoking den (very dimly lit) with lots of couch space and maybe some crazy triply cartoons playing in the background with no sound. Make sure the music is loud enough and on point, a mix of the classics and new cool stuff that fits the mood is necessary. Be mindful of changes in the crowd and feel of the party too so you can tweak the music to perfection. Everyone can be a DJ who has a laptop and some taste. KEEP THE MUSIC UPBEAT! Never ever let some depressing stuff pop in and be the Debbie Downer to your good vibes.
  5. No Zones: Block off all of the “no zones” so people aren’t trying to have sex in your roommates’ rooms. We are lucky that all of our bedrooms are upstairs so it is as easy as setting the bar up in front of the staircase.
    If that’s the party you are going for- orgy status that is- turn the whole place into a heart shaped mattress and make sure there are plenty of condoms around.
  6. Get a lot of Mixers: People will bring bottles of whiskey but forget the ginger ale. Equal opportunity drunk fest. BYOB means mostly bring your own booze, but with some exceptions. As a great host you should provide some libations. The more you have, consider having a donation jar or charging a small cover.
  7. Randos: Be careful of randos and underage drinking, this is very serious. If someone leaves your party and hurts someone or gets hurt, you are responsible too! Try to grab everyone’s keys, elect (and/or pay someone to be) a responsible key holder to call cabs for those who are too drunk to live but can’t spend the night. Perhaps the person who got the most fucked up at the last party and had to be babysat would be a great key holder.
  8. Food: Food selection should be diverse- something for everyone. Make sure the vegans are happy! I have gone to so many parties with just pizza and wings, the only vegan option being the celery and carrot platter, LAME.
  9. TP: Make sure you have plenty of toilet paper
  10. Clean Up: Prep for clean up. Set up trash receptacles and places to put recyclable empties to make clean up easier after the fact. Stock up breakfast food for the next day survivors (they will help you clean and you will feed them for it).

Nothing ever works out if you expect it to be perfect. Remember this is all supposed to be a fun celebration of love and debauchery. At the end of the day all of your rules and planning will go out the window, and that’s ok!

Finally, don’t be the most ratchet person at your party, everyone will remember.

AdviceCulture

I’m a painter and a shaker. I am a cat watching shadows on the wall. Turning 30 at the Rise of the Apocalypse, the lead singer of a non existent band, a legend in my own mind.

Today I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to do anything with myself. I had a literal snow day yesterday, the kind kids dream of. I could have wrote a blog or cleaned my room and did none of the above. It was a two robe kind of day, bitter diamond cutter nipple cold house shaking wind and bizarre thundersnow.

The first blog I ever wrote for Forget the Box was about the infamous Knife Storm. It cut Buffalo in half, dumping on the south and nothing where I was. My city is famous for being buried in snow.

At the time I was seeing this cute bearded artist and he go stuck on the other side of the snow wall and ended up shacking up with some girl for a week. That should have been it. Another week later he was arrested in my car with her in the passenger seat.

I have never been so pissed off. I have the worst judgement. I met him by a bonfire at a music festival.

I have never understood how to be romantic, how to pursue someone, how to play it cool but show interest. I am insane, eternally 14, clueless about so much and misinformed about the remainder.

I always seem to say the wrong things, I take it too far, push the joke waaay farther then necessary. Awkward sauce. I feel like I was a puzzle piece that was dropped on the floor and then put in the wrong box and donated to a thrift store. I never quite fit. My life is a puzzle with one piece missing.

My roommate started doing a 1000 piecer the other day. It was a winter wonderland Christmas scene. She diligently worked on it all week. Every damn piece looks the same to me, all the colors seem to blur together. It juuussst doesn’t fit.

Puzzles have always frustrated me, but I know now that I need to learn how to be more patient and Zen when it comes to stuff like that. Do the outside and work inwards. Start with the parts that are easy. When completed it is sweet satisfaction.

At one point I started to help her and was encouraged when some things fit, the puzzle was already at like 87% completion, none of which I had helped on until this point. I quickly lost interest and just wanted to go get a drink before our favorite dive bar closed at 4am. So I took the remaining pieces and just piled them on top of the empty spaces. Exclaiming that we were done and deserved a treat, we went on to the bar to celebrate.

I stood there in the bar, a vision in my yellow dress with matching neon yellow hair. At one point there was a tall sexy man on either side of me, it was glorious. One I had kissed recently and the other was someone I have quietly crushed on for a bit (one of those people that seems so far out of my league). He swooped in and kissed me on the mouth. We danced. I felt like the queen of the ball. How could I chose between these two?

I don’t know what I want, forever confused. I used to like people because they liked me, I now know that it takes more than that to grab my attention. Feast or famine though, I ended up running into the dark cold night alone, cuddling with my sweet furry kitties, sobbing over my insecurities.

It’s hard for me to juggle the attention of multiple people. I am not used to the attention of one, let alone several. I am hesitant about polyamory.

I used to only fall for gay men, never attracted to the status quo. I love artists, musicians, writers, creative people who know how to express themselves, most likely full of internal torture just like me. I used to only desire tall men, but then shortly realized that tall guys only seemed to be into the shortest littlest girls in the world. I mean yes, it is cute to see a tiny person with a giant, and everyone is attracted to those they are attracted to, unapolegetically true, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I love humans of ALL shapes and sizes, all genders and preferences too.  I see the world differently than when I was a kid, but I am still a giant seeking love. That’s all I want.

My dad wanted to take me Christmas shopping. I could think of NO THING that I wanted, no physical thing, I am not the little brat who wants a Barbie car anymore. I don’t want electronics or diamonds. I asked for storage so I can get my room in order and art supplies.

What I really want is for people to stop being racist, I want people to stop throwing out food and start caring about the hungry, I want love to spread like fire, I want the oppression felt worldwide to end. I know I have privilege, but what can I do to use it for the good of all? Spread it out between us all. We distract ourselves with the pursuit of sex and the magic of the holidays.

I am Bah-humbugging out here! It makes me sick to think of all the greed this time of year, hoards of undereducated drones playing with cellphones and tablets. Get your hands dirty and learn about diversity.

We all look at the headlines (or lack there of) and post a sad emogi on Facebook, we do nothing to change the world. We know how many shopping days till Christmas but play dumb about Aleppo, or Standing Rock, or police taking blankets from the homeless.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter who I have kissed or what I do to pass the time, the only thing that matters is compassion and living life to its full potential. It is easy to get wrapped up in yourself. Take the time to open your eyes and focus on the world at large. Give your energy to righteous causes, fight for those who need a hand, see beauty even when some pieces are missing.

AdviceCulture

Ho Ho Ho… Celebrate your freedom!

Here are the top 10 reasons (in no particular order) why it’s better to be single during the holidaze.

10. You don’t have to choose whose family to go see on the holidays. You also do not have to deal with awkward family encounters.

9. You don’t have to buy anyone a present. You can buy something extra special for your mom, your cat, your bestie, or *gasp* yourself! No stress for buying that “perfect” gift for a significant or insignificant other. You also don’t have to pretend you like whatever thoughtless crap they bought you in return.

8. Kissing random people under the mistletoe. Get a piece yourself and use it as a conversation starter. Also bring breath mints and make sure there is no food in your teeth.

7. You can meet someone at a holiday party. I met my ex at a Christmas eve party and my life changed forever, in retrospect maybe not the best, but that relationship helped form who I am today. You really never know who you are going to meet. Be open.

6. You actually get to spend quality time catching up with the family. No weirdness trying to entertain your beau. Enjoy the friends and family you have in your life, love them, celebrate their importance in your life! I know I am blessed.

5. Take your own holiday portrait with your cats. Break out the ugly sweater and make your friends a personalized Christmas card they will never (ever) forget.

4. More champagne, wine, whiskey, and spiked nog for you! Sometimes caring (for yourself) is NOT sharing.

3. Get dressed up, FOR YOU! Everything sparkles this time of year. Light up your party fab wardrobe. Don’t ever regret the impossible rhinestone shoes. Glamour is everything, you deserve it.

2. Nobody is going to ask you when you are getting married or having babies! Bringing even a new person home can be the ultimate turn off when your drunk uncle goes off on a tangent or your mom grills away.

1. I know this may sound heartless-but hey. Lonely people around the holidays = lots of hook up opportunities. Take advantage of their sadness. It’s like Wedding Crashers when he started crashing funerals. Capitalize on those horny sad sexy people. Loneliness is amplified during the holidaze, cruising bars, holiday parties, and dating aps may bring you surprise singles bliss this holiday season.

Its getting bitter, nipple hard cold out there and the media is telling us to bundle up and pair off. We have been inundated with Christmas paraphanalia since before Halloween.

It is so shoved down our throats that I can’t take it. The idea of hearing Christmas music in October makes me want to kill.

Due to the suffocating holiday joy, I prefer to be the Bah Humbug she grinch. My shriveled, black heart still beats. I am single. I get sad like everyone else, but you can’t let it consume or cripple you with insecurities.

Even as I write this I have tears in my eyes, there are certain people I would like to decorate a tree with. But it’s ok. There is something beautiful about having no expectations. I spend most of my days off naked, making art, with my cats to keep me warm.

All I want for Christmas is for it to be over and be my birthday already. Commercially romanticized bullshit, cuddling in front of the fireplace, hand in hand ice skating. Blah blah blah, the holidays are stressful without the added pressure of making someone else happy.

I get sweaty easy and have weak ankles. Like every other hopeless romantic I start imagining all of the holiday love gone by, and honestly, it was disappointing.

I have been dumped right before holidays, and that seems like the worst, but is actually awesome because spending time with your family and not being alone is better than wallowing in your own self despair. For those of us who are terminally single, sick and tired of family questioning, why are you still single? Well, I am picky.

My standards have risen, I need more than just a mindless fuckboy. I want a person that is going to love me fully. Hopefully vegan, political, artistic, and kind.

I want a person to make me a better person, to compliment what completes me, to enrich the world with compassion and unbridled passion. Throw me up against the fridge, have me because you must, because I was the one you have been looking for.

That’s all I want. I will settle for nothing less. Why live inside of a snow globe when you can have the real thing? Why spoon someone when you can fill your spoon with a tub of vegan ice cream? You are in charge. Nobody can tell you what to wear, where to go, how much to drink, or anything because you are free.

Bake something and eat it all yourself. Make your own blanket fort to hibernate in. You can take this time to work on yourself, or be a lazy spud and go into the Netflix black hole of winter. If you want to make yourself better for you, then start right now.

Being single does not mean you are inadequate or unloveable. Sure it’s cold this time of year, go on some random dates and warm up with new conversation. Take this in stride and make 2017 the best year of your life.

You do not need a partner to justify you. You do not need a man or woman to feel happy or fulfilled. Self actualization and care is so important, it is something often overlooked when people become codependent in relationships.

New goals, brighter attitudes toward being single are needed. I know that I get sad every New Years that I don’t get a “special kiss”, does anyone? Only a very few get that fairytale romance, they might not even know they have it.

Nostalgia, sometimes for something you have never had, or maybe have only seen in movies, is a killer. You feel that warm and fuzzy sort of way, everything is “supposed” to fit. Don’t waste time on playing the game or being sad, be happy with what you have, write your own fairytale.

You are not broken, have hope, feel good, bask in the glory that is you.

CultureDating

‘Tis the seasons of breakups, everyone! Holidays are approaching, and the pressure’s on. It’s now or never, folks.

Hey – it’s never fun to be the bearer of bad news. Preparing to give the pink slip to your girlfriend or boyfriend can be a stressful thing. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Still, too often I hear of less than tactful breakups. And man, I’ve been there.

So far, my biggest heartbreak happened with a come-to-life Seth Cohen; preppy, great taste in music, and an inherent neuroticism not even Modest Mouse could sooth. We dated for less than a year, but it was serious enough. Or so I thought, until I got slapped in the face by the bitch that is unrequited love.

No doubt, being dumped sucks, no matter how it’s done. But a sprinkle of common fucking decency when parting ways is better for all parties involved. And I’m here to help.

If you want to avoid being known as an epic douche canoe for the rest of your life, here are 6 rules to follow:

Rule #1: Timing is everything.

There’s never good timing to break someone’s heart. There is, however, such a thing as ‘least worst’ timing.

Don’t put off the inevitable, but (in some cases) a day or two can make a difference for your partner. You’re about to take a massive shit on their hearts, so not letting it ricochet onto other aspects of their lives is the least you can do.

My neurotic Seth decided to do the deed right after picking me up from the library where I was studying for my exams. Sure, I got over it a few months later, but it’s a different story for my GPA. Guy could’ve waited 12 hours for my finals to be over.

Rule #2: Forget about your feelings.

One thing I observed, as I was being broken up with, was the oblivious selfishness that came from ‘the explanation.’ I got the full A to Z, a whole spiel of How, When, What, Whys. Dude kept going on and on and oh my god just shoot me now. I was dragged through the mud of his never ending justifications because he was unconsciously seeking my O.K.

Look, no one likes to feel like the bad guy. But we can’t always be the hero of every scenario. And it’s not your ex’s job to sooth your ‘I’m sowwies’.

Rule #3: Don’t trust anything they say.

If the wound is still fresh, anything from your ex’s mouth that seems remotely mature is not to be trusted. That person is a wounded animal; they’re in survival mode, for fuck’s sake! Lying, bargaining and denial are cards that will be played.

“I’m fine if we sleep together one last time!” is an obvious one.

Basically, anything that completes the sentence: “You and I can [enter any kind of continued interaction] because I’m being an adult about this” is a trap.

Yes, they will get over your lame-ass, but for now you can flatter yourself enough to know that today is not that day, so respect that (even if they can’t).

Rule #4: Don’t try to make them feel better.

Cringe-worthy breakup moments always ensue when you don’t follow this rule. If you just made someone cry, you are not the best fit to make that person feel better.

“I’m still very attracted to you.”
Read: I don’t want to marry you, but I’d still fuck you.

From the guy I thought I’d have babies with. Yo, thanks a lot.

I wanted to punch him in the throat. Maybe it would’ve helped dislodge the foot in his mouth.

Anyways, you get my drift. No matter how good it sounds in your head – don’t.

Rule #5: Don’t say you’ll stay in touch.

“Don’t worry, we’re still friends!” How the ever-loving fuck does anyone think that ever works?

Maybe you’ll be friends one day. But right now, we both know you won’t maintain the kind of consistent contact that accompanies friendship after your breakup. So don’t make empty promises. Follow-through is important; don’t do a sloppy job on both breaking up AND being friends.  It’ll just lend to more confusion in the short run.

“Don’t half-ass two things; Whole-ass one thing” – Ron Swanson

Rule #6: Acknowledge the relationship

The worst thing about someone breaking up with you is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that’s how little they’re thinking of you. (Before Sunrise. Great movie, go see it)

It’s important to at least acknowledge your shared past, especially if it was a happy one. I think it’s showing respect, if not to your ex, then to yourself. After all, you did learn a thing or two with them.

*Author’s note: I’ll give credits to Seth for at least doing this.

At the end of the day, every breakup story is unique, so feel free to add your own twist to it.

I just think that you’re already getting your way in the relationship by ending it, so giving your S.O. a dignified notice is a nice courtesy. Try to go about it gracefully.

Today, my train-wreck of a breakup is water under the bridge. Everybody has moved on. But in hindsight, it’s the way the breakup was handled, not the breakup itself, that left a bitter taste in my mouth. So Seth and I don’t stay in touch. Guess terrible last impressions can really tarnish great first ones.

Eh. Then again, I don’t know if I could’ve expected anything better coming from a 29 year old whose parents still buy his toilet paper.

Featured photo credit: woodleywonderworks , Flickr CC.

CultureSex

Maybe it’s just the egg nog talking, but this time of year sure makes me feel like snuggling up with someone beside a crackling yuletide fire. Tis the season to be naughty, especially when there are so many opportunities for indulging holiday horniness.

At the Christmas Party

The chance for office party romance is significantly higher when excessive amounts of alcohol are thrown into the mix and who doesn’t love drinking on the boss’ dime? A whopping 31% Brits fessed up to sleeping with a co-worker after the staff Christmas party, while a full half admitted they made a fool out of themselves.

Unleashed from the shackles of the workplace, these kinds of hook ups are inevitable; so if you’re going to do it, do it right. The night before the party, make a ‘yes or no’ list of all the eligible candidates. Do not bring that list to the party and do not depart from it, no matter how many glasses of champagne find their way to your lips.

No matter how tempting it may seem to spread your legs across your boss’ luscious mahogany desk, don’t do it in the office. There’s a much higher chance of getting busted (and fired faster than you can say “I Came Upon a Midnight Clear”) or having your escapades wind up on OfficePartySheananigans.com.

work christmas party hookup

At Your Parent’s House

Perhaps you’re bringing your sweetheart home for the holidays, subjecting them to a week on the lumpy pull-out couch and the tedium of trying to keep all your cousins and their respective families straight. When you do finally escape for a tender moment together, how do you make sure to keep it under wraps?

First off, do some sound tests together when your folks are out of the house. Stand in your room while you send him to theirs and make a few noises of varying decibel levels to see how far the sound travels. If the bed is too squeaky, try the floor. Make sure you have plenty of pillows on hand to muffle the squeals you just can’t hold in.

Bonus points if you sneak in a quickie under the tree when everyone else is nestled all snug in their beds. They get their vision of sugarplums and you get to let the scent of pine fulfill all your woodland winter fantasies. But be careful not to break any of the glass ornaments!

With Old Friends

Boxing Day is always, hands down, the best night out at the bar during the holidays.  You get to celebrate with everyone finally escaping from days of family and overeating. Former crushes and acquaintances you’d like to get to know better smile at you and before you know it, you’re necking in a corner like teenagers.

Hooking up in your hometown can be a liberating and fulfilling experience, especially when carried out correctly. The smaller the town, the faster the gossip travels – so watch out when hooking up with former flings or your high school best friend’s exes.

If you’re bringing them back to your place, make sure to clear all the embarrassing artifacts of your youth from your bedroom before going out. If you end up at their place, don’t overstay your welcome in the morning. We’re all a little too old for a morning walk of shame that involves slinking past someone’s parents so plan your exit route accordingly.

Picture credit: omega-level.net

 

CultureSexSubcategoriesThe Morning After

I think it’s safe to say that sex toys are more popular now than ever. Shows like Sex and the City gave them mainstream culture recognition by featuring female characters talking candidly about their experiences with them. E. L. James’ wildly popular 50 Shades of Grey trilogy took it even a step further by introducing S&M into the equation. Even the recent NHL lockout was deemed partially responsible for a 15% jump in sex toy sales at an Edmonton store that peddles to couples looking to “expand their horizons”.

The sex toy industry generates upwards of $15 billion a year in sales, with nearly half of all women admitting to having used one at some point. Interestingly, married women are twice as likely to use them as their single counterparts. By 2020, UK online sex toy retailer Lovehoney estimates that sales will rise to $60 billion, matching those of our other favorite vibrating gadget, the smartphone.

“It’s not just toys but soft bondage, too. Couples everywhere are going to be sexing up Christmas and realizing that stockings are for a lot more than stuffing presents in!” joked Lovehoney co-founder Neal Slateford.

In Canada, check out large online retailers like Lovedreamer and Pink Cherry for some amazing deals an unbeatable selection. Here are some suggestions to give her the gift of pleasure this holiday season:

 

Inner Goddess Silver Balls –

When a third of your stock sells out in the first 24 hours of sales, you know you’ve got a hit. Lovehoney introduced the world’s first official 50 Shades of Grey pleasure products, with their star, the Inner Goddess Silver Balls, which secretly stimulate the G-spot with their heavy weight.

They might even make your lady “flush from the constant movement” and “needy, needy for sex”, as they did Ana Steel, the trilogy’s naïve heroine. With a combined weight of 221g and a girth of 3.75” each, they’ve been specifically designed for kegel experts who are seeking a new challenge.

Make Me Over –

There’s something to be said for the element of surprise in a sex toy. At first, this one looks like some sort of girlie flying saucer, resting in a discreet black compact. Turns out, the Make Me Over massager toy from the Bedroom Kandi line by The Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kandi Burrus, features a powerful, whisper-quiet motor that delivers 7 enticing vibration patterns. The disc shape allows for stimulation of a larger area, or it can be turned on its edge to focus on her most sensitive spots.

Best of all, it is made from body friendly silicone and charges via USB plug in the accompanying discreet compact that even features a mirror for lipstick touch-ups afterwards.

Clone-A-Willy Kit –

What started off as a company making incredibly life-like props for the film industry blossomed into the most popular take-home DIY dildo kit, Clone-A-Willy. Yes, it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like:  mix the molding powder with water, pour it into the provided tube, insert your favorite erect penis, wait a few minutes until it is set, and BAM, you’ve got a phthalate-free replica of your man’s manhood for when he’s not around. Comes in a variety of shades including hot pink, glow-in-the-dark, jet black and even edible chocolate.

 

CultureSexThe Morning After

This holiday season, give the gift of pleasure to that someone special in your life. After all, a sex toy is the gift that keeps on giving… at least until the batteries die. Lucky for you many modern toys are equipped with rechargeable batteries.

With the vast array of options, the thought of buying a pleasure object for someone else can be a bit intimidating, so here are a few fancy little fun things I whispered in Santa’s ear for myself that I imagine would also intrigue any foxy adventures females out there.

If she’s a moody missus in the morning

My favorite thing about sleepovers is I’m often lucky enough to be roused in the most arousing way possible with pleasure!A few orgasms before breakfast is enough to put me in a good mood, at least until I have my face squished into someone smelly armpit on the cramped bus ride to work.

And now you can start the day off right with the Little Rooster, a tiny vibrating alarm clock that wakes you with sensual pleasure. Banish the blaring beep from your morning routine and replace it with one of the thirty different settings this toy has to offer.

The Little Rooster is designed to fit the curve of a woman’s pubic mound. It features a wide flat head about the thickness of an iPhone and a vibrating leg that is designed to stimulate the clitoris and labia. It slips easily inside your underwear, gently clamping on your pubic bone with no part worn internally.

It is composed of phthalate-free materials and comes with a no questions asked money back guarantee for the first 30 days. Another key feature of the Little Rooster is the rechargeable battery which lasts at least two hours, or the equivalent of at least 10 hits of the snooze button.

If she’s a die-hard devotee to Team Jacob:

With all the overlap that exists out there between fantasy and erotic fiction, somehow it doesn’t surprise me that there’s a company out there making silicone werewolf dildos. But you still have to see it to believe it.

The whole family of David the Werewolf dildos

Bad Dragon can make all your dirty dungeons and dragons fantasies come true with their very unique, ultra customizable line of silicone toys. From David the Werewolf to the Tentacle to Chance the Stallion (who comes flared or unflared), the toys are all available in a variety of sizes and colour choices.

Add-ons include different levels of firmness. Say you want a very firm shaft with a more pliable head, you’ve got it, as well as an insertable cumtube. That’s right, if you want to pretend to be the big bad wolf blowing your load in little red riding hood, then it sounds like you’re going to have a very merry Christmas indeed.

If you’re a tantric twosome:

One new toy getting some of press this season is the Canadian-made We-Vibe 3. Unfortunately I have yet to try this one personally, but the idea is very intriguing. It’s a small U-shaped toy designed to be worn internally during intercourse. It features an internal vibrator to stimulate the vagina and G-spot, working in tandem with the external vibrator that tickles the clitoris. Its soft, flexible design holds the toy in place, allowing plenty of room for thrusting and shared vibrations.

The latest incarnation of the world’s most popular vibrator for couples features 40% more enjoyment power and a remote control to change between its six settings. Like its predecessors, the We-Vibe 3 is waterproof and includes a wireless charging base that provides up to two hours of play on a single charge.

The We-Vibe 3 comes in three different colors and retails for $159.

Photo credit: escforevermedia.com

NewsQuiet Mikes Mumblings

Only in America could there be a holiday weekend where the premise is to eat as much as you can only to be followed by a day where people buy as much as they can… and they call it Thanksgiving.

That’s right, Thanksgiving Day weekend, a day of mass consumption preceded by a day of mass consumerism. Thanksgiving is America’s second favorite holiday after Christmas and it’s plain to see why; it’s celebrated by eating, shopping, going into debt and watching the gladiators bleed on the gridiron; nothing could be closer to living the modern day American dream.

Thanksgiving and football aside, my real… beef is with the annual day of spending, better known as Black Friday. According to a report from ShopperTrak, American consumers spent $11.4 billion at retail stores this past Friday, it was the largest amount ever spent on the day that marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season.

Go broke appearing rich

My problem with Black Friday isn’t with people buying stuff per se; after all it’s what makes the economy move. My problem lies more with the mentality behind it. Black Friday for instance should be better known as Red Friday; individuals don’t go out into the madness and pay cash for the big screen TVs, dishwashers and computers, they use their credit cards, even worse they use the store credit cards (Sears card, Future Shop card, etc.).

By the time people pay off their purchases and the added interest with monthly installments, chances are they’d have spent more than the pre-sale cost of the item. One of the biggest problems we have today is the lack of patience, everybody has to have it now, that way of thinking is bleeding us dry and you can see it in people’s behavior at the mall.

I referenced football earlier by comparing the players to Roman Gladiators who back in the day would fight for their lives for the entertainment of others. These days, it doesn’t seem too extreme to associate gladiators to football players, nor does it seem too extreme to liken either of them to Black Friday Shoppers; the shopper being the gladiator and the gridiron/coliseum the “shopping maul”.

A woman in her thirties pepper spraying a crowd of twenty or so people just to get her hands on an Xbox, a small riot breaking out in a Wal-Mart over a $2.00 waffle maker, a few instances of police tasering shoplifters, one of which was a grandfather trying to protect his grandson from a mob of shoppers. It probably won’t be long until we see ordinary people shooting each other over a common teddy bear; where is Tickle Me Elmo when you need him?

There are a ton of crazy people out there much to my YouTube enjoyment, funny how they all shop at Wal-Mart. I’m not sure what goes through the minds of people who show a complete lack of concern for one’s fellow human beings in order to gain simple material possessions, whether it’s the horrible economy, getting that perfect Christmas gift or simply keeping up with the Joneses.

Black Friday leaves a black eye on the United States on an annual basis. Aggressive consumerism and mindless violence is the story year after year and they wonder why less fortunate countries continue to look down upon them. Perhaps it’s the two days at the end of November that are filled with gluttony and greed, better known as Thanksgiving.

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EnvironmentFood & DrunkGreen Bean Tuesdays

According to the Wicca Book of Days, the painting of hard boiled eggs was a Pagan custom associated with the Eostre, the Goddess of fertility.

Mammalian and placental mammals also go through an oestrus cycle, where hormones trigger the physiological response necessary for the rendering of new life (also referred to as the menstrual cycle). So the name has some clout. Rabbits were also symbols of fertility, thus being well placed as part of our modern practices.

Like many Pagan traditions, Easter was Christianized by the church to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ and in the Judeo tradition, the commemoration of Passover which, according to modern Jewish celebrants, is a way of saying “we made it, let’s eat!” During passover, eggs are prepared and eaten in a special way, echoing Paganism, only with the story of Moses and a rebirth for Jewish people, away from that nasty Pharaoh.

The influence of the church has diminished in the Western world, replaced by capitalist ideals. Rather than being a day to remember a famous revolutionary, we feed on backs of people living in slave-like conditions.

The sugar industry has been well documented for mistreating their employees and families. With only the corporation’s overpriced food rations available in the resident’s region, workers set out on empty stomachs to harvest sugar cane for grueling long hours in the field. There is a long history of human exploitation in the Caribbean Islands, but it continues to this day.

This human rights violation also follows poor environmental practices: clearing forest land to plant mono-crops, all for companies like Nestle who sell inexpensive products to a confused world. Jesus Christ! What has this world come to?

As people who are more consumer than citizen, the best thing we can do to help alleviate the crippling effects of an acutely chocolately event like Easter is to buy fair trade, organic chocolates for your friends and family. Put your money towards companies that actually care about the well-being of the people who work for them and who don’t run the Earth ragged with their financial pursuits.

If you have kids, use it as an opportunity to teach them about how our traditions have morphed into what they are today.