So I was at work and a young male customer was using the communal computer, totally normal right? I was minding my own business doing work, answering emails ect, and then I noticed a faint but familiar fapping sound that could not be much other than a man beating his meat. I’m vegetarian and not interested, Bro.

I instantly looked up and the sound stopped, he looked forward at the screen, no hands in site. This repeated for a little while, I couldn’t believe it. It was nearing the end of my night, I must just be tired. He couldn’t possibly be jerking off right in front of me right? Naw, no man would be that incredibly rude.

I was able to go into the office and peek through the blinds a little to see what he had up on the screen and there was nothing, only the desktop. I mean come on man, I know I am sexy, you probably have never seen a woman so beautiful and powerful as the one standing before you, BUT that is no excuse to thrash your tiny little manhood in my presence. Your fapping is NOT a pick-up line!

Just because I enjoy pickles doesn’t mean I want yours.

Would I have been less upset if he were watching porn on silent? Probably not, I would have just had the cookies as proof of his guilt. I would have been just as furious.

I wonder if this bizarre shit happens to every woman or just me? Am I more in tune, do I notice things that others don’t? Is knowing that misogyny exists like believing in ghosts? If you know they are real you will experience them.

Ghosts are real and so are shitty men. I’m not saying that all ghosts are evil or that all men are bad, its like saying that all white people are racist or all blondes are less than genius.

It is true that because some men are jerks and some white people are racist that men need to make extra effort in sensitivity and white people need to know their privilege and break the cycle of hate and misunderstanding. I am a natural blonde genius, clearly.

Stereotypes, while not a blanket, do sometimes have a basis in truth. We all just need to learn to be kind and pay attention to break the shitty stereotypes that exist and not feed into them.

Back to the wanker: I was in no way being suggestive. I was being “customer service” cordial. I love my job, it is truly magical, but just like any other service job where you deal with live breathing warm blooded human beings you will find assholes that think the rules don’t apply to them.

For the most part his crotchal region was covered by a sweatshirt on his lap, but then I saw for a tiny flicker of a moment something pink and glistening out of the corner of my eye. Like a dog’s red rocket. Again it was gone as soon as it was out.

I had no solid (or even flaccid) proof that I wasn’t insane and seeing things. If it was out for all to see I would have put on a protective rubber glove and yanked him out into the cold by it like a mom with her naughty son’s ear.

The last straw was the next morning when I went to the basement to change the laundry and he was sitting in the dark alone with a blanket covering his crotch. Again I heard familiar fapping, as if he was just waiting for someone to catch him. Gross dude, now I definitely have to wash that blanket.

There are pages of people talking about public masturbation on the internet, doing it in school, or church, ect. So many people enjoy things better when they think they might get caught. Yea sometimes I poop with the door open, but not at somebody else’s house.

Sometimes when you are horny you just gotta jerk off, it’s natural, it’s totally cool! Do not feel guilty for masturbating or watching porn. Masturbation can be a positive way to release energy, not a social stigma or deviance.

We all do it. Just do it in a private place and not at the expense of an innocent bystander. It is spacial rape and blatant disrespect, you are taking over a public place with your private matter. Do not assume that anyone else wants to see what you are doing, even if being caught is part of your kink, think before you put that on someone.

Consent is Awesome! See :)
I get off with a little help from my friends! (with their consent)

Great places to jerk off:
In your own bed!
In a rented bed!
In the bathroom! (hey some places even have glory holes)
In the shower (easiest clean up)
In the car! (when its parked somewhere remote)
In an abandoned building!
Locked in the utility closet at work.
Under a tree in the middle of the woods (like deep woods, not a park or playground, creeper)
In a shady adult movie theatre designed for that stuff with a person who is knowingly paid to mop jizz.

If the only way you can get off if by having people watch then go to a sex club! Download some hook up apps or search Craigslist personals. Fetlife is also an incredible resource for alternative sexual preferences. Surf the internet for two minutes and you will find others who are into the same fetish lifestyle you are.

Consent is so fucking cool! Involving someone who did not give you consent in your sexual game is the same as rape, remember that next time.

Whether you’re choking the chicken, spanking the monkey or flicking the bean, you’re engaging in the natural and healthy form of self-pleasure being highlighted this May with National Masturbation Month. Needless to say this makes it one of my favorite months of the year… as if I needed another reason to masturbate.

This year marks the 19th anniversary of the month-long awareness raising campaign started by San Francisco-based sex shop Good Vibrations. It began in 1995, shortly after Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders was fired from her job for stating that masturbation should be part of sexual education for adolescents. They wanted to open up a dialogue about the importance of masturbation as part of healthy sexual exploration and help end some of the stigmas about it. Almost everyone in the world masturbates, many of us on a regular basis, but no one was really talking about it in an open and shameless matter.

Historically, masturbation was a degrading act believed to cause exhaustion and weakness while depleting the body of the precious, seemingly finite resource of sperm. While science has helped to dispel that myth, masturbation is still seen in some circles as an immature substitute for so-called “real” aka partnered sex instead of a natural part of a person’s sexual life.

Using the cheeky hashtag #maywerub on social media, Good Vibrations is sharing tips and interesting facts about the importance of self-love. In the spirit of fun facts, here are some of the prime benefits of masturbation:NationalMasturbationMonth2

1 – It’s safe, incredibly fun and free!

Sexual pleasure is something that is innate in each and every one of us, and masturbation is one of the easiest and cheapest ways to indulge in this. It’s also the ultimate form of safe sex, seeing as you can’t get pregnant or catch an STI from masturbation (mutual masturbation, or masturbation with a partner is also very low risk although any time there are fluids and exposed genitals, the risk of catching something, however nominal it may be, is present)

2 – Increased sexual awareness of your own body helps with other kinds of sex

Ultimately, no one knows your body and how it likes to be touched better than you do. Watching your partner masturbate can let you in on all the little secrets and tricks of their body. Also women who reach orgasm via masturbation have been known to have an easier time letting go with a partner.

3 – Relives depression and boosts immune system

There’s nothing better than a big, crashing orgasm on particularly stressful day. The deepening contraction of the muscles and that feeling of letting go and surrendering to the waves of endorphins have been known to relieve depression. Additionally, the post orgasm release of the hormone cortisol helps to boost the immune system, keeping you healthy enough for rounds two, three and four, and so on.

4 – Reduces risk of prostate cancer

A 2003 study found the men who ejaculated frequently (five times a week) reduced their risk of prostate cancer by up to 33%. Now if only you’d had that statistic under your belt that time your mom caught you in the shower…

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”

– Woody Allen

I think we can all agree that one of the reasons masturbation is so wonderful is that it feels so good. But on Saturday May 4th you can masturbate not just for those good feelings but for a good cause as well at the Montreal Masturbate-a-Thon. This intriguing event is being co-produced by local sexologist Claire Litton and playwright and performer Cameryn Moore, currently on tour with her “hot threesome” of shows that cover everything from her experiences as a phone sex operator to the place of so-called deviant desires within contemporary society.

Since their conception a decade ago, Masturbate-a-thons have been populated across the globe by sex-positive, exhibitionist individuals looking for self-loving fun in a safe and entertaining atmosphere. The location of the Montreal event will only be revealed on the day of the event to those who have pre-registered. There will even be prizes for stamina, most consecutive orgasms and furthest ejaculation.

Their website has a full description and outline of parameters and is where you can pre-register, which is mandatory for the event.

I caught up with co-producers Moore and Litton, where they answered some of my most burning questions about the event.

FTB: Where did the idea for the Masturbate-a-Thon come from?

Masturbate-a-Thon logoCameryn Moore: The first-ever Masturbate-a-Thon was organized in 1999 San Francisco, by Open Enterprises (they run Good Vibrations, the sex-toy supplier). They and other sex-toy shops had declared May to be Masturbation Month, after the US Surgeon General got fired in 1995 for suggesting that masturbation be included in sex education. The event came along to support the month. I had heard about it happening there and in Portland and when I was talking with my friend (and co-producer) Claire Litton about sex-positive events we could do in Montreal, this seemed like a good fit.

Masturbation is such a private experience and bringing it into the public sphere like this can be a challenging notion for some people. Why participate in the Masturbate-a-Thon?

Moore: First of all, people can attend and participate in the Masturbate-a-Thon without masturbating in front of other people. There are going to be non-sexual activities happening throughout the space. There will also be a couple of private “masturbation caves” where people can retreat to play by themselves, without having the additional component of exhibitionism thrown in. And truly, exhibitionists need voyeurs! So if people just feel like coming out and watching, it’s all good. You might learn a few new moves, too! If you mean, why masturbate in the Masturbate-a-thon, well, I think there is something incredibly freeing, both for you and people witnessing it, about being a raw, true, pleasure-seeking entity in a safe, public space.

Claire Litton: Well, first and foremost, the idea of the MAT is to normalize masturbation as a facet of human sexual experience. Obviously it would usually be performed in private, by oneself, but the playful, exciting nature of participating in an event like the MAT might encourage people to celebrate masturbation in a way they hadn’t thought of before. We also hope that seeing the different bodies masturbating in different ways will encourage people to feel okay with their own body identity and masturbatory expression. It can be very individually liberating to engage in a personal, private act in a semi-public venue, especially if you feel the space is safe, which is our goal. Also, participating in the MAT allows you to have in-depth conversations with non-participants about the event, thereby normalizing discussion about masturbation and encouraging others to think of it as less transgressive, more fun.

How will you ensure the safety and security of the participants?

Moore: We will have trained volunteers on hand all night, monitoring the public spaces of the event and keeping an eye on the “masturbation caves” in particular. We will also be setting up a signal/response system for the masturbators, so that we can respond quickly to any situations that may arise. We want to create a comfortable space for all, but our security precautions are being set up primarily with the masturbators in mind.

masturbate a thon montreal

Another of your new projects, the intriguing sounding Sexploreum will be launching at the Masturbate-a-Thon. Can you give me more details about this?

Moore: The Sexploreum will ultimately be an interactive adult-sex-ed installation, set up something like exhibits at children’s museums. Exhibits in the Sexploreum will encourage visitors to engage in basic-principle exploration of the senses and the imagination to discover new exciting aspects of their own sex play and sensuality. I’m testing a few different exhibits over the next few months. The first Sexploreum exhibit, having to do with tastes and flavors, will be unveiled during the first two hours of the Masturbate-a-thon. (After that I want to jump in to the wanking!)

Tell me about the first time you flicked the bean, or share a funny masturbation story from your youth.

Moore: I do a scene in my show slut (r)evolution about jacking off under the sheets, reading from many-folded pages of The Women’s Room–the dirty bits, you know–and having to hold a flashlight, because my mom had told me to go to bed. I don’t remember a particular instance, but that was a very very common scene for me back then. The Women’s Room, Heinlein books, and The Fountainhead were my favorite jack-off titles at that age. I used carrots and cucumbers from the vegetable bin and because my family was poor and food was pretty carefully monitored, I used to scrub and scrub and scrub those vegetables and put them back when I was done. Don’t judge me. I was doing what I could with the resources at hand.

How is masturbation important to a healthy sex life, whether you’re single or coupled up?

Moore: It’s really important to know what feels good, so that you can talk about it with other people. It’s also massively important to take time out for pleasure on its own, and jacking off is great for this, for no reason other than “it feels good.” I personally don’t do this as often as I would like and I’ll be renewing my pledge to self-love this May!

Litton: On a purely practical level, it’s difficult to find out what you like and how you like it without experimenting and you may not want to or have the option of experimenting with a partner. We receive a lot of messages about how we are sort of supposed to be just Good At Sex right off the bat, jump into the sack and know what turns our cranks and how to explain it in the sexiest way possible and that is so rarely the case. Masturbation is a testing ground for all our theories about what we like, with no possible judgment from anyone else if you do something unusual or that you decide you don’t like.

Also, it promotes self-love. Again, we have such mixed messages about our genitals and our relationship with our own sexuality, having a calm, loving way to explore your body and your sexual response is a wonderful way to express your emotions and learn to love every aspect of yourself.

It’s also relaxing, physically calming, restful, feels good and can be done with little to no equipment…just your hand and a bathroom stall usually suffices!

To get yourself in the sexy spirit for weekend, check out Moore’s salacious take on the poetry slam, the Smut Slam at Mainline Theater on Wednesday May 1st. Eight to ten lucky attendees will get to share their titillating tales relating to the theme of “firsts.”

Both Moore and Litton have personal websites where you can read more about these articulate, fascinating women, their passion and projects.

To pre-register for the Montreal Masturbate-a-thon, please visit