I often feel like the creepy guy in the corner jerking off.

How did I get here? (This is not my beautiful wife, this is not my beautiful house…) Do they notice I am here? I feel different, and that sometimes socially isolates me. I oogle at the other burlesque dancers. Beauties, pure delight, smooth skin, perfect shapes and proportion. The best asses in town topped with the sweetest personalities around. They are all anybody’s definition of physical perfection. I’d eat from their shoes.

wayne and garth

I constantly feel the need to yell “I AM NOT WORTHY!” like Wayne and Garth at the feet of rockstars. In awe of my surroundings.  My life is truly blessed.


dominatrix burlesque

Look deeper, listen to them talk and laugh, spill about their own insecurities and bullshit. These people that I idolize, hold with such a high standard, are at the end of the day just normal people who poop and bleed, putting their tassels on one at a time like everyone else.

We are all humans: “beautiful” and “ugly” are relative, we all see a different monster when we look in the mirror. Everyone is so preoccupied with their own flaws that they cease to even notice yours. That is why caring about what others think of you is really stupid, we need to take care of ourselves and not give in.

sexy freaks

Wish I was faster and less depressed by others’ happiness. I am a lump covered in strange skin lesions, I am fat, I am smelly, I have hairy armpits, and an inch of roots on my bleached out hair. I am nothing like these visions of glory, I am a slob, a festering pile of yuck.


trollKnow that because we are not perfect we inspire others who are not perfect to love themselves too. It is a responsibility to show the world that no matter what you look like you have the right to be accepted and celebrated.

You too can lead a glorious existence! I remember once saying “I am a troll” out loud, and I was literally dressing up like a goon. Dumb. Why do I even care about what society likes? Life is a freakshow attraction. People like me regardless of how well I play by the rules, the art outside the lines is impactful.

Fun fact, did you know there is a thing called soaking? It is when you insert the penis into the vagina and just let it chill. It hangs out until it cums, no thrusting necessary.

That sounds pointless. Literally just getting your dick wet doesn’t sound remotely enjoyable. Its like what happens when a gay man and a lesbian try to make a baby, are we there yet? I told you we should have used a turkey baster.

I always thought it would be funny to have like 10 butch lesbians with turkey basters full of jizz squirting them all on one guy, lesbukkake anyone? Let’s turn those tables. Break down hetero-normativity in every single way. I am a squirter, so it definitely feels powerful to get to jizz on someone, I get it.

I am going to be thirty this year, dirty thirty, that means my egg timer is almost up and I should be looking for a good god fearing white man of similar or hopefully higher socioeconomic status to make mutant republican babies with and move to the suburbs where my dreams can rot in a three bedroom ranch.

I want to spend my dirty thirty with thirty of my most down ass friends covered in shit. Literal feces. It will be the dirtiest party of them all. I am already borderline incontinent, last night I drunkenly peed on my feet while trying to relieve myself in an ally.

I held a frozen burrito under my arm, being denied bathroom access at the store I took it upon myself to wash their sidewalk with a flood of golden glory. Never going to top drunkenly peeing on church steps and not getting laid because I totally didn’t wipe though. That takes the cake. Chocolate cake brown like the shit stains in my Zubaz.

animal house

I am a creep, watching women undress in front of me, feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed there. That’s how I feel when people show me affection, I can’t believe this vision of loveliness wants ME?! You sure you got the right guy?

I watch from a distance while other people get off. I have sat in my car and watched people fuck with an open window. I once sat on a roof overlooking an office building and watched a guy jerk off at 2am. Photos of his family were hung on the walls. I still wonder what kind of kinky shit he was watching. I’m sure it was the gayest scat fisting gang bang porn imaginable.


Peeping Toms and shower windows make a great pair. I was recently sitting on my friend’s porch, drinking beers, smoking some jazz cigarettes, shooting the shit, sun setting, ya know stoop life at its finest. And all of a sudden I look up and notice a frosted window on the second floor of the house next to us with a light on.

Suddenly one shadow appears, then a second. It is easy to decipher that this is a shower, they each wash off, and easier to notice that the couple started to have sex. You could see the outline of her breasts and ass, I could not see his boner shadow though, bummer. Sexy silhouette sex right in front of my peeping eyes, we were all wide eyed.

The slap heard around the world made me think they knew we were watching, if we can hear them they can also hear us. It was a short fuck, it seemed fake, like in Austin Powers when he was making shadow scenes look dirty. I kept feeling like I was going to get Punk’d.

I like this channel.

The number of the day is two.

I consider myself an open person. I have nothing to hide. I thoroughly enjoy peeing with the door open! It’s freeing. It’s a wonderful feeling of intimacy.

For some people it’s a big deal to pee in front of a partner, like some next level shit. Not me! I’ll pop a squat almost anywhere in front of almost anyone.

Like a drunk guy peeing on a dumpster after a college football game, I give zero fucks. Hell, I will fall in love with the person who lights the bong for me while I’m taking a poop.

I once discretely pooped in a lake while fishing with my dad. Several moments later a family in a paddle boat churned right through it. That was fun. Gotta love nature though. Rules are different out there.

At home I don’t know many, even open people, who poop with the door open or with a roommate or lover in the shower. Oooo that noxious smell! The plopping and splashing! TMI alert! It’s just bad etiquette, bro, unless you are fucking the person or extremely open and comfortable. Normally it’s mellow with the yellow and not down with the brown.


I mean sometimes desperate situations call for desperate measures. In that case proper poop etiquette is not an option. Shit happens. Hey, everybody poops. Pooping in the stall next to someone is not quite reinacting Two Girls One Cup.

I’ve gotten explosive diarrhea at a wedding (that I was a total date too, so nobody knew me). It was a small venue. I was doin’ my thaang in the bathroom. Really enjoying the meal currently making my butthole a burning ring of fire. Hershey squirts all day. Guess who walks in?

The motherfucking bride! I’m having an ass-splosion in the stall and the beautiful blushing bride and her bustle buttoning bridesmaids in ill fitted pink satin tea length dresses come giggling in. Let’s just say I made quite an impression.

Some poop classifications from the Comedy Central poop list:

Ghost Poop- You feel the poop in the toilet but there is no poop in the toilet

Clean Poop- There is poop in the bowl but none on the tp

Second Wave Poop- You think you are done. Get the pants up. Surprise! Not done.

Wet Cheeks Poop (aka the power dump)- Leaves your body with such force that you get splashed with water

Corn Poop- Self explanatory

Gassy Poop- Giggles ensue

Upper Class Poop- This poop doesn’t smell

The Dangling Poop- This poop refuses to drop, and you pray that a shake sets it to swim with the fishes

I came to shit but only farted, now I sit here broken hearted. One of my favorite bits of potty poetry. I love reading bathroom graffiti. Especially when multiple people get in on it and escalate it. Jane loves Jim, then someone writes Jane has herpes, well your mom has herpes. Yea, because she slept with Jane. Fair enough… I often want to write rebuttals. Call insert mortal enemy’s name here for a good time on the bathroom stall. If we can pee in peace why can’t we be in peace?

My best friend and I will talk on the phone while pooping. I always laugh when she flushes the toilet at the end of the conversation. She is pretty much the only person I will at least admit to that I’m pooping while talking to her.

You know what really grinds my gears? Roommates who don’t replace the toilet paper. Don’t use the last slice and let me frantically search with cheeks clenched for something to wipe with at 3am. It’s like filling up the ice cube trays, doing the dishes,and taking out the trash, just do it!

I will poop anywhere. For a lot of people it is extremely scary to drop a deuce in a public potty. Bars especially! It’s definitely not fun to drop bombs while hovering over enemy waters. And come on ladies and gentleman clean up after yourself, we are all adults, don’t leave skids and drips for someone else to clean up.

Others are scared of public restrooms for more than just the germ factor. People who are transgender or non-conforming gender fluid face discrimination when trying to complete necessary and private bodily functions.

gender neutral

People are being dragged out of stalls for not being born the gender that is posted on the door (no pun intended).

It’s not right! Every person should be treated with respect and welcomed. In a perfect world there would be totally gender neutral or unisex facilities or at least an option of a private or “family” bathroom.

If I owned a bar it would be beautifully genderless, the bathroom signs would say Butch and Femme. You will go where you feel, not what outdated bullshit gender norms dictate.

It’s important to stand in support with our trans brothers and sisters, they have enough on there plate as it is and shouldn’t have to worry about bathroom politics. You should feel empowered not harassed.

A woman screams if a cisgendered man walks into the bathroom by accident. What are we really afraid of there?

I have used the men’s room in several situations when the women’s line was too occupied. I even remember being a little kid and seeing a little boy in the restroom with his mother and it was ok, but if I was in the store with my father I was sent in to pee alone, a girl in the men’s room is unacceptable. Or say I go with my grandfather somewhere and he needs help, I’m going to help him regardless of what the sign says.

Check out the site safe2pee.org for a more in depth discussion about public restrooms. It’s important.

So the moral of this blog is to own your humanity and not take shit or the act of pooping so seriously. Everybody has to use the bathroom, it’s nature. Nobody should ever be afraid of that for any reason.

And if you do go, light a match for goodness sake.

Do you have any embarrassing poop stories? Let um rip in the comments below!