My name is Cat and I am a squirter.

It was once something that I was terribly embarrassed of. I remember the first time it ever happened. I thought that I had peed. I was receiving oral sex and gave him a total shower. I was mortified, so was he.

Most bodily fluids gross people out, especially when they think it’s urine (unless people are into golden showers, different story). It was obvious that he thought I pissed all over his face. I swore I didn’t.

gusherEven so, because of the modern porn industry men expect girls to swallow their cum. So if I have to swallow your little spermies you shouldn’t be mad if I squirt all over you. Its the same thing, its proof that you are doing a good job pleasuring me. It didn’t mean that I forgot to do my Kegels.

I admit that I am a leaky bitch. I often pee a little when I sneeze or cough from a killer bong rip, but nothing like this gushing phenomenon. Female ejaculation is a beautiful wonder of nature, it is mysterious and a hot topic of controversy. Its liberation from social normatives.

Squirting scenes are now banned from porn in England. Fisting, face sitting, and abuse are among the other sex acts banned from British porn. These censorship laws only apply to films being made in Britain. They can still watch stuff made in other parts of the world as long they are not blocked by the government.

There is nothing that censors bukkake films (where a bunch of guys jerk off onto a girls face), which is a ridiculous double standard that will make more girls feel like freaks for ejaculating. This should not be taboo.

Men don’t own ejaculation. Just like everything in life, if you tell me I can’t do something because I’m a girl I am going to do it, and do it better and more extreme than most men would ever dream.

It is possible for every woman to ejaculate, however not everyone can soak the wall like I can. I remember my next long term boyfriend loving the fact that I was a squirter. I remember squirting so powerfully that there were drips on his TV and wall all the way across the room.

female ejaculation memeIt was so empowering to find someone who loved the gush. We joked that there needed to be a product called The Fuck Tarp. It would be a portable, waterproof on the bottom side, and made of a highly absorbent space aged material that saved your mattress or whatever you had sex on from the river of lady juice.

I have since harnessed the power of squirting and my partners fucking love it. It’s hot to know that you made someone cum.

It is generally a slightly opaque fluid but sometimes can be see through and odorless, usually it creates a waterfall of activity. I squirt especially hard when I am on top or taken from behind via doggystyle.

It is very easy for most women to fake orgasms, our genitalia are on the inside and we don’t all cum like men do. Unfortunately it is a little more difficult for squirters to fake orgasms.

I know for me there is definitely a point where it feels like my vagina is squeezing the phallus and then it builds up and spasms, then eventually the moment comes where the explosive orgasm leaves my partner dripping in hot, sweet girl gush. I like to call it the nectar of the gods. It’s like nothing else.

gspotThe G-spot does exist, it is also known as the female prostate, and is located on the roof of the vagina. Stimulating it causes extreme orgasms and in my case ejaculation.

Every woman can do it, you just need to experiment with your partner, your hand, or some sex toys. You have to locate your prostate and become aware of how sensitive it is. Once you find the magic button you must have the confidence to release the flow of she jizz from the urethra.

It’s scary for a lot of girls, but should be an honor and not something to be ashamed or intimidated by, its natural. Many women feel the sensation coming on during sex but repress it and clench their pelvis because they think they are going to pee. They think something is wrong but really it is just their body trying to let the sweet juices flow free.

Most women don’t find female ejaculation attractive because it is not common or they see it as not clean or that they are incontinent. It’s so sad that girls aren’t educated in this, they are missing out on an incredibly powerful feeling.

I remember trying to research female ejaculation in the library and on the internet and did not give me any answers. It’s a total mystery. If doctors don’t know where it comes from, how can I figure this out?

Bodies are very strange indeed. Many are skeptical of its origins but I can attest that it is a real phenomenon and not something made up by modern pornography.

Recent studies have shown that female ejaculation comes from the Skene’s glands, on the wall of the vagina near the urethra. French researchers have even observed female ejaculation using ultrasound technology. They found that the liquid came from the Skene’s glands and the bladder. There is a high level of prostatic acid phosphatase that is found in semen.

Lady juice is not that much different that what men secrete when they cum. Obviously one major difference is semen, but female ejaculate is made up of prostatic fluid, glucose, and some urine. It does not taste or smell anything like pee. Ejaculate will leave a white spot on your black futon so be careful where you point that waterfall.

All women have g-spots and just need a little exploration to make squirting a reality. I don’t think anyone will be mad to try and figure out how to make their girl squirt. Sexplortion is one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship.

Female ejaculation is proof that a woman can drench her partner in body fluid when she hits climax just like a man. It is so liberating!

You can finally feel how good it is to come on his face for once. This is a real symbol of female sexual power. It is sexual equality, no longer do we have to be the ones degraded and covered in cum, it goes both ways.

Good sex is messy, so what if you have to get some plastic sheets. Just remember that true love is when they sleep in the wet spot.

Hungry for love and BACON! Yes, awe yea that’s the spot. Put it in my mouth. Crispy crunchy glistening hot meat candy. Talk dirty to me, baby. Savor the sweet richness of chocolate volcano cake, seductively lick and coax the jelly out of the puffy powdered donut, caress the soft fuzzy peach with your lips, suck the raw oyster from its shell, blow the gooey cheesy pizza, bask in the loveliness of a ripe red strawberry, slurp that steaming soup, put your lips around that plump spicy sausage, enjoy those buns, let the juices from that orange dribble down your fingers, tear up every savory morsel of that perfectly cooked strip steak, pop the cherry, and give out a rapturous moan with every artful bite of sushi. Is your stomach growling with antici…..pation?

cat foodSploshing is a full body food fetish also called a WAM (wet and messy) fetish. A participant will be smashed with cream pies or mashed potatoes, covered in chocolate sauce, sit on messy desserts, eat while having sex, and use the food to initiate arousal. There are parties where women are the platter and they are covered in sushi, each bite revealing the real main dish.

Another group of food fetishists are called feeders. Often large BBW (big beautiful women) will eat for an audience or camera. People will pay big money to watch a powerful woman eat a cheeseburger or feed another woman some grapes.

Personally I have used both sploshing and feeding in my burlesque performance. I have dressed up like a pig cop and had girls smash donuts on me while a punk band played. I have eaten sushi to Oh baby I Like it Raw. I have pulled cheeseburgers out of my panties and showered crowds with freedom fries.

My favorite moment with food and performance would have to be my ode to Gluttony in a seven deadly sins show, where I had naughty housewives smash cupcakes on me dressed as Marie Antoinette:

Much of my art also revolves around food. For my senior thesis in college, called Pasties and Pastries, I did large paintings involving sex and cupcakes. I actually baked my weight in cupcakes (267 at the time) and fed them to the party.

I think that cupcakes represent the kind of woman I present myself as. A 50s housewife wearing nothing more than an apron and a finger full of frosting. Lick the spoon. Cupcakes and women are beautiful, decorative, fluffy, sweet, delicate, creamy, and pure art.

Taste, texture, and temperature: food stimulates all of the senses and fills our natural needs and desires. Phallic foods or any foods that look visually erotic are obvious choices. Raw oysters look like genitalia and are high in zinc, which increases testosterone and sperm. They also contain dopamine. Champagne and chocolate are both proven aphrodisiacs. Popping a bottle of bubbly is sure to make your night a little naughty. Dip those strawberries in dark, rich chocolate and feed each other. Eggs increase a man’s libido. A piece of sizzling steak on the grill, it’s juices and smells are like sex you can eat. Watermelon and peaches both contain libido enhancers and also just look sexy and messy while devouring.

Maybe I’m just a fat kid with an oral fixation, but food totally turns me on. Scrumptious and sumptuous deliciousness get in my mouth now, k thanks. My favorite moments in life revolve around the kitchen and not the bedroom. Cooking with friends, serving the needy (Food Not Bombs for life), or even baking Christmas cookies with Mom is amazing, but nothing like cooking with a lover.

There is nothing sexier than a meal made with love and passion. A good cook can provide more than orgasms. They say the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach, do you agree?

It is naïve to think that sex education class is the only way kids are learning about sex. I remember the first time I found a PlayBoy magazine, It was the August 1992 edition and I found it in around 1997. Flipping through the pages of fake breasts and tans, hairless pre-pubescent looking vaginas and early photoshopped perfection, I was not impressed. I had also seen some crazy 80s porn with huge bush at my best friend’s house. It was nothing compared to the dirty, filthy, slutty things I made my Barbies do. Sex slaves, lesbian 69 action, and so much more. My best friend and I were sick and twisted kids to say the least.

It was when I found a Hustler, maybe a year later in a different spot, that made me go: JACKPOT! The art of tasteful bush and PENETRATION! greased up bodies with strange lighting and snakes and all the accoutrements needed to make my libido realize it existed. The peen was in the vageen. Aye carumba! My heart raced a million miles an hour. This was the magazine that would live between my mattress and box spring for eternity.

PICTURES
Me and Tiffany, my sick and twisted BFF right around the age we discovered porn.

 

Technology survives based on how well it adapts to porn. Early photos and paintings were all porn. Irving Klaws made tons of money sending smut (Betty Page and early bondage) to businessmen. You bet that the first films ever made were based on sex. People like watching other people fuck, it’s a proven fact. VHS survived over Betamax because of porn. The Internet (which spell check now makes me capitalize, didn’t realize the “internet” was a person) is built on porn. I remember using my AOL dial up in the middle of the night to attempt to watch porn, it was so much better than the fuzzy Skin-o Max softcore movies (like Bleu Nuit with worse picture for my Montreal readers) but still a challenge. HBO’s Real Sex also changed my life. I will never ever forget the Pony Play episode! Or watching the lonely women take turns having sex with a realistic sex doll. It was funny to watch them hoist him into a rolling computer chair to move him into the other room. I just recently acquired the VHS version of these shows and am excited to take a walk down memory lane.

I guess what I am getting at here is some of the most influential reading and viewing material on my youth was in fact pornography. It was taboo, it was slightly scary, and it was everything I wanted. The mind of a child is growing and learning so rapidly. I can’t imagine how connected to porn kids are these days. It’s everywhere. Every ad is explicit. Kids, this Generation XXX as it were, have tablets and phones that are smarter than their parents. I get sick thinking about these same kids and selfies gone wrong.

Much of my art (both on the stage and visual) deals with the exploitation and exploration of the human body. During the 2014 Montreal and Buffalo Infringement Festivals I displayed my series of mixed media collages called “Kitty Porn.” Kitty porn is exactly what it sounds like, I took a hardcore porn magazine and a Cat Fancy magazine and collaged the cat heads on to the porn bodies. The outcome is hilarious. It is a comment on the two most exploited and shared things on the INTERNET (I am going to capitalize ALL of the letters now just to prove a point): Cats and Porn. Porn and Cats, and Cats and Porn. I soon realized that the cats in the magazines were making the same strained faces as the barely legal women in the porn magazines. It was an alarming epiphany.

kittysex
“Kitty Porn”

 

I was almost late to work today because of porn – it is so easy when you can just pull it up on your phone reaaaally quick. Access to all of the nastiest fetishes are at the click of a button. Hardcore Bisexual Strapon Femdom MMFF BBW DP ATM BDSM Cosplay porn would probably be my flavor of choice. Some good old fashion Gay Barback Twink and Bear orgies are also pretty hot – you can’t fake a giant cock in the ass. The moans and groans that can shatter glass bursting through your speakers. Don’t even get me started on furries. I often thought about doing feeder web cam porn, just letting people watch me eat stuff while they jerk off in the privacy of their own home or office.

I really enjoy the terrible plot lines of early porn flicks – Think “Log Jammin’” from The Big Lebowski. At least they were trying to make it interesting, LOL. We have gone a long way from the “Deep Throat” and “Debbie Does Dallas” days of pornography. Smut has to be wild and crazy. Nobody cares about doggie style, regular old “hardcore” is passat, girl on girl? Ha! so 1992. People want pain. They want cum shot compilations. They want gang bangs. They want it now, and fast, and again, again, and harder next time, more pain, more stretching and gaping, and younger, bigger, smaller, louder, sweeter, more covered in cum, humiliated and even more barely legal than before. It’s exhausting.

That’s why I like classic burlesque, leaves a little to the imagination. Old pinups are lovelier than any current porn star, or stripper straddling a beer bottle. Labioplasty should not be a thing. Young women should not be so destroyed from rough sex that they need reconstructive surgery. There is something to be said for innocence and intrigue. Innocence has been stripped from the youth for years, and its only getting worse. We need to bring back positive and safe displays of sexuality. Girls should never have to think that they need to do filthy porno things to be happy. We need to empower the youth and show them that sex is beautiful, kink can be healthy, consent is everything, and there is no one type of sex.

There are two kinds of guys: guys who watch pornography and guys who say they don’t watch pornography. Or, more accurately put; guys who watch pornography, and guys who watch a lot of pornography. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, it’s perfectly natural. Or, at least as natural as getting off from watching multiple women fart on one chocolate cake at the same time can be.

But it’s important to realize that everybody’s porn habits are different, and there should be no judgement when it comes to someone else’s preferences. In fact, a quick scroll through a man’s sordid browser history can tell you a lot more about him than you might realize. Here’s a short guide to what your porno penchant says about you.

If you pretty much stick to the straight ahead, heterosexual, no-fetish-attached, boy parts in girl parts brand of porn, you’re a pretty common personality type. You’re the person who eats their toast with only low fat margarine, and sticks to one or lower on the spiciness scale when you go out for Thai.

Your girlfriend has cheated on you at least twice, and your friends only hang out with you because you have a car. But grudgingly, because it’s a Ford Focus. You work in a bank or an insurance agency, and you named your dog a person name, like Dennis or Sheila. You get indignant when the wait for a table at the Olive Garden is too long, and then go next door to wait just as long at Red Lobster.

Maybe your tastes are a little bolder than that. You know, you’re not a freak or anything, but you like to get a bit wild. Perhaps you enjoy some action with toys, or light fetishism like mild S&M or foot play. Well, if that’s the case, then congratulations, you’re a total scumbag. Yes, it’s true. You may not realize it, but you’re occupying the sleazy, sticky limbo between guys who watch vanilla porn to match their vanilla lifestyle, and guys who watch bizarre extreme porn in a direct reaction to their vanilla lifestyle.

You’ve bought an El Camino through Kijiji. You consider tequila a sipping drink. You own multiple cats, and they’re all named after well-known literary heroines, though the only book you’ve ever read all the way through is Catcher In the Rye. Eight times. You trim your moustache to specific measurements. You vehemently defend your tattoo sleeves when no one’s said anything about them. Your vinyl collection is organized according to mood. You claim to have a deep appreciation for the films of Stanley Kubrick, but have only ever seen the ones with nudity in them. You play bass guitar.

If you’re mainly into gay porn, you’re most likely a gay dude, and you’re not ashamed of who you are. Or maybe you’ve watched a little because you’re writing an article about pornography, and you needed to do a bit of research. It doesn’t mean anything. So what? So you’ve done it a few times? Well, you’re just being thorough, right? You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, it’s nobody’s business anyway.

Look, just because your ex-roommate walked in on you five years ago and thought he caught you watching something, doesn’t mean he should’ve went around telling everybody. Besides, you totally just accidentally clicked on the wrong link. That’s what you keep telling everyone.

If anime porn or cosplay is your thing, you need to get a better grip on things than you think you have. You live in a relative’s basement and work part time at a grocery store, but only until you get your dream job at the comic shop. You wear cargo shorts more than three hundred days of the year, and you’ve been hosting a self-produced, twice-per-week podcast since 2011 that’s up to 19 subscribers now.

What you’re most proud of in life are your internet rants, and you’ve alienated every woman you’ve ever gotten slightly close with by projecting onto her an unrealistic ideal that you’ve composited from the love interest in every superhero movie you’ve got entirely committed to memory. You non-ironically use the term “friend zone.”

Now, if you’re all about the big butt porn, then I’ve only got one thing to say about that; stay the course, friend, you know what’s up! High five!

Speaking of which… uh, gotta go.

 

Photo by Rilind Hoxha via Flickr