“My bitch found a porn that I made with some other bitch back in the day. It was crazy, we were doing some award winning cartwheel 69 shit. She watched the whole damn thing and it ruined our relationship,” very loudly says one douche bro to another passing by in a dark parking lot where my friend and I were covertly smoking weed.

“Maybe you should have tried some cartwheel 69 shit with her!” I said to him, startling them a little. What even is cartwheel69? A great AIM screen name, I think.

Urban dictionary states that standing cartwheel 69 is “A sexual move often performed by gymnasts or dancers. It involves both partners in the Standing 69 position usually with the lighter partner backwards. The standing partner proceeds with cartwheels until he or she hits a wall. This often results with both partners simultaneously tightening their jaws on the recieving partners genitals, which ultimately leads to severed genitals and/or severe cuts.”  Say what?

What kind of misogynist asshole announces this story to his bro and the world like that? When he called her “his bitch” he pissed me off immediately. No woman should ever be described in such a demeaning way, and then the rest of the tale blew my mind. With his charming and respectful view of women I am sure the nails were already in the coffin of that relationship.

I do think that finding someone’s old homemade porn is not something that you should hold against someone. I am not defending this asshole by any means. He created this movie before the new girl was in the picture and while yes, he sucks for so many reasons, this is a grey area. She should not have been snooping through his computer, but genius boy obviously left it somewhere on his desktop labeled something reallllly discreet, waiting to be unearthed by an unsuspecting new lady.

I would have been turned on to see my beau going at it with a past lover. I would have picked on him hard. It seems like a case of jealousy, he wasn’t satisfying this poor girl and then she sees a video of him satisfying some other woman and she freaks out and leaves him.

This is why I have never made any scenes with former lovers. I have had multiple ask but never felt confident in knowing that the relationship would last forever and he would be the only person to ever see it. People don’t delete that kind of stuff.

Image via FreeFoto.com Creative Commons
Image via FreeFoto.com Creative Commons

This was obviously a rare shining moment in this guy’s sexual career. If I am making a porn I am getting paid for it. You know damn well that the guy will save it as a trophy forever and jerk off to it.

There is a whole genre of porn called revenge porn, men post old sex videos of themselves with ex girlfriends. These unsuspecting girls are then slut shamed on the internet, they signed no waiver, they receive no payment, some of these girls may never even see this video. Then boom, that hot cartwheel69 shit they did once after a college frat party is all over the internet.

It is truly fucked up that anyone would betray someone’s privacy like that. Create all sex tapes like they are going on the internet for mass consumption.

If you are not ashamed or feel like becoming a pornstar be my guest. Everything is different when it is with CONSENTING adults. Nothing else is remotely acceptable.

Finding someone else’s porn is interesting. It is a deep, dark fantasy revealed.

I was recently at an estate sale and in the attic came across an entire box of amazing vintage leather fetish gay porn and a leather/chain harness. I of course wanted the whole lot. When I brought it down everyone seemed so shocked that this box of gold even existed.

Being an estate sale it was the house of a man who had recently passed away, he was married and seemingly straight. His family had no idea about his kink and sexuality. I saw the look of disgust and terror in his son’s eyes as the lady from the sale gave me a price.

Did I out this man postmortem? He kept a secret his whole life and I just yanked it out of the attic.

It is so sad that he lived in a time where he didn’t feel safe showing his true self. He subscribed to marriage and the appropriate social standards. I wish I could make a time machine and pull this man out of his marriage and drop him off at the Folsom fair, let him wear his leather cock holster with chains and an O ring on the chest, walk around with others just like him. There is no deviance here, sexual freedom is beautiful.

I remember the first time I ever found porn as a child. It was a Hustler and there was penetration. It changed my life. Then there was my best friend’s dad’s shitty VHS 80’s bush porn. It was our first taste of the sex that would start being thrown at us via advertising and culture in high doses. You can’t get innocence back. Once you see it you cannot unsee it.

Porn is private, what people do and enjoy is their business. Never ever be ashamed of your porn collection (unless it is with non-consenting adult or a defenseless child, then you are a fucking monster who deserves to be shot).

Celebrate your fetish, love what and who you love proudly. If you make a porn with someone under the terms that it is just a sexy record for the two of you never dare show it to another person.

It is a violation, it is betrayal, just don’t do it! Keep your award winning cartwheel69 action to yourself, the satisfaction of knowing it exists should be enough. Bragging means you are overcompensating and there is nothing impressive or sexy about that.

* Featured Image by IsabelleTheDreamer via Flickr Creative Commons

There are two kinds of guys: guys who watch pornography and guys who say they don’t watch pornography. Or, more accurately put; guys who watch pornography, and guys who watch a lot of pornography. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, it’s perfectly natural. Or, at least as natural as getting off from watching multiple women fart on one chocolate cake at the same time can be.

But it’s important to realize that everybody’s porn habits are different, and there should be no judgement when it comes to someone else’s preferences. In fact, a quick scroll through a man’s sordid browser history can tell you a lot more about him than you might realize. Here’s a short guide to what your porno penchant says about you.

If you pretty much stick to the straight ahead, heterosexual, no-fetish-attached, boy parts in girl parts brand of porn, you’re a pretty common personality type. You’re the person who eats their toast with only low fat margarine, and sticks to one or lower on the spiciness scale when you go out for Thai.

Your girlfriend has cheated on you at least twice, and your friends only hang out with you because you have a car. But grudgingly, because it’s a Ford Focus. You work in a bank or an insurance agency, and you named your dog a person name, like Dennis or Sheila. You get indignant when the wait for a table at the Olive Garden is too long, and then go next door to wait just as long at Red Lobster.

Maybe your tastes are a little bolder than that. You know, you’re not a freak or anything, but you like to get a bit wild. Perhaps you enjoy some action with toys, or light fetishism like mild S&M or foot play. Well, if that’s the case, then congratulations, you’re a total scumbag. Yes, it’s true. You may not realize it, but you’re occupying the sleazy, sticky limbo between guys who watch vanilla porn to match their vanilla lifestyle, and guys who watch bizarre extreme porn in a direct reaction to their vanilla lifestyle.

You’ve bought an El Camino through Kijiji. You consider tequila a sipping drink. You own multiple cats, and they’re all named after well-known literary heroines, though the only book you’ve ever read all the way through is Catcher In the Rye. Eight times. You trim your moustache to specific measurements. You vehemently defend your tattoo sleeves when no one’s said anything about them. Your vinyl collection is organized according to mood. You claim to have a deep appreciation for the films of Stanley Kubrick, but have only ever seen the ones with nudity in them. You play bass guitar.

If you’re mainly into gay porn, you’re most likely a gay dude, and you’re not ashamed of who you are. Or maybe you’ve watched a little because you’re writing an article about pornography, and you needed to do a bit of research. It doesn’t mean anything. So what? So you’ve done it a few times? Well, you’re just being thorough, right? You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, it’s nobody’s business anyway.

Look, just because your ex-roommate walked in on you five years ago and thought he caught you watching something, doesn’t mean he should’ve went around telling everybody. Besides, you totally just accidentally clicked on the wrong link. That’s what you keep telling everyone.

If anime porn or cosplay is your thing, you need to get a better grip on things than you think you have. You live in a relative’s basement and work part time at a grocery store, but only until you get your dream job at the comic shop. You wear cargo shorts more than three hundred days of the year, and you’ve been hosting a self-produced, twice-per-week podcast since 2011 that’s up to 19 subscribers now.

What you’re most proud of in life are your internet rants, and you’ve alienated every woman you’ve ever gotten slightly close with by projecting onto her an unrealistic ideal that you’ve composited from the love interest in every superhero movie you’ve got entirely committed to memory. You non-ironically use the term “friend zone.”

Now, if you’re all about the big butt porn, then I’ve only got one thing to say about that; stay the course, friend, you know what’s up! High five!

Speaking of which… uh, gotta go.


Photo by Rilind Hoxha via Flickr

It’s October and familiar colours are overtaking the landscape: the unmistakable combination of Halloween orange and black, the vibrant reds and yellows of the changing maple leaves, and gleefully girlie pastel pink… that’s right, National Breast Cancer Awareness Month has returned with a pink vengeance and this year everyone from Pornhub to the NFL is getting involved.

For the entire month of October, Pornhub, a free online community with content uploaded by its members, will donate one penny for every 30 views of their tit-themed videos to supporting breast cancer research in what they’ve deemed the “Save the Boobs” campaign.

Or, as their press release put it:

“It doesn’t matter if you’re into itty-bitty-titties, the perfect handful, jumbo fun-bags or low-swinging flapjacks, what matters most is that your kind and selfless gesture will go a long way towards helping our sisters find a cure”

So far, the breast-themed videos on Pornhub have received over 30 million views, on track with their monthly average of between 70 and 90 million clicks. This adds up to a $10,000 donation, which could triple by the end of the month. This money was supposed to go towards the Susan G. Komen Foundation until the Dallas-based organization came forward last week to reject the offer. “We are not a partner, nor accepting donations, and have asked them to stop using our name,” said Andrea Rader of Komen for the Cure. Pornhub is currently seeking another worthy recipient for the funds.

It doesn’t surprise me that money raised for breast cancer from a porn website has become controversial, as pink ribbon marketing campaigns all over the place have come under recent scrutiny by websites like Think Before You Pink. They critique the use of the pink ribbon as a marketing tool, as it not only gets used to sell a product but to sell “good” along with it.

A new NFB documentary titled ‘Pink Ribbons, Inc’ remarked that since 1940, a woman’s chances of developing breast cancer went from one in 22 to one in 8. Even though it ultimately kills fewer women then cardiac disease or lung cancer, its high profile, links to motherhood and underlying current of sexuality have led breast cancer and the pink ribbon campaign to near-ubiquity. With women making the majority of household purchases, it only makes sense from a marketing standpoint to slap it on just about anything, even products that might be harmful and increase women’s chances of developing the disease.

Ultimately, my feelings on Pornhub’s fundraising campaign are a little conflicted. First of all, I wouldn’t exactly put “watching pornography” among the most kind and selfless acts a person can perform. Plus I’m not so sure that using terms like “fun-bags” prove progressive thinking on a company’s part. But, it is pretty much free money – people are going to watch porn anyways, so why not have some good come out of it? I applaud their effort to try to help out, as chances are quite high that many of the men and women in the videos on Pornhub has a personal connection to breast cancer, whether through their mother, grandmother, aunt, sister or friend. At least they’re not trying to suck money out of their fans, while putting on a show of support for breast cancer, like some believe the NFL is doing with their pink philanthropic gestures of late.

In addition to raising awareness with pink jerseys and giant ribbons painted on the fields, the NFL is donating 5% of the sales of all pink ribbon merchandise to the American Cancer Society… which at first sounds decent, but if you break it down like Jezebel did, with a nod to Business Insider: “if NFL products are sold at a 100% markup and only 5% of sale proceeds go to the American Cancer Society, then the NFL is pocketing 90% of sales of Breast Cancer Awareness products, many of which would not be purchased if they didn’t come with a promise that consumers were ‘helping’.”

Furthermore, the league made an astonishing $8.5 billion in 2009 alone. And guess how much they’re given to the American Cancer Society since the creation of the fundraising program four years ago: a measly $3 million. But I guess every little penny counts…

Pink Ribbon Collage Photo Credit: http://thinkbeforeyoupink.org/?p=2125#more-2125

The Los Angeles city council recently passed a controversial ordinance requiring all porn performers to wear condoms during film shoots to reduce the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. The 9-1 vote was a significant victory for the LA-based AIDS Healthcare Foundation, an organization that has been tirelessly lobbying for years for mandatory condom use in pornography.

“It’s a great day for the performers and safer sex in our society,” noted Michael Weinstein, president of the AIDS Heathcare Foundation. “This is the first legislative body to take up the issue, and the near-unanimous support is very gratifying.”

While it’s unclear at this point exactly how the new ordinance will be enforced, it seems that porn producers will have to pay a fee that will be used to fund surprise condom inspections, which could begin as early as next month. Producers will also have to obtain permits from the Department of Public Health before filming.

The ordinance faces some tough criticism from the adult film industry. Some believe it will just drive production out of LA, the unofficial porn capital of America and home to as many as 90 percent of the porn films produced in the country.

Following the deaths of several high-profile pornographic actors and actresses in the 1980s, the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation (AIM) was established, which helped set up the current system where performers are tested for HIV and some other sexually transmitted diseases once a month. Furthermore, all sexual contact is logged for up to six months, so if a performer tests positive, their sexual partners can be contacted and re-tested.

Due to the rampant spread of HIV due from anal sex, the homosexual porn industry started using condoms for anal sex in the early 1990s. However, the heterosexual porn industry continued to rely only on monthly testing, a system that has proven to be a failure in several high-profile scandals. Last summer, porn production was temporarily shut down in LA after a performer tested positive for HIV.

The new documentary “Inside Lara Roxx” by first-time filmmaker Mia Donovan follows the story of a 21-year old Montrealer who contacted HIV in 2004, a mere two months after moving to LA to break into the adult industry. She was unknowingly exposed to the disease during her first official scene, a double anal, by Darren James, who also infected two other female performers. James initially tested negative for HIV, then a positive test weeks later barred him from any further American porn productions.

“It made me realized how much I trusted this system that wasn’t to be trusted at all, because it obviously doesn’t work,” Roxx said.

While mandatory condom use may seem like the answer, it’s not always so simple. For example, the ordinance does nothing to prevent the distribution of porn without condoms made in other locations. “As long as the demand is there, people are going to find a way to shoot without condoms,” noted Donovan on CBC radio earlier this week.

With piracy and the Internet already hampering the adult film industry, could this latest ordinance be enough to send the business underground permanently? Furthermore, what can be done to normalize the heterosexual male porn viewer to seeing rubbers on the male actor’s members, viewers who themselves might prefer the sensation of bareback sex?

“By the time you’ve had 30 to 90 minutes of condom friction on your tender bits, there is abrasion, there is soreness, sometimes there’s a little swelling, it’s tender, it’s not comfortable,” noted legendary porn actress Nina Hartley.

But what’s a little soreness and swelling compared with contracting an oftentimes deadly virus that attacks and weakens your immune system, leaving you vulnerable to pneumonia, tumours and a whole host of other painful afflictions?

Photo: redhot.org

Recently, it came up over drinks with fellow FTBer Steph Laughlin that I hadn’t seen any of the seminal 70s porn films, including the notorious Deep Throat. I decided it would be a double feature, paired with the 2005 documentary Inside Deep Throat for insight into the background and social climate of the time.

Deep Throat was the first pornographic film to reach a mainstream audience. Made on a shoestring budget of $25 000, its estimated gross is reported to be as high as $600 million, which would make it the most profitable film of all time.

Even before it opened in Times Square in June 1972, it was already being hailed as obscene. Efforts by the police and the courts to shut it down only made Deep Throat more popular as it ushered in a brief period of porno chic, a term coined in the New York Times.

From the very first frame, the aesthetic is so ridiculously 70s that it almost feels like a parody: thick mustaches rivaling that of Burt Reynolds, feathered perms and the requisite ample bushes. The decent enough fucking scenes are accompanied by a groovy soundtrack of psychedelic, organ-heavy covers of pop songs and a conspicuous number of songs featuring the word “deeper” over and over again.

The premise is downright silly, which comes off as relatively charming. Linda Lovelace, a fresh-faced young brunette, confesses to her equally sexually adventurous friend that, while she gets pleasure from sex, she’s never experienced one of those “bells ringing, dams bursting, guns going off” orgasms that she knows must exist. Linda then visits a wacky doctor who discovers that her clitoris is in the back of her throat, which she proves by performing the most intense and satisfying cock gobbling on his throbbing member. Cue the fireworks, send the rocket up to the sky!  I’m not kidding, there are actual intercuts of clanging iron bells, bursting fireworks and rockets taking off.

Of course, in an age where we can get almost any graphic image we seek at the click of a button, it seems foreign that people would get so excited about seeing fellatio on screen. But, as Camille Paglia told Playboy in 1995:

“Deep Throat was a revelation… when I was growing up, good middle-class white girls never discussed it. We’d never even heard of it. Women went with their boyfriends to see Deep Throat and their mouths were hanging open. No one could believe it.”

In the documentary Inside Deep Throat, she calls the film as an epochal moment in the history of modern sexuality, as it marked the first time it was socially acceptable for respectable middle class women to visit a porno theater, thereby breaking down traditional codes of decorum.

And while Deep Throat arrived in the wake of the sexual revolution, it presents seemingly conflicted takes on feminine sexuality. The first sexual act shown in the film is an eager young man going down on a woman as she longingly and luridly drags on a cigarette before exhibiting a realistic-looking orgasm. Yet we also have the absurd male fantasy of its premise to contend with:  the woman is getting as much sexual pleasure from giving head as he is from getting it. In fact, the only way she can achieve true satisfaction is in serving someone else. But, at least she’s getting her bells and whistles orgasm, any way she knows how.

In addition to her incredible blowjob skills, Lovelace also performed anal sex, uncommon for women at the time. She also engaged in a very strange sex act near the end of the film, involving a male partner, a can of Coca-Coca and a suctioning tube.

After the tightening of the American obscenity laws in 1973, the film was put on trial all over the country and was eventually banned in 23 states. The film’s fellatrix starlet, Linda Lovelace, denounced her performance later in life, asserting she was forced into the role by her possessive husband, producer Chuck Trainor.

“When you see the movie ‘Deep Throat’, you are watching me being raped. It is a crime that movie is still showing; there was a gun to my head the entire time,” she told the 1986 Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography.

As pornography faced a mounting backlash from the feminist and religious communities coupled with the advent and growing popularity of the VCR, the whole industry shifted from plot-driven features to pure sex, which was far easier and cheaper to produce. Inside Deep Throat ended with a statistic that exemplifies just how much this shift affected the porn business: in 2002, there were 467 Hollywood movies made, compared with 11,303 adult movies.

Deep Throat serves as the archetype of the time when porno was so chic, even your grandmother went to the seedy downtown theater to see it. Honestly, I did become quite aroused at a few times throughout the film, but that was mostly for the fashion and the music.

3.5 dicks out of 5