respect

CultureSex

So I was at work and a young male customer was using the communal computer, totally normal right? I was minding my own business doing work, answering emails ect, and then I noticed a faint but familiar fapping sound that could not be much other than a man beating his meat. I’m vegetarian and not interested, Bro.

I instantly looked up and the sound stopped, he looked forward at the screen, no hands in site. This repeated for a little while, I couldn’t believe it. It was nearing the end of my night, I must just be tired. He couldn’t possibly be jerking off right in front of me right? Naw, no man would be that incredibly rude.

I was able to go into the office and peek through the blinds a little to see what he had up on the screen and there was nothing, only the desktop. I mean come on man, I know I am sexy, you probably have never seen a woman so beautiful and powerful as the one standing before you, BUT that is no excuse to thrash your tiny little manhood in my presence. Your fapping is NOT a pick-up line!

Just because I enjoy pickles doesn’t mean I want yours.

Would I have been less upset if he were watching porn on silent? Probably not, I would have just had the cookies as proof of his guilt. I would have been just as furious.

I wonder if this bizarre shit happens to every woman or just me? Am I more in tune, do I notice things that others don’t? Is knowing that misogyny exists like believing in ghosts? If you know they are real you will experience them.

Ghosts are real and so are shitty men. I’m not saying that all ghosts are evil or that all men are bad, its like saying that all white people are racist or all blondes are less than genius.

It is true that because some men are jerks and some white people are racist that men need to make extra effort in sensitivity and white people need to know their privilege and break the cycle of hate and misunderstanding. I am a natural blonde genius, clearly.

Stereotypes, while not a blanket, do sometimes have a basis in truth. We all just need to learn to be kind and pay attention to break the shitty stereotypes that exist and not feed into them.

Back to the wanker: I was in no way being suggestive. I was being “customer service” cordial. I love my job, it is truly magical, but just like any other service job where you deal with live breathing warm blooded human beings you will find assholes that think the rules don’t apply to them.

For the most part his crotchal region was covered by a sweatshirt on his lap, but then I saw for a tiny flicker of a moment something pink and glistening out of the corner of my eye. Like a dog’s red rocket. Again it was gone as soon as it was out.

I had no solid (or even flaccid) proof that I wasn’t insane and seeing things. If it was out for all to see I would have put on a protective rubber glove and yanked him out into the cold by it like a mom with her naughty son’s ear.

The last straw was the next morning when I went to the basement to change the laundry and he was sitting in the dark alone with a blanket covering his crotch. Again I heard familiar fapping, as if he was just waiting for someone to catch him. Gross dude, now I definitely have to wash that blanket.

There are pages of people talking about public masturbation on the internet, doing it in school, or church, ect. So many people enjoy things better when they think they might get caught. Yea sometimes I poop with the door open, but not at somebody else’s house.

Sometimes when you are horny you just gotta jerk off, it’s natural, it’s totally cool! Do not feel guilty for masturbating or watching porn. Masturbation can be a positive way to release energy, not a social stigma or deviance.

We all do it. Just do it in a private place and not at the expense of an innocent bystander. It is spacial rape and blatant disrespect, you are taking over a public place with your private matter. Do not assume that anyone else wants to see what you are doing, even if being caught is part of your kink, think before you put that on someone.

Consent is Awesome! See :)
I get off with a little help from my friends! (with their consent)

Great places to jerk off:
In your own bed!
In a rented bed!
In the bathroom! (hey some places even have glory holes)
In the shower (easiest clean up)
In the car! (when its parked somewhere remote)
In an abandoned building!
Locked in the utility closet at work.
Under a tree in the middle of the woods (like deep woods, not a park or playground, creeper)
In a shady adult movie theatre designed for that stuff with a person who is knowingly paid to mop jizz.
NOT IN FRONT OF UNWILLING PEOPLE!

If the only way you can get off if by having people watch then go to a sex club! Download some hook up apps or search Craigslist personals. Fetlife is also an incredible resource for alternative sexual preferences. Surf the internet for two minutes and you will find others who are into the same fetish lifestyle you are.

Consent is so fucking cool! Involving someone who did not give you consent in your sexual game is the same as rape, remember that next time.

CultureSex

What bleeds for a week and doesn’t die?

I find myself sitting alone in my bed watching, videos of kittens cuddling with various other cute creatures, orphans getting adopted for Christmas, the reactions of dogs seeing their soldier owners after years of deployment, and more sappiness into the wee hours of morning just weeping. Crying my eyes out for no reason and every reason imaginable. Its ridiculous – I feel weak and powerless over my emotions. Its like that Sarah McLaughlin fucking Angel song is playing on repeat in my brain for the entirety of my red wave.

Recently, I have been really feeling like a WOMAN. I have had my period for about a week now. This month my darling Aunt Flo is a relentless bitch. I love my femininity most of the time, but during my red days I would much rather have a penis, even a small penis would be better than a throbbing, bloody pussy. Penis envy is not my thing, but I would trade her in for a few days each cycle. I know that I am probably no fun during these days. All of the energy is drained out of my body and I catch myself being hormonally cranky and full of pure rage for no apparent reason. I apologize for anyone whom I hurt during this time.

When I am not crying or ready to kill someone, I am ferociously horny. Its insatiable. Time to earn your red wings lover. I do often find that I am pretty much irresistible while bleeding, the bears can smell the menstruation. I smell different and am full of all the hormones – the “whore moans.” I have had some of the best sex of my life while on the rag. Shower sex is so much fun or even just putting a towel down works. I’m a squirter, so I do these things anyways. I even had a bearded gentleman suitor eat me out, while my beef curtains were extra rare. It was fucking intense! He couldn’t help himself, like a wild animal he devoured me. I have had sex with several women while they were on their periods, I did not let the bloodbath scare me. I mean, I definitely concentrated on the clit with my mouth, and let the fingers do all of the dirty work, but it was beautiful and spontaneous. Tasted a little like pennies.

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The day I lost my virginity: I was a young teenager and my boyfriend lived like a half hour away, he had to take the bus to come see me. The night before we messaged each other on AIM, and planned the whole thing. My parents were going to work and he was going to make the trek over to pop my cherry. This is it, I thought, the day I am going to become a woman! So I wake up with a smile on my face, and then look at my panties: SONOFABITCH! I got my period. There was no way to call him off since this was before cell phones were prevalent. So I cleaned it up and pretended like nothing was out of the ordinary. We had sex for the first time and I bled. He was also a virgin and just assumed that all the blood was from my precious little hymen breaking. I started my sexual career based on a lie.

I never read the book but apparently there is a part in 50 Shades of Grey, where he removes her bloody tampon and they get it on. Good for them! I’m happy that this is being discussed. The intimacy of a relationship is built on love and attraction. I am a woman and I bleed, fucking deal with it! If you want to get it on go ahead. Period blood is natural and lubricating. Its not that I want a guy to pull out the tampon and ring it out with his teeth like a delicacy or chew on the blood clots like candy. I just want some consideration down there. It’s easy to wipe your junk off or to take a shower. Could be from red to dark brown clumps, still fine. What’s a little blood and uterus goo between lovers?

I have to admit that I have had my reservations in the past when it came to period sex. Now, I see that it was just the insecurities of my partners at the time that made me think that way. I had been told by too many men that it was gross. You want me to swallow your cum and that’s sexy, but if you get a little blood on your dick that’s gross? Fluids are fluids as far as I’m concerned. I even had a man freak out once when I woke up with my period and stained his sheets. It was mortifying and I felt second-class the way I was treated. Total disrespect.

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Some people are even into blood play. They go as far as cutting each other and having sex in the blood. In a world where HIV is real, I think that is a little dangerous. What I’m talking about is sex with a condom during a light day of my period, not so gross. It is a myth that you cannot get pregnant during your period, so still be safe, please.

People are obsessed with blood to the point that they make art with it. Menstrual blood paintings are a real thing. I once was dressed like a zombie and left a bloody hand print on someone’s wall, that was pretty funny. In college it seemed like every feminist art student made at least once piece with tampons. I made a corset out of tampons and other feminine products. Imagine filling squirt guns with fake blood and having a war with the tampon corsets on, they would puff up. Total period piece.

During the time of the month where our life-giving uterus sheds its lining, women can become ferocious sex crazed beasts. Take advantage of that. Get over the bloody stigma and dive right into the red sea – it is spread open and ready for the taking.

Culture

Most girls go gaga for a good beard. The longer, and bushier the better. Hey – I even admit that most of my Tinder swipe lefts are of the furry faced persuasion. Guys love having them, because they can hide behind them (or hide stuff in them). Ron Burgundy and Tom Selleck give a great mustached face, but there is something less pervy uncle and more burly lumberjack about a well groomed beard. Men gain instant sex appeal and credibility once the whiskers and 5’o clock shadows become a full blown beard. But, only the scruffiest manliest men have beards, right? Wrong. Most hipsters, who can grow them, have them these days – along with tattoos and the coolest bicycles. It’s practically a right of passage. Another group of even less manlier men are rocking beards these days – WOMEN!

Bearded ladies have been sideshow attractions in freakshows for years, such as the infamous Josephine Clofullia, Jane Barnell, and Annie Jones of the early 19th century circus circuit. Women who grow natural facial hair often suffer from a hormonal imbalance, usually an androgen excess, poly cystic ovarian syndrome, or a rare genetic disorder called hypertrichosis. Many women are saying fuck electrolysis and waxing, and are now embracing their real beards – face beards and bearded clams alike! By doing this, they challenge beauty standards and societal expectations of what a proper woman should look like. I remember reading about a girl who had a beard by age 11. She was tormented by her peers and even had death threats. She eventually embraced her body hair, and couldn’t be happier, feeling more feminine with it! She will find love because she loves herself. Follow this link to read the full inspirational story of Harnaam Kaur, a young woman who embraces her facial hair.

Then there are the fakers. We wear our whiskers proud, and support charities and women’s rights by becoming beardos. A whiskerina is a female who wears a faux beard. Fake beards are usually crazy and handcrafted monstrosities, made of everything from real human hair or yarn, to moss and flowers or even rubber snakes. Whiskerina competitions started, so that women can have their own voice in the beard competition world, and not just be a side attraction in the male beard world. Watch the story of the First Annual Whiskerina Competition for Breast Cancer Awareness – it’s awesome.

On stage I have done drag for years, and iconic facial hair is a must. I often sport a moustache and 5’oclock shadow, which looks like everybody’s dad. Some other styles I have rocked are the strap on beard (fake hair molded like a beard with a convenient strap that goes around your head that I used for Boobs Ross, my Bob Ross burlesque skit), the sunglasses with dangling mustache, the pencil on (used for the Walter Sobchek chin strap in The Big Lezbowski show I was in), and the most effectively real looking mustache and crepe hair glued to the face with spirit gum. I was even in a music video with my burlesque troupe, The Stripteasers, dedicated to women with moustaches! Check it out here:

I will be competing in an annual beard competition on St. Patrick’s Day at the Essex St Pub in Buffalo, NY. Last year, my friend Melissa Campbell and I arrived at the competition – faces full of fur – and we looked damn fine. We caused a stir just by being there, people didn’t quite know how to handle us. It felt wonderfully empowering. The “real” beards were all very supportive, and gave us great beard stories and advice. It felt like we were allowed into a secret society. Neither of us won, but we were inspired. Because of that fateful day, I now know a little bit more about being a true whiskerina. So, GAME ON BOYS! This year I predict a win for all womankind.