I have always been the type of person who did everything all the time. In high school I was in 9 clubs, stayed after-school everyday. Life hasn’t changed much. I work two jobs, perform burlesque at least twice a week, volunteer, organize art events, make art and read daily, and I still make time for my friends and family. Even though I am a big girl, I definitely spread myself too thin, and it is exhausting. I wait till the bitter last minute to finish everything. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m laying in my bed writing this blog, only hours before deadline when I should actually be sleeping. Trying to trade sleep for productivity is dangerous. I wish I didn’t have to sleep to live – life would be better if I had those 8 hours to do other activities. I was always the little kid who fought to stay up all night. Sleep is the cousin of death.

However it is important to take care of yourself. Nobody thanks you for burning out. It’s important to have some time for yourself. Relax, take a bath, do some yoga, smoke a bong, and pet a kitty. Then go! Go! Go!

cat hot dog

Improvisation is the key to surviving and striving through all the little shit storms life throws at you or the ones you jump into face first. You have to be able to make things up as you go along. Who knew the best ideas were just sitting up your ass waiting to be pulled out? Confidence will coax those little gems right out of you, just don’t flush them, flourish in them. Recognize your own genius and rise above all obstacles. Nothing is unconquerable. My best performances are often thought up minutes before a show or even during the performance itself.

Time management is key. Multitasking is also very important. I often find myself doing my full makeup at red lights on a way to a gig or work. I’m terrible about eating in the car too – a double cheeseburger in my hand, often my only meal of the day. Don’t do this! Fast food is absolutely terrible for you. There is often no nutritional value, but a high fat and sugar content. If you are already running low on energy this will do no good for your body. Take care of yourself.

Life is fucking stressful but you can’t let the stress control your life. Write down all the stuff you need to get done and always schedule in down time and fun stuff. Remember, you are only capable of doing so much. I need to listen to this advice. When I try to do everything, I can’t focus on anything and my whole life suffers.

Watch that temper! Lack of sleep and too much responsibility can make a person cranky. Never take out your stress on someone else. Make a conscious effort to think about why you are so angry and fix it before you bite someone’s head off. Innocent bystanders often suffer the wrath of those who bite off more than they can chew. Spit some out and ask for help. Don’t let pride get in the way of progress and success.

Learn from your failures and recognize your strengths. Positive energy gets shit done. Take good out of every situation. It’s either a lesson learned or a job well done. It’s never the end of the world. Accept help. You are capable of so much, but not everything, and that’s ok!

I will start this by saying I know I am lucky, loved, healthy, and have the world by a string. I wake up most days with a huge smile on my face, knowing that I can accomplish anything. I am young and my face is symmetrical. When I look at my life I see a whole lot of goodness and bliss. My family, friends, and cats are incredible and I even love all of my jobs. My glass is half full.

Then there are those rare days where the sun just refuses to shine. You feel suddenly old and ugly, flawed and hopeless – completely unlovable. The demons you try so hard to help others fight off creep into your own thoughts. Those stupid fucking bad days seem to be longer than every good one combined. Today I am having one of those god awful days. The glass is still half full, just now it’s full of shit.

I think it is partially due to the seasonal affective disorder: I crave sunshine. I need my long dresses, bare legs and feet, no underwear or bra, just long flowery flowing freedom. I’ve been aching, slightly1926223_10102348672233968_6553281700865224625_o sick for months. My skin is dry and awful. I just don’t feel sexy when it’s gloomy. There is a happiness solar panel on my head that needs to be charged ASAP.


I also think the forthcoming spring is a little intimidating. It makes me think of love in the air and people having picnics with their lovers in the park. I am single by choice, but I still miss the simple joy of waking up next to someone. Having kisses and a cup of coffee waiting for you when you wake up is lovely. If I truly wanted a lover, I know there are at least a few people waiting to be mine. Sadly it’s not that easy. We never love the ones who openly profess their undying love for us. It’s the ones who are hard to get, the ones who show distance, the ones who challenge us: those are the ones we really want.

I try not to dwell on the things that make me sad. I know that I do hold things inside and communicating my feelings is not my strong suite. I do a lot for others. I aim to be the person that you know will always have your back no matter what and be the voice of the voiceless and fight the good fight. I think everyone is good at the core. I root for the misguided; I forgive people without question; and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. In my quest to give others happiness, I often forget to leave some of that passion and happiness behind for myself.

I was really taken aback when comedian Robin Williams took his own life. He was someone who exuded confidence and caused so much laughter. Being funny doesn’t mean you are happy. It is unfortunately common for comedians to suffer from depression. It makes sense to me, people who are funny do it as a defense. I think about all of the celebrities who died before their time due to drug addiction or self affliction and it’s horribly sad. What’s the point of making it, if it’s so lonely at the top? Minds that create astounding beauty are also capable of making tragic darkness. You can accomplish all of your dreams and still feel emptiness, what’s left to strive for if you have everything?


I am a performer. We make the world laugh instead of being the butt of jokes ourselves. I know that I have always laughed to hold back tears. You get really good at hiding the sadness and the rest of the world only sees the bright light you choose to exude. Mental illness runs in my family – I often wonder if I have multiple personalities that just get a chance to exist on stage, then they can’t haunt me in my everyday life.

When I am on stage the sad thoughts melt away, nothing hurts, I own the crowd’s attention, and I feel true success for the 3 minutes I am up there. I pour my dark thoughts into my art and it makes me more approachable and relatable. All the time girls tell me I inspire them, I am up there flaunting my imperfections. People think I really have my shit together, that is the furthest from the truth.

I’m doing my best to keep it together and keep on waking up with that smile forward. I will never stop trying to help others deal with this harsh cold world. It’s important to remember that even the happy people get sad sometimes. Nobody is immune to sadness, we just have to keep doing the best we can do to not let it consume our psyche. Never ever take people for granted. Love them fully, hug them often, use your gifts to empower others and remember to leave a little bit of love left for yourself.

This winter I grew out my pubic hair and weaved it into a beautiful sweater to keep my ladybits nice and warm. I’m not talking about a merkin here either, which was the name of Victorian pubic wigs used by prostitutes, now by modern Burlesque performers, and actors doing nude scenes. My vagina has just straight up gone rogue in the barren wasteland. The cobwebs just weren’t doing the trick, and every time I spread my legs those pesky tumbleweeds would just roll on out. Even on a good day I do not have the smooth vagina of a twelve-year-old girl, but this is ridiculous. When you have gone far beyond the tasteful 90s bush, and on to a full out thigh beard, you know it has been a while since you last even harbored the possibility of getting laid.

Lack of sex can drive a person absolutely crazy. Sometimes it is easy to just revert to sleeping with an EX – but is that what you really want, EX-SEX? It’s not really a new notch in the bed post, just etching an old one. As long as you have waited long enough and both parties agree to an emotionless romp, it could be a decent option. All the passion with none of the commitment – sign me up! You know each other’s bodies well, and can just do the best part. But usually, I find it just ends in disaster and you remember in an instant why you are not with that person anymore. Just remember to wrap it up before doing the deed, and I don’t advise spending the night after.

Cat with a rubber fist dildo. That’s what they’re for, right?


There’s always the Internet. If you REALLY want to get laid, trolling internet sites and phone dating apps is a great way to find like-minded adults (and a wide array of creepers) to satisfy your urges. I have been on my fair share of OKCupid dates with not much success. Usually it’s an instant creepy dick pic, or the person doesn’t quite match up with their profile. But hey, you never know, some people have found success. Again, no glove, no love. Especially since you don’t know the person well.

I have always found the best way to meet someone is not to be looking for them at all. Just work on YOU! Do the things YOU love and are passionate about and the rest will work itself out. Getting out there and participating in all the glorious things life has to offer is what makes everything worthwhile. Get involved with community outreach, paint a mural, work on a community garden, go to poetry readings, check out music, hang out in coffeehouses, play kickball, join a gym, or just do anything that you love! The right person will be there doing the things that you love right with you. You just have to be patient. Patience is a virtue though, so godspeed.

If a warm body is not an option (don’t go for a cold one, necrophilia is gross and unhealthy my friend), throw on some porn and get a sex toy! I myself am not the biggest fan of artificial stimulation – I need everything that goes along with sex. The smells, the sounds, and the touch are really what make it for me. Plus I think that my vibrator is quite possibly the loudest thing on the planet. My roommates must hear it. Its easy to put headphones on to hide the porn moans, but that loud BUZZZZZZZZZ is hard to mask, no matter how many pillows used to muffle it is still pretty intense. Tip: the sex toys that use D batteries or plug into the wall are best used when nobody else is home (or you can always blame it on a loud heating system). I prefer dittling my own skittle manually, but that also takes practice.

Vibrator ad from the New York Tribune, 1913.


Sex toys have been around for a very long time and were initially used by doctors in the Victorian era to cure female patients suffering from “hysteria,” One of the first vibrators was invented in France in 1734, it was called the “Tremoussoir.” Now we have the magic bullet, the Hitachi Magic wand, the Rabbit, Pocket Rockets, and the always frightening Rubber Fist. The options are endless, there are so many shapes, sizes, colors, and designs (ranging from kitschy to uber-realistic) that you will definitely find one that tickles your fancy. Sex toys are nothing to be ashamed of or shy about, many women throw sex toy parties. It’s fun and empowering to get together with the girls, drink wine, and talk about sex toys – much more discrete than going into a store and much more fun than shopping alone online.

Sex is fun, and orgasms are awesome, but it is not the most important thing in your life. If you let the pursuit of sex completely consume you it will lead to nothing but heartache and bad decisions. Be true to yourself and do not settle for anything less than you deserve. Do not let someone take advantage of your desperation (and in turn do not ever take advantage of another person). Just have fun and be safe, let life happen, and enjoy every encounter. Spending time with friends can be more amazing than devoting all of your time to dating and the pursuit of the almighty nookie. Consider this dry spell as an opportunity to focus your energy on what you really love to do with life. The world is your oyster.

Featured photo by Danielle Boris.