Earlier this week, American actor Thomas Lennon (Reno 911, Night at the Museum), amused by the bathroom television in his Vancouver hotel room tweeted a nude selfie along with the following message:
“Nude selfies with the TV screen built into the hotel mirror make things complicated, like this man who now bears the face of my junk for now.”
The man in question is none other than Quebec Premier Philippe Couillard. The original tweet seems to have been removed (not sure if Couillard had anything to do that), but Lennon had also posted it on Instagram and Clique du Plateau had screen-grabbed it.
So enjoy that you can now say the premier of Quebec is literally a dickhead, at least according to one American actor’s social media.
Ever think, “Wow that person would be SO SEXY if their face wasn’t so god damn U-G-L-Y (you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly)?” There is a new trend sweeping the globe: paper bag facial coverings! The ultimate equalizer! This economic and functional fashion statement only requires a proper fitting brown paper bag (these can be found at many grocery stores). We do NOT recommend plastic bags as a substitution. This is no time for your auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish. For while it is important to suffer for fashion, it is not necessary to die of suffocation in the name of beauty.
Got a pimple? Put a bag on it! Bad hair day? Yep, put a bag on it! This effortlessly lovely look has been hitting the runways in New York, Paris, Miami, Toronto, Montreal, and Milan for years, and is finally ready for the streets! Vogue magazine is planning a full Paper Bag Heads spread for Summer 2015, as well as the Sports Illustrated Paper Bag Swimsuit Edition. It is absolutely stunning on everyone! Much cheaper than getting your hair and makeup done at a high end salon. It looks perfect with an evening gown or tuxedo, just as fabulous with a pair of torn jeans or sweat pants and a hoodie. Try the bag head look for your next date or intimate encounter. Light some candles, put on that Billie Holiday record, pour the champagne, dip some strawberries in chocolate, throw on some lingerie, high heels, and of course your paper bag! BOOM! Romance is in the air.
Single and looking? Want something a little more meaningful? A new trend in speed dating also involves people wearing paper bags on their heads, and going on two minute speed dates. There is so much more to someone than what you see in his or her looks. A connection should be based on personality as well. The reveal is at the end of the session. This trend is big in cities like London and New York. Some participants wrote a comment or personal fact on the bag, others simply drew quirky faces. It is a less shallow version of speed dating started by Loveflutter.com. This unique version of speed dating has been dubbed “the thinking person’s Tinder.”
When you finally shed your paperbag the world will bask in your true beauty. It’s like an ugly duckling syndrome: someone who was absolutely unattractive in their youth, mocked and made fun of, only to blossom into a beautiful adult, who is now strong and sexy, and can handle any criticism due to the douchebaggery of their peers growing up. You have to rely on what’s inside to make a connection while rocking the paper bag look, this is not the trend for those with terrible personalities or extremely annoying voices. Beware if you fall into that category.
This trend has been spotted all over the place for a while, and is finally translating to high fashion couture levels. Sporting fans have worn paper bags on their heads to show they are ashamed of having a losing team – New Orleans Saints fans wore bags that said “the Ain’ts” when their team was less than satisfactory. NY Knicks fans have also been sighted wearing paper bags. There is The Unknown Comedian, who sported the bag head look on The Gong Show. Last year Shia LaBeouf took part in this trend in Berlin to his Nymphomaniac premier by wearing a paper bag with “I am not famous anymore” written on it. Even musical star Ke$ha has been sighted with the paper bag head look. While mostly popular in the 18-24 demographic, this trend has also been sighted on trendy older folks (mostly cougars) trying to maintain their youth and vitality, as well as those pesky tween fashionistas trying to look older (make sure you ask for ID when you take that beautiful bag head home).
Rip my clothes and paper bag off. See what’s inside. I recently used a paper bag head for a burlesque routine to the Radiohead song “Creep” and it was a hit to say the least. I felt an extreme rush of energy as I slowly stripped my clothing off while keeping the bag on my head. At the very end of the song I ripped the bag to shreds, symbolizing my distaste for how beauty is viewed. It was beautiful and the audience loved it. Most of mylife I have been dealing with people saying “Oh you have such a pretty face!” but a FAT nasty body is what they really mean. It was interesting to hide my most popular attribute and rely on the rest of my body to get people going.
CHALLENGE: Show me your inner Paper Bag Princess! I want to see your best brown paper bag head selfies. Get out your markers and go! Write your favorite quote, draw the face that you want to represent you, and decorate your bag to match how you feel about yourself. Be creative! You can create a plethora of facial expressions, beards, dramatic eyebrows, makeup, mouth hole designs, extra embellishments, and more. For an extra fancy status symbol bag, it is recommended to bedazzle your headgear with diamonds or at least some Swarovski crystals. I want to see this trend in action. Get those paper bag selfies up on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and more NOW (what are you waiting for). I triple dog dare you. GO!
Ever send a text message you regret? It has been crafted, a well written expression of love and lust that will be sure to win their heart or at least grant you some quality time with their naughty bits. All typed. Ok here it goes, press send. DELIVERED. No taking it back now. Oh hell, what will he think, why hasn’t he looked at it yet, it’s been two whole seconds! READ Ahhh! It’s the moment I’ve been waiting for. Then I wait and wait some more, no response. Life is over. 🙁
First there were newspaper personals, then on to chat rooms (ASL?). fast forward to Hot or Not, Friendster, Plenty of Fish, and the infamous Myspace. Now Tinder, Grinder, OKCupid, Facecrack, Craigslist, text messaging and social media in general have changed the way people look for sex and romance in this modern (technology obsessed) world.
Imagine having to walk into a bar and actually being forced to strike up a conversation with an attractive human?! Holy shit! You mean I don’t get to know what his quirky hobbies, food allergies, and favorite ironic tv shows are beforehand? Can you really ever “know” someone without seeing their “profile” first? Sketchy.
It’s so easy to browse for a mate with the swipe of a finger and a tracking system that lets you know how close they are to you! Only 20 feet away, now 10, only 6, and fast approaching. He is much shorter than it says, I wonder what else he lied about? Oh well, YOLO. Wow, stalking, I mean dating, has never been so convenient. Do you like scary movies?
There is a glow: illuminated face, eyes glazed and dilated, mouth slightly ajar, a small puddle of drool forms, and a muscular thumb ferociously taps away. Everywhere you look, from the darkened movie theatre to the family dinner table, there are people of all ages with their faces in their beloved phones.
Just think, most of these people are typing the filthiest things, sexting, and trying to get some action. These things are too dirty to even mention here. At any given moment there are probably millions of #selfie boob shots and even double that in dick pics being sent through the digital waves all around us.
What happened to “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?” I actually have a back log of all the unsolicited dick pics sent my way. Some big, some not as big, curved to the left or right, hard as a rock, slightly chubby, cut, uncut, veiny, lots of pubes, or diligently manscaped.
My usual response is to send a big bulging ween right back to them. I recycle the ridiculous cock shots sent by others and claim them as my own flopping member. I hope these bros have learned a lesson. What did you expect me to send a lovey shot of my snatch instead? Not saying my bearded clam isn’t absolutely gorgeous, she’s just modest and looks kind of fat in pics.
It’s not ok to whip your dick out in public, what makes you think its cool to send it to my inbox? People hide behind technology. They feel a sense of confidence and sassiness that is unmatched. When you send a message, you can edit it and say just the right thing. There is no chance of being instantly rejected, slapped, or arrested for indecent exposure like in “real” life.
Call me old fashioned but there is no substitute for falling in love in person. That moment when you meet someone for the first time and just stop breathing. Your heartbeat changes. You lock eyes and melt into a puddle of dreams, hopes, and lust. All you can say is jibberish or nothing at all.
Love transforms us into babbling idiots, and that’s how it is supposed to be! The journey then begins, you get to ask him about the things he does, the places he has been, and explore the things that make him, well, him. It’s beautiful. It takes time.
Sometimes we get shot down, and it hurts, but you have to keep getting up and living life. Love comes around when you aren’t looking for it. You never know, the man reading Nietzsche at the coffee shop, the person baring their soul on stage, or the woman pumping gas next to you might be the one you have been looking for all along.
Life is too short to hide behind technology. Don’t get me wrong, I use and abuse it too, I have sent texts that I am not proud of and gone on dates that are even more unmentionable. I have even written a misconnection or two.
I’m sure there will be those who argue with me on this, that small percentage of folks who have met their soulmate on Christian Mingle and have lived happily ever after. But in general things that are fast are not good. Instead of emerging yourself in the digital sex trade please set down your phone, power down the tablet, close the laptop, brush your hair, put on a clean shirt, and get out there! You look great today btw.
Say hi to the next attractive person you see. (Hint: the hottest ones are generally the most insecure because they are so hot that nobody actually speaks to them). Keep your head up and always remember that you are a unique, totally interesting, confident, and incredible human. You are not afraid to have real face to face interaction and live life to the fullest. Go get ’em, tiger! I believe in you.