To kick off ASK CAT, a new monthly advice column on FTB, Cat McCarthy dared her Facebook friends to ask her anything about Sex, Dating, Politics, Art, Feminism, Activism, LGBTQ issues, Drugs, Culture, etc. We published the first three responses and now the rest.

Now, it’s your turn. ASK CAT anything:

Dear Cat, What should I do if I wake up in between two dudes with cake smeared all over my chest, I’m wearing a 1980s blond wig, I’m thirsty, my feet are bound together, my nose is running and one of them looks like the messiah….while some famous director is filming me in his bloody underwear. Should I wait for an invite to the threesome?

– Melissa Campbell

Hi Melscamp! As you know from personal experience I am not the person to ask about joining into a threesome. While I have had several successful and life changing threeways in my life they don’t always end well for me. It will not work if you feel self conscious, if you feel like they are more interested in each other and not you, or if the girl doesn’t like you but the guy does and you would both rather just be with him. Threesomes must be mutual, all on the same playing field.

she lives richard simmons cat sinclairDid you smear the cake before you fell asleep? Is it tasty? Were you drunk or on drugs? Is this consensual? Are the guys hot? Is that REAL blood? Why is Dirty Jesus called that? Do you want this? Are you in the non-consent yurt? Is there a lambskin condom?

I know you are into some kinky shit, so in my opinion, YES, get into that threesome. Don’t be like me and wait for the invite, nobody is ever going to invite you, if you are already into it that far with them they want you there! Any self made flaws are not noticed in groupsex.

I once hooked with two friends, they answered the door wearing matching boxer briefs. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was a goddess to them. Make sure you are being treated with respect and have a safe word. You are a goddess and I blame you for everything

Dear Cat, Which side of a double sided dildo is preferable?

– Velvet

cat noseHi Al! Well my dad always says “if you go to the right, you can’t go wrong,” so the answer is you must spin the dildo
around counterclockwise in the center of a lesbian boob circle and whichever way it lands pick the side to your right, add lube, and enjoy with a special friend on the left end.

Or I would also say inspect the dildo and pick the side with less cat hair stuck to it. Silicone dildos are big time attractors of cat hair (which is prevalent in most lesbian relationships, the most common owners of double ended dildos).

Got a question for Cat? Ask it:

Look, I’ve had a lot of sex in my life. More than you have. With several women. I know it’s not a contest, but there are a lot of guys out there who feel deep down that they should be doing better in that department.

Now, I don’t normally like to brag about my sexual conquests, but this is for the sake of education so I’ll permit myself to do a little. About the sex I’ve had. And how much of it I’ve had. Which is so much more than you. My dick has seen more wet action than Steven Seagal in Under Siege.

Anyway, the point of all this bragging is that I’ve had a lot of sex. And to have a lot of sex, you have to know where to find available ladies to have sex with. If you’re thinking, “oh, that’s easy, trendy bars and hip nightclubs,” then just shut up for a second and listen. Bars and nightclubs aren’t a good place to pick up women, they’re a good place to pick up VD. Forget them.

And forget the cute girl at work, or in your class, or who collects your garbage on garbage day, or who brings you your tuna salad sandwich at the deli and “totally gives you vibes, man.” She doesn’t. Forget all of them. And forget what it’s like to not be fuckin’ so many times a week that you develop serious posture problems and have to seek chiropractic care at great expense for the rest of your life.

I’ll let you in on a few of the secrets to my success. These are the places you’ll find the women you seek. You’ll be getting so many sexts your messages will read like your spam email folder. You’ll be greasin’ more breasts and thighs than KFC. Your bed will see more smokin’ bodies than Steven Seagal in Fire Down Below.

I’ve been around enough that I’ve got a foolproof list of places you can’t go wrong with. Where the babes are myriad as the stars in the night sky, you just need to have the right telescope, friend. Trust me on this one, I’ve had more rolls in the hay than John Deere. I’ve chased more tails than Sonic the Hedgehog. I’ve had so much sex that I could write an article on where to go to meet ladies to have sex with. Oh, right, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing.

Anyway, like I said, ditch the bar scene, that’s not a prime place to be if you want to get laid more times than an Islamic prayer rug. You’ve got to be more creative than that, you’ve got to think outside the box if you want to get inside the box. When you’re done reading this article you’ll know the tricks you’ll need to get the ladies’ legs to spread easier than Miracle Whip on a hot ham sandwich.

Now, look sharp. Because where you’re going to be going, the ladies want a well dressed man, and if you look the part, soon you’ll be all up in more salad than Newman’s Own. So get ready, because you’re about to be stuffin’ more guts than an Aberdeen butcher on Robbie Burns Day. You’re going to be seeing more holes in bodies than Steven Seagal in Exit Wounds.

Okay, so here it is. Prepare for your crash course. Once you learn what I have to tell you you’ll be waxing more booty than a pirate janitor. You’ll be riding more bareback than Earl Bascom. Drilling more mounds than a Texas oil magnate. Dropping more balls on mattresses than Simmons Beautyrest. Shaking more ovaries than an earthquake at an Oprah taping. Grabbing more handfuls of ass than Steven Seagal between takes on the set of any of his movies.

Okay, I lost my point. Anyway, I hope you learned something from this wisdom that you can use. Except, oh shit, I forgot to tell you literally anything.


Photo by Pliketi Plok via Flickr