So, once a month blood comes out of my vagina. And not just a little bit either. I bleed heavily for, like, seven days. No shit. Some of it’s red, some of it’s brown, and some days I bleed big, almost black blood clots. Grossed out? Well tough. It’s all part of the beautiful magic that is pussy. Get the fuck over it.
The thing is, I get really, super horny when I have my period. And I’m not the only one. I’ve talked to tons of other fabulous ladies who get major clitty boners during red tide too. Apparently it has something to do with our raging hormones. The same ones that make us feel like nothing is right in the world and it’s probably all your fault, you sexy sexy jerk.
However I have to admit that, although I’m a progressive, grown-ass woman, and I try hard to overcome our patriarchal society’s constant attempts to make me ashamed of my body, I’m a wee bit uncomfortable gettin busy when Aunt Flo’s in town. It’s just so… messy. And there’s nothing that makes it harder for a lady to have an earth-shattering orgasm than feeling all self-conscious, ya know?
What to do?
First, let’s talk about some of the REALLY AMAZING benefits of having period sex:
Wait, I lied. First, a cautionary side note:
Having unprotected sex while a woman is menstruating significantly increases the risk of transmitting STDs. So wrap that shit up.
Ok NOW let’s talk about the period sex pros:
Less cramps, more smiles!
That’s right, you heard me. Having an orgasm releases lots of feel good hormones into your blood that help ease cramps and improve your mood. Anyone who’s ever been anywhere near a bitchy, crampy chick on her period will agree that this is pretty fuckin awesome.
It’s extra slippery
Sex is best when the lady boat is as wet as possible. Menstrual blood is a natural lubricant. ‘Nuff said.
It shortens your period
When a lady orgasms it makes the muscles inside her uterus ripple and that pushes the blood out quicker than it would usually come out on it’s own, thereby lessening the amount of time she bleeds. Of course, this adds to the whole messy situation, but I’m getting to that. Hold your horses!
You probably won’t get pregnant
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, and everyone’s been tested for STDs, and you REALLY REALLY trust that no one’s been gettin some on the side, and you’re not on the pill or whatever, then this could be super great for you. There’s very little chance of getting pregnant while you have your period, so your man can (pretty) safely cum inside you. This is a really good thing to point out to men who are squeamish about putting it in while you’re bleeding. Just sayin.
Ok, that’s all fine and good but WHAT ABOUT THE MESS?
A friend of mine once confided to me that her boyfriend was so ok with the period sex thing, that he would stick his fingers in her love cave and then draw all over her body with her blood while fucking her. I found this kind of hot and kind of disturbing. Seriously though, kudos to all you awesome men out there who have embraced the bloody pussy. You’re badass and are probably also well acquainted with the little woman in the boat.
For everyone else, here are a few tricks for mess-free period sex:
Tampons
Ok so I use this trick ALL THE TIME. I’ve never gotten an infection or had pain or not been able to get the tampon out after or anything. Seeing as how all of us lady goddesses are built differently though, and I’ve never actually asked my doctor if this is safe, proceed with caution.
When I know the sex is about to happen, I usually just excuse myself to the loo, pop in a small tampon, stick the string up into my pussy and, voila! No mess and usually my lover can’t even feel it in there. You might want to lube up a bit before penetration to make sure things are all glidy inside, but that’s just generally sound practice all the time anyway.
This is an especially good trick if having your pussy eaten is your favorite thing ever but the pussy eater doesn’t like the taste of blood.
Sea Sponges
These little puppies work just as well as a tampon (for sex or just for regular daily protection). As I said above, just insert, lubricate and have at it. Fun! My favorite ones are from Jade and Pearl and you can order them through the internets.
Sex in the shower
To be honest, this isn’t one of my favorite things. The water washes away all of your natural lubricant and, unless you’re a rich fucker with a bench in your huge marble shower, you have to do it standing up or precariously balanced on the slippery side of your tub, which is awkward and dangerous. I one time was at a B&B with my ex and while we were doing it in the shower he slipped and knocked himself out. We had to call an ambulance and it was horrible and embarrassing and scary. Never again. However, if you’re into that kind of thing or you’re one of the aforementioned rich fuckers, you can go at it and not have to worry about mess.
In conclusion I would like to say that sex is great, periods are a part of life, and we should all try real hard to just get over it and enjoy them together. Go forth fuckers, and menstruate!
