“Don’t break me heart or I’ll break your heart shaped glasses”

Marilyn Manson (probably off of his lamest album to date)

I feel like a little girl on most days, riding around on my trike with ringlets in my hair. A friend of mine gave me a pair of heart shaped pink glasses and my life has changed. I won’t take them off.

They are pink chakra glasses, supposed to evoke love and positive energy. Everything has been better to me since I put them on my face. The universe smiles in my direction.

Pink is the vibrant and lovely color of passion, universal love, everything is more beautiful through a pink lens. Pink smooths it all over, it calms, soothes, and relaxes the mind.

When the pink Chakra is blocked, we experience anxiety, self defeat, lack of strength, and cloudiness. Pink awakens me like a wish at 11:11. I have always been the stereotypical girl attracted to pink.

cat and cow loveI went into the woods and forgot what day it was, I cut myself off from technology and responsibility. There is no need for a cellphone out there. There is no need for a cellphone in here.

I want to throw a party where everyone puts their stupid smart phones in a box and keeps them away the entire night. People will actually speak to each other.

When I went to the Dave Chapelle stand up show the other day they had a strict no cell phone policy and even locked people’s phones in little sealed bags if they brought them into the venue. I thought that was an awesome idea, people will pay attention to the show and not distract others with the glow of their phone, the temptation of false gods, the safe little internest.

Technology literally bit my nipple just now.



“I don’t know whether to say I’m sorry or you’re welcome”
– Juicy Lucy, my roommate and creative soul sister.

The answer is both. Seconds before my vivacious roomie leaned in to give me a hug, I was lying on the couch writing this very blog on my laptop, as she leaned in the laptop closed, (mind you I am not wearing a bra) directly on my nipple, pinching it shut.

So funny, yet so painful, what are the chances of that happening? One of those moments that I want to remember when writing the lesbian stoner comedy that is my life. Every experience is just another scene in the movie.

summer loveI needed that pinch to let me know I was actually awake. I’ve had a strange few days. There is an old man who lives across the street from me, always says hi from his swing as I trike by. Yesterday he called me over, asked me if I wanted a coffee table that he didn’t want to put at the curb, and then told me that his sister died.

He was very sweet, obviously just wanted some conversation and a smile. It was a perfect sunny day, I shared that I recently lost my grandma and I think of her every time it’s sunny.

He then mentioned that his sister’s favorite color was purple and that a beautiful dark purple tulip sprouted, it was beautiful, it was her! The purple chakra means spirituality, connected to the other realm.

The day before my friend called me. She had found a woodpecker in distress. It took its last gasp, stared her in the eyes, and died in her hands.

She told me that I was the first person that she called without thinking. Her fiancé agreed that I was the one they needed to call.

How have I become the person that people need to see when they are sad or in trouble? I think of the person I call when I am in that position and my first responder is always my amazing dad. If I am anything like him that makes me so proud.

happy cat

Even though I am an optimist, I don’t feel that inspiring most days. I’m covered in two day old glitter crust, dandruff, and pizza crumbs, some call me a beautiful creature, but I honestly think I am a little gross.

What I am trying to say is not that I am not capable of being there for someone, but rather why would they ever choose me to begin with? I am irresponsible with my own heart and expectations. I am not even there for myself.

I am trying though, baby steps. It has been six months since I ate meat or talked to a sort of ex love of mine. I made a decision to make my life better by cutting out the things that made me sad. I can’t bear to hurt animals or relish in the despair of unrequited love.

pink glassesI want to see the positive aspects of this incredible world we live in. I want to be there for people, a safe place to go when you are in need.

You can sleep in my hammock or take solace in my hugs. I think that these pink glasses have given me that extra boost of energy to share with everyone I know. I genuinely love everyone and look at things from an unrealistically positive light.

You can’t see flaws through rose tinted glasses. Look to the pleasant parts of life, take it in, breathe in the sunshine and feel good about life in this moment. Get yourself some pink glasses and open your mind.

P.S. Rose tinted glasses are also excellent at hiding those pesky “tired” stoner eyes, paranoia free is the way to be. Fashion for your health.

I was walking with a friend of mine the other day who was in town for Osheaga. She turned to me at one point after a small group of polyester clad teenagers pranced by and said “I hate it when unfashionable people go to music festivals.”

Now, that was a little harsh, she even realized it when I begged her to let me use this anonymous quote as the opening for this article, but I could understand what she meant.  People shouldn’t necessarily choose to look crappy just because they’re going to a music festival. Now, I’m not telling you to show up at Parc Jean Drapeau in an evening gown, but you don’t have to look all drab and boring just because you need to be practical.

I personally didn’t go to Osheaga- but if I’d  gone, I would have worn a pair of denim high waisted Levi’s shorts (these fit like second skin and nothing ever falls out of their pockets… plus, they’re hot) a sensible tank top (for the August in Montreal heat) with a low maintenance Kimono. Not only have Kimonos been making a huge comeback since the Oriental look quietly maneuvered  its way back into style, but they’re also super practical for nights that aren’t quite nippy enough for a full on jacket.

I also would have carried an over the shoulder tote or bag. Make sure it’s over the shoulder, so that you have the option of wearing it across your body for extra security. Also, it’s way easier to fish out your necessities from a messenger bag. Totes are expandable – you should bring one you don’t care about getting ruined in the rain.

For shoes, I recommend Tom’s loafers or boat shoes. Anything slip on and beat up, basically. Flip flops are a bad idea because they can break easily. Sandals, it depends. They’re cute, yes, but the flimsier they are, the more likely they are to give up on you at the most inconvenient time. If you really want to wear sandals, opt for a more secure model- such as the type that have a thicker weaving, or are practically closed toe.

End of the summer tip for ladies: a friend of mine was wearing a pair of adorable sandals similar to what I had just described yesterday. She reported that they were recently purchased from Ardene of all places! It’s not too late, ladies! Go give ‘er  a look!

Hats are always welcome for a summer festival, after all, we must protect our visages from the ozone layer-less rays of Canadian sun, but I feel that the head accessory differs per person. These days, I have been down with turbans. The nice thing about turbans is that you can use the scarf when you’re cold, or as a veil to protect you from the rain. When you’re not using the scarf for your hair, shoulders, or as an umbrella, just double knot it to the strap of your messenger bag. It makes for a cute bag accessory, and won’t take up any room in your tote.

festival goer

Gentlemen, I haven’t forgotten about you. First of all, let’s put my past preachings of patterns to use and go wild with the floral tanktops. If you choose not to wear a tanktop, muscle tee, wifebeater, whatever you choose to call them, wear an extremely thin material T-shirt, but I heavily advise against longer sleeved T’s or even baseball shirts (though you guys look adorable with three quarter length sleeves).

If you’re going to get cold, bring a cardigan or flannel shirt separately, because you might get hot again. And while I understand (and believe me, appreciate) that you can just take your tops off wherever you want when you feel uncomfortable, what are you going to do if your date gets cold? Give him/her your sweaty pit-stained baseball shirt because you weren’t smart enough to bring a button down along? I think a man with a button down is extremely sexy, especially when it’s plaid and he’s offering it to me when I’m cold.

Men, you look adorable with hats on, do what you want to with that accessory. Just no visors, please. You’re never going to get laid if you prance  around this world proudly wearing a visor.

Don’t wear long jeans, ESPECIALLY not skinny jeans.  It’s not the time or place. I encourage you all to wear a pair of demin shorts and roll up the pant legs. Ladies, this goes for you too. A summer festival and long jeans should not mix.

No shoes you would wear to the gym, that’s just stupid. For you, I recommend beat up loafers/any shoe you can easily slip into as well. Also, don’t bring your soccer ball thinking you’re going to play soccer in the middle of the festival, don’t bring your guitar to a music festival, it’s not about you, but please, bring your own bag. Your girlfriend does not want to carry everything around for you all day.

Well mesdames et messieurs, I think that’s all the wisdom I can pass down for this week. We have about a month left of summer, so use this guide for any other festivals you may be going to, or weekend trips to the beach, labour day… whatever the hell you’re going to do to prepare yourself for the cold days that are coming to us.

Peace, love, and forever promoting loafers.

As the sweat poured down my back during my bike ride home and I struggled to breathe in the haze of humid air, I came to one conclusion: summer seems to have finally arrived here in Montreal and all I see around me are babes, babes, babes! This city’s sweltering heat seems to bring out the sexiest in people, or at least the brightest and skimpiest, which is pretty damn sexy to me.

Whether you’re courting a new crush or rekindling the flames with your long-time love, the possibilities for unforgettable summertime dates are seemingly limitless:

Gazing at Gorgeous Glass

summerdate2While moving from the Plateau to NDG last weekend, we spent a lot of time driving up and down (and stuck in traffic on) Sherbrooke street. Coasting past the Musee des Beaux Arts, a giant, glimmering yellow and red glass sculpture resembling oceanic vegetation on acid caught my eye, one of many pieces in town for exhibit of American glass artist Dale Chihuly, aptly titled Utterly Breaktaking.

It is the first major showing of his work in Canada, which has been described as an “immersive, astounding and grandiose visual experience.” I cannot wait to see the exhibit for myself! As an added bonus, the gallery is air-conditioned and you can check out their expansive permanent collection that covers everything from Mexican folk art to brightly colored contemporary canvases by the likes of Picasso and Matisse.

Could Fireworks Lead To… Well, Fireworks?

If you’re looking for a fun, romantic date that will give you the most bang for your buck, take your sweetie down by the Jacques-Cartier bridge to capture the magic of L’International des Feux Loto Quebec aka the fireworks festival at La Ronde. An instant success since its founding in 1985, it now attracts nearly 3 million people annually, making it one of the most attended summer festivals in the city.

The best place to bask in the awe-inspiring bursts of chemical color is La Ronde, so if you can time it with a day to ride the rides, it’s worth the high cost of entry. The view is pretty much equal from the other side of the St. Laurence (just south of Papineau metro), though if you watch from the Old Port, you’ll be treated to the musical selections synchronized with the spectacle. The schedule is a bit different from last year so consult the website before making the trip down. This year’s finale is a tribute to Irish rockers U2.

I Want to Ride it Where I Like

Hands down, the best way to get around Montreal in the summer is by bike. Grab a Bixi or bring your own and travel around to see some of the city’s best attractions and green spaces like the Mountain, the Lachine Canal, Parc Maisonneuve and Iles Notre-Dame and Ste Helene. If you’re feeling extra adventurous, hop on the Route Verte, the most extensive network of biking trails in North America that cover both the city and large areas of the entire province. As added incentive, biking behind your date gives you a shameless opportunity to check out their ass!

So, you don’t have central air to pump through your home or a pool to jump into, but you want to stay cool this summer. When it gets hot, it gets too hot to think and you’ll need to do a lot of thinking. About things like how you screwed your life up so bad that you can’t even afford an air conditioner. Seriously, they’re like a hundred and fifty bucks.

But we’re not here to debate your terrible life choices, I’ll leave those to internally torment you in oppressive solitude, as mine do me. What I can do for you, however, is give you a few tips to help you beat the heat. Because you need them, but mostly because writing them down will give me a few precious moments of reprieve from the nagging self-doubts and painful memories haunting me, which I made mention of earlier in the paragraph.

1. Turn on your oven. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but it really works, and it’s really simple. It won’t reduce the heat drastically, but it will lower it by a few degrees. I don’t fully know how it works, I’m not a sciencetist, but if you turn it on to bake and crank it up as high as it will go, it creates a sort of “heat vacuum” that sucks in heat molecules from the air around it.

Your kitchen will be pretty hot, but other rooms around your home will be marginally more tolerable because of the heat migration. I’m not sure if turning on all the stove elements increases the effect, but you might as well, it can’t hurt. If you don’t have an oven in addition to not having an air conditioner, then you need to stop reading this right now and seriously look at your life.

2. Drugs. Just do lots of drugs. Like, all summer long. Just keep doing them. It won’t actually do anything about the temperature, but you won’t really care about it anymore, or anything else for that matter. Though these crippling issues you seem so obsessed with might overwhelm you if amplified with mind-altering substances.

3. Owls. Owls are creatures of the night, and they bring the night’s chill with them wherever they go. In addition to the potent magic they possess, they are also cold-blooded, and the constant flapping of their wings in an enclosed area creates a cooling breeze.

This requires a little bit more effort than other tips on this list, because of the owls’ befouling of your home with their excrement and pellets, and you have to feed them. Though, if you already have a mouse problem this has the added bonus of solving that as well.

In any given summer I usually have five or six owls in my apartment at all times. Though not usually the same ones the whole time, when you account for all the deaths when they repeatedly try to fly out the closed windows and they tend to kill each other often. And, making a good thing even better, their loud screeching makes for a great distraction from inner turmoil.

4. Get rid of some of your blood! We humans, unlike owls, are warm-blooded animals. So what the heck do you think the effect is when you’ve got all that hot blood rushing around inside you? It makes you warmer!

So get a bit of it out of there. Don’t go nuts, obviously you need blood inside you to live, but you don’t really need all of it.

Be warned, though, that blood letting can be especially dangerous when you are wrestling with intense personal demons. Drain about enough to fill a pint glass and you’ll feel noticeably cooler almost immediately. About two pint glasses full will really take the edge off when you’re going to something like a wedding or a wine mixer where you have to be out in the sun and dress up. Don’t exceed that, though, and don’t drain yourself more than once a week, or you run the risk of passing out and maybe even dying, which would be really embarrassing at a wedding, and, come on, it’s the bride’s day, don’t steal focus.

I hope these tips will bring you some much needed cooling down this summer and for summers to come. And I’ll leave you with one last piece of advice, on the subject of appearing cool, which is perhaps the most important of all. Nothing projects that overall look of cool quite like smoking cigarettes. A lot of cigarettes.


Photo by davedehetre via Flickr