Have you ever been fired from a job? It’s not a pleasant experience, let me tell you. Though it does get easier the more times it happens.

Myself, I’ve been fired from more jobs than I can count. Actually several of them I was fired from because I can’t count.

But one thing I can always count on is that no matter what job I find myself in, I’ll end up fired. It’s inevitable. Like the setting of the sun each day, or the rising of the sun each day, or the sun being right in the middle of the sky each day.

Whether it’s for something small, like stealing company funds, or something bigger, like driving a food truck full of cats into the side of a post office, my story always winds up unemployed in my underpants watching Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards repeatedly until my coffee table collapses under the weight of empty liquor bottles and my girlfriend leaves me because I’ve been watching Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards all day instead of taking her out for a birthday dinner. But how am I supposed to afford dinner for two? I don’t have a job. And I have to buy a new coffee table.

So how does one deal with the devastating and life-changing reverberations following a nasty job termination, you ask? Well, as someone who’s heard the words “you’re fired” more times than a lonely Trump-fetishist, I’ve long ago worked out a system for coping with it that I’ll now share with you.

It’s a three step system, three being the most mystical and powerful number in the dark arts practiced by the religious sect of which I’m an active member, and the horrific rituals of which have resulted in the loss of six jobs. But my four non-concurrent awards ribbons for Best Melded Anima in Show from the annual Soul Harvest Festival should make it pretty clear that it was worth it.

First off, it’s natural to be upset, so don’t fight it. Anger, sadness, despair and rage-arousal are all normal reactions to being let go. The important thing is that you channel these feelings in a productive manner. Starting a fire at your former workplace or defecating in or on your former boss’s property are not recommended as productive methods of coping with the situation.

Seducing and mating with the boss’s spouse or significant other is not discouraged, though the preferred way to work through these complicated emotions is to make the appropriate sacrifices and prayers that will result in his or her immortal soul being viciously tortured and devoured for eternity by the Putrescent Almighty, or the equivalent god/demigod in whichever religion you ascribe to (Jesus, Vishnu, Argus, Zarathustra, Phlim, Harkok the Wasteful, etc).

The second stage is acceptance. When you have worked through your emotional reaction to the job loss and allowed the truth of it to sink in without any further fighting against it. This is the most satisfying period of the entire process, so allow yourself to wallow in it for a little while. Let the tranquility wash over you in waves, let yourself let go.

Make sure that you give thanks to the hovering spectres of serenity for blessing you with this respite, lest they become spiteful and wreak nightmarish deformities and constipation unto your loved ones. Smear your naked, corporeal being with blood of lizard after drinking and regurgitating it. Never buy pre-regurgitated lizard blood, for it is a grave affront. If you cannot find lizards, or the pet stores start catching on to you, squirrel blood will suffice in a pinch, but you have to use twice as much.

The final stage is the progression stage, in which you move on to a new job, beginning the cycle anew. If the first two stages are completed satisfactorily you should be ready to get back out there.

It goes without saying that you must hurl guttural prayer into the Infinite Void of the Ravenous Leveler’s gaping maw as thanks for the strength to conquer this trial, but don’t be afraid to take some of the credit yourself. You did great, give yourself a pat on the back. Use the regular avenues to find a new job, local newspapers, Kijiji, reading the whispers of the Eternals in splinters of horse bones you’ve shattered with your Mallet of Turbulence.

Follow these steps, and before you know it you’ll be back out in the workforce, a productive and functioning member of society. And, when you do, could you put in a good word for me? I’ll send you my résumé. I’ve got a great reference from Gary, the highest ranking mage in our underground temple.


Photo by patman86 via Flickr

* This post originally appeared on QuietMike.org, republished with permission from the author

It’s amazing how Canadians elect politicians who refuse to analyze the country’s problems, but that’s what we did when we handed Stephen Harper and his Tories a majority government. The Conservatives try and pride themselves as being the party of action (just look at those tiresome action plan ads), but the Conservative Party of Canada could better be described as the party of reaction.

Every so called action they’ve taken in the past two years has been a quick, but simple reaction to an otherwise complicated problem. Not once have they stopped to analyze the situation in order to address the core of an issue.

Last week, following the arrests of two terrorist suspects, newly elected Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau said “There is no question that this happened because there is someone who feels completely excluded, completely at war with innocents, at war with a society. Our approach has to be, where do those tensions come from?”


Trudeau’s comments were perfectly reasonable. We shouldn’t be satisfied by humbly thwarting a terrorist attack, we need to get to the crux of why they want to attack us in the first place. The best way to fight terrorism is through understanding their motives. If we merely cut off the head of the hydra, more heads will keep taking its place.

Prime Minister Harper and the Conservatives weren’t having any of this. Harper said “This is not a time to commit sociology, if I can use an expression.” That statement was dumbed down even further a few days later when Conservative MP Pierre Poilievre said that “the root causes of terrorism is terrorists.” Poilievre even repeated the declaration to make it abundantly clear that this is what the party believes.

At the time, I remember thinking to myself that it was as if George Bush’s brain had somehow been embedded into Poilievre’s skull. I realized soon after that this kind of nonsense was nothing new, their conservative views were just never explained so bluntly before.

No one has ever accused the Conservatives of being the party of intellectuals, but taking a look at their policy decisions over the last few years, one has to wonder if they think at all. They rule in the present without consideration for our future; you would think they don’t plan on staying in power for long.

They believe the root cause of crime is criminals. Instead of investing in crime’s source, such as poverty and drug addiction, the Tories decided to dish out harsher sentences to criminals and drug offenders. It won’t be long until we need more prisons.

They believe the root cause of global warming is the globe. The earth is warming itself so why try and fight it.

Instead of investing in green energy and technology, Harper gutted Canada’s environmental assessment laws, expanded oil sands development and now plans are in the works to have an equal sized mining project near Thunder Bay. The media has already taken to calling it “Tar Sands 2.0”

They believe the root cause of unemployment is unemployment. With the jobless rate still hovering around 7.5%, the Conservative government decided to revamp the unemployment system. Under the new rules, even seasonal workers will have to prove they are actively looking for work. Forcing seasonal laborers to take menial jobs a few months in the summer or winter will take jobs away from students trying to pay for school.

Harper and his pet Pierre

I’m sure there are other tautologies I could find to illustrate my point, but you get the idea. Quick fixes and short sighted thinking is no way to run a government.

It’s why they try and silence everyone from scientists to members of their own party. God forbid the word should get out about how thoughtless and unproductive their policies really are. I always thought Conservatives wanted a smaller government not a more foolish one.

Future generations are going to have to live with this government’s decisions, making statements a five year old child can make and holding to them doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.

The root cause of the Conservative Party of Canada has clearly become stupidity.