Foxy Calls Tech Support

Whenever I call tech support I get a recording before I speaking to a “human”. The recording goes something like this:

For service in English- press 1, pour le service en français appuyez sur le trois … and then Esperanto or Aramaic version.

I expect this and I choose the speaker whose help I think I will best understand. But   never, not once, ever have I chosen Techie. For those not familiar with the language, Techie is the language the Technical Support people speak instead of plain English, French, Mandarin or Pig Latin to raise your frustration level to 11. I don’t know which button I have to push not get the Techie operator, but if they have already spent all this money on an automated system perhaps they can add the “Boot-interface-ftp-upload-this” button for people who speak this language and speak “regular” to the rest of us. Let’s put on our logic caps, people, if I understood what the hell you were talking about would I be calling you?

Putting this into perspective, let’s say you’re cooking some classy recipe that you downloaded from youwillneveraccomplishthis.com. If you’re meant to julienne the vegetables, because the author understands that not everyone is a Jean–Georges Vongerectum (see, already a different language) or even a Jamie Oliver, they tell you to julienne the vegetables by slicing them lengthwise in very thin strips. As such, everyone who speaks English above a first-grade level understands what is meant to be done. Julienning is neither difficult to do nor difficult to explain.

Now let’s say I say, “My internet isn’t working”, this means that I don’t have the vocabulary to say that the kerplixic disconnected the wopditurd thus creating a qultyrug and I can’t figure out how to undo it. So first they start with the baby talk,  Did you wemember to turn your computer-wooter on? Yes, I did, and then I pooped my pants because the damned thing still isn’t working and I now want you to clean both up! Once they realize that they aren’t talking to mentally challenged seaslug (because pooping myself proved that point), they lay into you with the “tech speak”;  So what we need to do is re-boot the xyz. Sounds great but we’re not doing it, I am, and you’re already pissing me off. So tell me, in plain language, what I have to do- turn the computer off and then back on again?-done,  Okay, so now what’s the dry loop number? The what?  The non-origin source? The WHAT?!  The phone number we gave you? Oh, that…

Tech Support, let’s make a deal from now on you don’t speak Techie to me and I won’t speak Klingon to you.

P.S. Internet ghobe’ vum! (Internet not work!)

So I’m Tania Fox:  I use the power of laughter to heal lepers and people who wear Ed Hardy. And I fiddle while Rome burns because being an adult requires far too much responsibility to miss any opportunity for a hoedown.